(02) Relationships & Marriage Counseling
I’ve Cheated On My Partner, How do I Rebuild the Trust? (Save your relationship from infidelity)
I got the following question from someone who visited my site and asked me a question which folks can do in “Ask Dr. Marty” section on my home page.
The question about infidelity:
Dear Dr. Marty:
Me & my fiancé are having problems! I cheated on her in the summer of 2011. I propose to her in December! But she’s still bringing up the issue of me cheating! How can we survive?
Dr. Marty’s answer:
Here is what I tell folks in couples therapy when dealing with the issue of infidelity:
First, I would start with asking your fiancé what would make her feel reassured going forward?
Second, I would make an effort to be as open as possible about where you are when you’re not with her, your texts and your phone.
Your fiancé wants to make sure her heart isn’t broken and that she’s not being made a fool of.
If nothing you do seems to help, it may be time for couples therapy.
It is time for counseling if nothing you do seems to help, because there may be something going on that the two of you are not able to put your finger on, aside from the issue of infidelity.
You can find out more on Marriage Counseling and How to Save Your Relationship in this blog series:
For you my blog audience
What would your advice be? You can answer here or send it to me privately. The first three people who send me an answer today or tomorrow will get to pick one of my downloadable books for free.
Marriage at First Sight - “A Social Experiment” Part IV (How you can be guaranteed to Find the Perfect Mate).
Tips from a Marriage Counselor in NJ
In this next blog and last in this series I will talk about two more important things that go into “making” the perfect partner.
As a marriage counselor, I can help you learn about the importance of self care in your relationship.
During marriage counseling I remind folks that we need to take care of ourselves as well.
Martyrs seldom make good partners. If you are always about giving and sacrifice eventually you will feel resentful. If you find yourself saying to your partner “after all I’ve done for you and sacrificed” you know that you’re in trouble. There should always be a give-and-take in every strong relationship, however keeping score is disastrous. The idea here is we give because we want to not because we are trying to build emotional equity in which her partner “owes us”.
Relationships are Team Efforts – Marriage Counseling can Help Make a Better Team
We must believe with all of our heart and soul that our partner and ourselves are a team. I know that in my own case, I provide a lot of things in my relationship with my partner: I offer the primary income and a certain amount of emotional strength; however my partner makes sure that both of our lives are balanced, and she creates a beautiful home for me and provides a lot of the emotional energy and a joy for life that I would never have on my own.
Working with a Marriage Counselor, you can discover ways to help create the perfect relationship
To sum up, the perfect relationship has four parts to it:
- Letting our partner know that we care about and love them.
- Spending time and talking with a partner – no matter what.
- Taking care of ourselves. “enlightened selfishness”
- Appreciating that relationships are a team effort and each person contributes something special to the relationship.
The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
I’ll give a free 20 minute Marriage Counseling consultation to the first three people to comment on this blog
Great relationships are made, not found.
Marriage at First Sight-
A Marriage Counselor tells you:
How to have the perfect Marriage -
“A Social Experiment” Part III (How you can be guaranteed to Find the Perfect Mate)
I discovered that I have a lot to say on this issue so I’ve decided to divide this into two more blogs.
I have promised you in the previous two blogs that I would tell you how to find the perfect mate. On writing this section
Here’s my answer:
Perfect mates are not found by psychological profiles or research, they are created.
The secret is that: we need to spend as much time, thought, and effort on working on our relationship as we do on first creating it.
Here is the basic outline for what we have to put our energy into (i.e. time, thought, and effort )
Marriage Counseling Tip #1
1. During my marriage counseling sessions I suggest to couples that on a regular basis we have to show and tell her partner how much we care about them.
Too often we believe that once we said I do and I love you never has to be repeated.
At least one if not both of the people in the relationship need constant reinforcement and reassurance that the other person still has those loving feelings.
Marriage Counseling Tip #2
2. No matter what, we have to find time to go talk with our partners, and do things with them.
As we live our lives we get incredibly busy. There is always a good reason that we don’t have enough time to be with a partner. Nothing takes the place of ongoing communication with the person we are sharing our life with. When we spend time with the person we are reminded of why we like them so much and we continue to maintain a special friendship with that person.
In my next blog, I will share the remaining two things that I tell couples in marriage counseling
Write your thoughts about this blog and I will send you a free copy
Love is what what we say and do even more than what we feel.
Reduced Fee For Marriage
From $195 -> $145 for Friday, August 8th
Dr. Marty he has 2 times available -
instead of his regular fee of $195 the fee will be $145.
You can have either an in person or a phone session.
Marriage Counseling sessions are available on a first come first serve basis.
Dr. Marty has a doctorate in clinical psychology, he is a licensed marriage counselor .
He is the author of 5 books on marriage counseling
Dr. Marty believes that whenever possible the goal of marriage counseling is to help couples stay together.
Marriage Counseling should give folks specific techniques to help them through difficult times and teach skills to help couples feel closer to each other.
Married at First Sight. – “A Social Experiment” Part II (Why will this show be so popular?) | marriage counseling
Reduced Fee For Counseling
From $195 -> $145 for Friday, July 18th
If you are a first time client & would like to have an initial session with
Dr. Marty he has 2 times available -
instead of his regular fee of $195 the fee will be $145.
You can have either an in person or a phone session.
The sessions are available on a first come first serve basis
Married at First Sight. – “A Social Experiment” Part II (Why will this show be so popular?)
by Dr. Marty Tashman (Marriage Counselor)
A marriage counselor’s prediction, and some reasons why:
I predict that there will not only be a lot of folks watching the program, but a long list of willing participants for “Married at First Sight”.
There are two reasons for the enthusiasm for the idea that we have the formula for finding the perfect mate:
1. The concept of the program combines our romantic fantasy of looking for a “soul mate” with “scientific research” and then gives us an answer that will guarantee us happiness for the rest of our married life.
2. The program satisfies our wish that there is a way to find the perfect mate without any effort. Finding and dating can be such a pain, it is a wonderful thought to know there is a method to finding marital bliss without having to work at it.
Challenges to The Concept of Married At First Sight
1. The typical first stage of a romantic relationship is like having an addiction. We obsess about our new relationship and we are “driven” to be with them.
2. We feel uneasy when we are not with our partner.
3. We constantly need reinforcement (like an addict needs their fix).
The hype, the exposure for the couple, the implications on their future life, in addition to the normal “addictive” response, is going to create an artificial euphoria, a high that will color the participants responses.
Personally, I love the idea that by a screening process, we could find the “perfect marriage partner” – even though I’d be doing a lot less marriage counseling!
So, is there a secret to finding the perfect mate, for a perfect marriage?
As a marriage counselor of many years, I know how to find the perfect mate and in my next and third blog on the subject, I will tell you “Dr. Marty’s secret” to finding the perfect mate.
What do you think? Is the idea of having a soul mate and a perfect marriage real, or a Hollywood creation?
In about 2 paragraphs, tell me your thoughts, and if you are one the first three people to answer I’ll give you a free 20 minute consultation.
Married at First Sight. – “A Social Experiment”
by Dr. Marty Tashman (Marriage Counselor) (Three part series)*
A marriage counselor wonders -
“Has marriage come to this? A reality show?”
The other day, I was channel surfing and I came to the FYI Channel and saw “Married at First Sight”. I was fascinated by the program for about 20 minutes and then moved on. Married at First Sight is a new reality show that has been getting a lot of buzz. There are articles in the Boston Globe, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, and numerous videos on You Tube. Imagine the wonder, the excitement of meeting your life partner for the first time right before your wedding. Well six people will have the thrill of that experience on national T.V. on Married at First Sight.
Is marriage really just the right mix of profiling and psychology?
The premise is described by the New York post (July 8th, 2014) as “Total Strangers Marry at First Sight” the post goes on to describe the process:
“Potential cast members filled out lengthy personality profiles, and the four experts went on field visits to conduct psychological assessments, sexology sessions and spiritual counseling to narrow 625 possible matches down to three ideal couples.
The spouses know nothing about each other — even their names — until they walk down the aisle in the premiere. The next nine episodes follow the newlyweds as they live together for four weeks — after which they have to decide whether to remain married or get a divorce.”
A pastor’s view, from a Marriage Counseling perspective
The show has gotten some strong criticism from a number of sources for example Sam Rohrer the President of the American Pastors Network says:
“A major role of pastors today is spending serious time counseling couples who want to enter into the sacred union of marriage,” Rohrer said. “Marriage is not a game show, a contest or something to entertain the masses. Rather, it is a divine relationship defined by God in the Garden of Eden and confirmed throughout Scripture. This show puts two people in a precarious position that will potentially scar them for future healthy relationships and, worse yet, endorses the destructive view that divorce is a logical escape route when marital challenges arise.”
A number of other experts have also given scathing comments focusing on how the show makes a mockery of marriage.
In part II of this series I will talk about why I think this show was and will be so popular.
In part III. I will unveil “Dr. Marty’s secret, he has discovered in his many years as a marriage counselor.
for how Married at First Sight” can give all three couples successful marriages.
What do you think? The first 10 people who respond will get a free copy of my download book: “Negotiation for Couples: From Conflict to Cooperation”
So the question is: after all of this, will couples really feel connected, or will they find themselves in a marriage counselor’s office?
Emotional Infidelity: A simple straight forward discussion, by a marriage counselor who has worked with 100’s of these situations.
Emotional Affair : A simple straight forward discussion, by a marriage counselor who has worked with 100’s of these situations.
A question that comes up sometimes during marriage counseling: Can’t men and woman be friends?
Answer: Absolutely. Partners should not try and control each other in terms of who they are friendly with, but if you see the danger signs below, the friendship is at risk for an Emotional Affair
What is an Emotional Affair?
Definition - an Emotional affair is when: You are better “friends” with someone of the opposite sex than you are with your partner. Sometimes this issue comes up with an “Office Wife” or “Office Husband” An Office W/H is someone of the opposite gender you team up with because they understand and support your work efforts.
Guidelines you can use to decide if a friendship is actually an Emotional Affair
Below are 5 simple guidelines that can help determine if someone is an Office W/H. as compared to a coworker. I don’t like the term, but I know it’s used. Only one person should have the title Husband or Wife or else it can lead to a new term “X” wife or “X” husband.
Danger signs of an emotional affair
1. You spend more time talking with your friend than your partner.
2. When your “friend” knows you better than your partner.
3. When you keep secrets from your partner about your contact with your friend.
4. You tell private things about your relationship to your friend.
5. You complain about your relationship to your “friend” for “advice”.
If the issue is minor
Get together with your partner and your friend and their partner. This is not a guarantee, but it can make things easier.
If the issue is becoming a problem
Share the conversation you have with your “friend” with your partner. Don’t keep secrets.
If the issue is severe
Whether or not there is anything going on, your partner will be uncomfortable with the relationship and act is if there is an emotional affair. Run, don’t walk, into couples therapy / marriage counseling to discover what is missing in your relationship. If you don’t go for counseling there will be resentment and anger between you and your partner. The exchange runs the risk of intense anger as the driving force and the communication between the couple is angry and aggressive. I’m not saying that those responses aren’t understandable, but those feelings, if not dealt with, can destroy the relationship.
Dr. Marty (who is a licensed Marriage Counselor) is the author of:
* Buy any one of the downloadable books (indicated by*) for $10 if you mention this article in the month of July 2014
A Marriage Counselor tells you: How to Win Every Argument.
Taken from Dr. Marty’s 2 books: Divorce Rescue Manual & Negotiation for Couples: from conflict to cooperation.
We have to be careful that we don’t win an argument at the expense of hurting the relationship.
When I work with a couple in relationship counseling:
I’ve found that arguments are never about the issue, they are about being acknowledged as being valued. If you don’t believe me think about an argument you have had. How clearly do you remember the feeling and how clearly do you remember the issue?
A key idea in relationship counseling:
Ask yourself: does there have to be a winner or a loser? When I work with a couple in counseling I help them understand that different points of view are possible – it’s not about being right or winning, it’s about feeling good about each other and coming to an understanding where people respect each other’s feelings, thoughts and ideas. I ask the couple to remember to ask themselves: is the issue more important than the relationship?
As a marriage counselor, here are some suggestions:
Here are some things during marriage counseling I suggest that couples say when in an “argument” (be careful not to patronize the other person)
That’s one way of seeing it
You could be right, but I see it differently
Let’s see if we can figure something out that works for both of us.
My number one success tip, as a Marriage Counselor, for How To Win Every Argument:
What folks who succeed in relationship counseling learn is: winning an argument is when at the end of the disagreement both of you feel good about each other and have come up with something that shows concern for each other person’s feelings.
Marriage Counseling tip:
The universe (Gd) gave us two ears, two eyes and one mouth. Maybe there’s a message there!
Go to www.YourMarriageCounselor.com to “Ask Dr. Marty” – Marriage Counselor in NJ – about any question you have about your relationship.
My Husband / Wife is Filing For Divorce Is It Too Late For Counseling? (Part II) 4 Things you should do! | Marriage counseling
Question for a Marriage Counselor
My Husband / Wife is Filing For Divorce, Is It Too Late For Marriage Counseling? (Part II) - 4 things you should do
The Right Way to Deal With This
1. Don’t panic, take some time and calm yourself down. Find friends who can support you (not family because if you get back together there may be some fallout). These friends should be people who make you feel good about yourself and who don’t try and tell you what to think.
2. Think about what your partner’s complaints are and don’t try and convince them they are wrong. Do some soul searching and see why your partner would see things the way they do.
3. Acknowledge what you can honestly see is a valid point on their part.
4. It takes time for a divorce to actually happen and chances are there will be some interaction, be reasonable (not a doormat).
Why it is especially important to work with a Marriage Counselor
This is a time where both people are feeling tremendous pressure and the inclination to do something destructive either because of anger or desperation is very high.
Marriage counseling can be extremely helpful during these times.
Whether you work on your marriage or on “uncoupling,” this is a critical time because there are two possibilities: The partner who wants to leave has decided this because they don’t know what else to do, or they have gone past the point of “no return” and they are committed to a divorce.
How can a couples counselor help?
If the first possibility is the case and the partner who wants to leave has decided this because they don’t know what else to do a couples counselor can help with offering new understandings and strategies.
If the second possibility is the case and the partner who wants to leave has gone past the point of “no return” and they are committed to a divorce, then finding a way to communicate more effectively might demonstrate to the “leaving partner” that they really have changed or at the very least that there will be fewer disagreements and less aggravation and less expense in terms of attorneys.
Lastly, if there are children, having a Marriage Counselor to help with the children’s response will be extremely helpful.
A Couples Counselor should help you work on yourself, not convince your partner that they are wrong.
About Marriage Counseling
My Husband / Wife is Filing For
Divorce Is It Too Late For
In the last three days I’ve gotten exactly the same question from three different people contacting me:
My husband / wife is filing for divorce. Is it too late for marriage counseling?
Here is what I said to them:
This is when help is most important.
In marriage counseling we would start with what’s going on with the spouse. Sometimes spouses file for divorce not because they want to be divorced, but because they have run out of options. They feel like they have “tried everything.” If this is the situation, getting professional help is very important because folks don’t know how to get out of their own way. They push, beg and even threaten, but what they don’t do is approach the partner in “the right way.”
The Right Way
In my next blog I will go into depth, as I would during a marriage counseling session, and discuss the four things to do and not to do that will give the abandoned partner the best chance to work at getting reconnected with their spouse. The short version is:
Don’t try and convince your partner they are wrong
Acknowledge your partner’s point of view
How to act while the divorce process is going on
Remember it isn’t about getting your partner to stay, it is about making the changes necessary to have a new relationship.
As a Marriage Counselor I share with folks that effective Marriage Counseling will not try and convince your partner to stay, they will show you and them how to behave differently so they will want to stay.
Two Important things to know about Marriage Counseling
Prescription for a good Marriage Therapist
* A Marriage Counselor gives folks the tools to build a good relationship
* A Marriage Counselor doesn’t focus on who is right or wrong, but will help with figuring out what is the most effective way to regain a warm loving connection.