Your Marriage Counselor

34 Years of Experience Helping Couples Get Together

(02) Relationships & Marriage Counseling

How to Make Ourselves Happy

Couples / Marriage counseling

How to Make Ourselves Happy

If I were to say to you that  you that we all talk to ourselves what would you say? To take that a step, further actually we tell ourselves stories.  Based on, the scripts in our stories is how we make ourselves feel.

In the next two blogs I’ll be talking about the scripts that we use to make ourselves happy and unhappy. I’ll begin the first blog in the series with talking about how we make ourselves feel unhappy. I I am giving examples so that folks can become more aware of the things that they say to themselves and be on the lookout for those destructive sentences in their heads.

Stories that you tell yourself that will make you unhappy

  1. If your story makes you the victim of a situation then you are certain to make yourself feel tremendously unhappy.

2. If your story makes you believe that you were entitled something just because it’s you that is also a way to make yourself feel sad frustrated and even angry.

3. If your story tends to catastrophe things or to be extremely dramatic that’s also a sure way to upset yourself in that story will also cause you to be as upset as well.

In the next installment of this two part series I’ll give you the 4 story themes that will help you be not only happy but help you to get through the rough spots when they happen.

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 YourMarriageCounselor.com has couples and marriage counselors in the following  areas in New Jersey of: Chester, Florham Park, Highland Park, Hillsboro, Pennington, Somerset, New Brunswick,   Upper Montclair,  Paramus, Voorhees & Chevy Chase, MD. 

How to Have a Good Fight

Marriage & Couples Counseling

How to Have a Good Fight ((Part 5 of a  5 part series)

How intensity can make all the difference in having a  “good argument”

The last element of that I’ll mention in this series on what has to happen to have a “good fight” is try and not let the intensity get out of hand.  Too often the issue that started the fight takes a back seat to the negative intensity of fighting.

When couples come to my office for relationship / marriage counseling it is not unusual for either or both people to not remember either the details of the argument or even the entire argument, but they remember the feelings of frustration, hurt or anger they had.

When people argue often times the subject matter gets lost and it’s more of a matter of wanting to right or not admitting that they are wrong.

It’s not only how make love that determines the strength of a relationship, it’s how you don’t go to war. 

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Learn more about not only having good fights, but how to negotiate well with your partner, so that there is a “win-win”, please take a look at my manual Negotiation Handbook for Couples: from conflict the cooperation: http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/negotiation-handbook-for-couples/

YourMarriageCounselor.com - has couples and marriage counselors in the following  areas in New Jersey of: Chester, Florham Park, Highland Park, Hillsboro, Pennington, Somerset, New Brunswick,   Upper Montclair,  Paramus, Voorhees & Chevy Chase, MD. 

 

How to Have a Good Fight ((Part 4 of a 5 part series)

Couples Counseling/ Relationship Counseling

 This is a continuation of a series that was posted on July 31, 2013

 How to Have a Good Fight ((Part 4 of a  5 part series)

If you are on the other side of feeling steamrolled over, stop the exchange.  It is important to set reasonable limits to the discussion; here’s an idea of what you can say:

This is getting too nasty let’s both

cool down and then we can see if

there’s some way we can work this out.”

The idea here is to withdraw with reassurance. By this I mean to stop the verbal exchange / fight before it gets out of control,  but before leaving reassure the other person you are not running away from the discussion or abandoning them and that you are perfectly willing to continue the discussion but at time when you are both calmer and can really think and talk about the issue and eventually come up with an answer that is sensitive to both people’s needs.

 

Another indication that you have had a good fight is that when the smoke clears that neither of person as grudge as a result of what’s been said.  The goal here is to have the fight be over when it’s over and not have left over bad feelings that will come out next time there is another fight.

To learn more about this subject you can buy my book “Negotiation for Couples” by going to: http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/negotiation-handbook-for-couples/

Negotiation

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YourMarriageCounselor.com - has couples and marriage counselors in the following  areas in New Jersey of: Chester, Florham Park, Somerset, New Brunswick,   Upper Montclair,  Paramus, Voorhees & Chevy Chase, MD. 

 

 

 

How to Make Ourselves Happy

How to Make Ourselves Happy

How to Make Ourselves Happy

If I were to say to you that  you that we all talk to ourselves what would you say? To take that a step, further actually we tell ourselves stories. Based on, the scripts in our stories is how we make ourselves feel.

 

Below below I will give you two lists of things you can tell yourself, using one list you can make yourself unhappy using the other list you can make yourself happy.

sad

How to tell yourself stories that will make you unhappy:

 

1. If your story makes you the victim of a situation that story is certain to make you feel tremendously unhappy.

2. If your story makes you believe that you were entitled something just because it’s you that is also a way to make yourself feel sad frustrated and even angry.

3. If your story tends to catastrophe things or to be extremely dramatic that’s also a sure way to upset yourself  that story will also cause you to be as upset.

 

Happy

How to tell yourself stories that will make you happy.

1. One way to make ourselves happy is to find a purpose when things happen.

2. Another way to make ourselves happy is to be able to learn from our mistakes.

3. We make ourselves happy when we appreciate what we have in our stories.

4. Another way to make ourselves happy is to approach issues with the sense of curiosity.

5. One last way to make ourselves happy that I will mention in this blog is to be able to calm ourselves down even when you’re facing difficult times, calm people tend to be happier .

YourMarriageCounselor.com - has couples and marriage counselors in the following  areas in New Jersey of: Chester, FlorhamPark, Somerset, New Brunswick,   Upper Montclair,  Paramus, Voorhees & Chevy Chase, MD.  -

A Marriage Counselor’s Treatment of Andrew Weiner

Relationship & Marriage Counseling

A Marriage Counselor’s Treatment of Andrew Weiner (Part III)

Three Practical Steps to Healing From the “Sexting”/ Infidelity.

The third area that the counseling, for the Weiner’s, would focus on would be the strength of the connection between the couple.  The blog will discuss three steps: step one, dealing with the addiction to the pornography;

step two, developing and maintaining a positive connection with each other; and the last step, maintenance  of a strong relationship on a day to day basis.

 

Step one

The place to begin with the “re-coupling” would be for the unfaithful partner (Mr. Weiner) to take a close look at himself and the relationship.  Mr. W has to sort out how much of his behavior is due to the addiction and how much is due some problem he has with the relationship.  It’s not that his problems with the relationship justify his addictive sexual behavior, it’s that there also may be issues between he and his wife that have to be identified so that counseling can address whatever those problems are as well as treatment of the addiction.

 

Step Two

In addition to dealing with the addiction, whatever problems exist the Weiner’s have to make sure that they are working on their positive connection with each other. To work on their emotional connection, they need to spend time together and have dates with each other. Because they are a high profile couple, time together may well be a problem for them. In fact, all couples have lots of demands and it’s easy to not have any time left for each other.  Couples will never have the time, they have to decide to make the time to be together, as they would make the time for other priorities in their lives.

 

Step Three

The Wiener’s need to be able to have on-going contact every day, so they can be part of each other’s lives.  The couple has to spend some time talking to each other to catch up on the day to day things that are happening to them

There are so many demands on all of us couples have to deliberately plan to relax in a healthy way together and to laugh and to enjoy life with each other if  they want to be truly connected to each other.

 

YourMarriageCounselor.com - has couples and marriage counselors in the following  areas in New Jersey of: ChesterFlorhamParkSomersetNew Brunswick,   Upper Montclair,  Paramus, Voorhees Chevy Chase, MD.  -

For more details you can read my two manuals about how to “Heal from the Trauma of Infidelity” (for the betrayed partner and for the unfaithful partner)

 

A Marriage Counselor’s Treatment of Andrew Weiner (part II) Three Practical Steps to Healing From the “Sexting” / Infidelity.

A Marriage Counselor’s Treatment of Andrew Weiner  (part II)

 Three Practical Steps to Healing From the “Sexting” / Infidelity.

The place to begin as we were dealing with Anthony Weiner’s  wife’s  (Huma Abedin), feelings is  Mr. Weiner’s being able to show his regret by being transparent. Being truly regretful means the person has to go beyond words and behave in a way that  demonstrates regret.  By transparency,  I mean Huma (Andrew Weiner’s wife) would know where he was and would have access to all of his electronic devices. I’m not saying she would have to police him, but that she could check on his behavior whenever she was concerned or felt insecure.

After something like this has happened it is important to realize that trust must be earned over a period of time.

It’s easy to make promises when the behavior comes to light; it’s hanging in there over the long term that gets couples to rebuild their relationship.

The next issue that would have to be addressed would be, what I believe is Mr. Weiner’s addiction to “Sexting”.  My definition of being addicted is not being able to stop ourselves engaging in a behavior that will clearly have very negative repercussions. Not only did Mr. Weiner engage in “Sexting” but he continued to do so even thought it really hurt his relationship with his wife as well as  his political career (as he was forced to resign his seat from the House of Representatives) and in addition the “sexting” put his future career in sever jeopardy.   For Huma to want to continue their marriage, she must feel assured that the addictive behavior will not continue.

Once the addiction is being related to, Huma will be in a better frame of mind to seriously look at the third important element to healing, which is to develop a strong sense of connection with each other which will be discussed in the next blog.

YourMarriageCounselor.com - has couples and marriage counselors in the following  areas in New Jersey of: ChesterFlorhamParkSomersetNew Brunswick,   Upper Montclair,  Paramus, Voorhees Chevy Chase, MD.  -

For more details you can read my two manuals about how to “Heal from the Trauma of Infidelity” (for the betrayed partner and for the unfaithful partner)

 

A Marriage Counselor’s Treatment of Andrew Weiner

Relationship & Marriage Counseling

(Please note that because of timeliness of this issue I am interrupting my series on “Having a Good Fight” and will resume that after the blogs that were written for this series)

A Marriage Counselor’s Treatment of Andrew Weiner (candidate for Mayor of New York City) and his marriage?

By now you may of heard that Andrew Weiner, candidate for Mayor of New York City has been caught repeatedly “Sexting” a number of young woman.  I thought folks might be interested in a Marriage Counselor’s point of view in regard to treatment for the issue of “Sexting” which could also apply to pornography as well as infidelity issues.

 

Let’s start off with the fact that “Sexting” is one of technology’s ways of creating an opportunity for infidelity.  It is a behavior of betrayal in a committed relationship.  I say that this is an act of infidelity in that there is a sexual connection with another (in Andrew Weiner’s case) woman that is both inappropriate and degrading to his wife.

 

If the Weiner’s came to me for help with their marriage, here’s how I would counsel them.

 

First I would want to find out how committed Mr. Weiner was to staying in the relationship and if he was, it would be important for Mr. Weiner to show deep remorse for what he has done over a period of time.

 

Both in counseling and in the relationship itself it would have to be understood that time would be an important factor in healing from the infidelity; time for his wife to deal with her hurt, anger and shame.   Often times I have seen couples in counseling that the offending person has promised to do whatever it takes when they are first discovered and over time the unfaithful partner has difficulty sticking to that commitment.

 

In my next blogs I will give three practical steps that the Weiner’s should be taking. These steps are important for any couple who has suffered from the trauma of infidelity.

 

For more details about how to survive infidelity you can read my two manuals about how to “Heal from the Trauma of Infidelity” (one for the betrayed partner and for the unfaithful partner)

 

How to Have a Good Fight

Couples Counseling/ Relationship Counseling

 How to Have a Good Fight   (Part 2 of a 5 part series)

In the previous blog I talked about what it means to have a “bad” fight, in the next four blogs I’m going to give you six guidelines about how to have a “good” fight.  The purpose of this and the previous blog is to give folks an idea of what to do and what not to when having an argument.  Some people’s reaction to this subject are that I’m being too negative by talking about having a fight; but on second thought, every couple is going to fight, so the question is not whether or not a couple is going to have conflicts but how are the going to behave so that at the end of the battle the relationship will still be strong.

Here are two things that are constructive about fighting.

1. It is good to have a disagreement even a fight if it “clears the air”.  Some times couples hold back and they don’t forget they just store resentments that come out later when there is a fight.

2.  A good fight is not emotionally wounding.  The disagreements are respectful and are geared toward making a point not hurting your partner. It is important to remember long after the issue is forgotten the wounds can still be there.

In the next blog I will offer three more suggestions about how to have a “good fight”.

YourMarriageCounselor.com - has couples and marriage counselors in the following  areas in New Jersey of: ChesterFlorhamParkSomersetNew Brunswick,   Upper Montclair,  Paramus, Voorhees Chevy Chase, MD.  -

How to Have a Good Fight in Your Relationship.

How to Have a Good Fight in Your Relationship. (Part 1 of a 5 part series)

On the surface the idea of having a good fight seems ridiculous.  If we think about the idea a little more deeply, we realize that every couple fights, in fact every couple needs to have a fight.  It’s virtually impossible for a couple to agree on everything and at one point for one person not to offend their partner.  When there are strong disagreements or we are offended and those negative feelings have to come out somewhere.  In my office, when I am doing couple’s counseling, I almost always find that the couples have either totally avoided fights or have fought badly.

 

Here’s what it means to fight badly:

  1. We insult our partner
  2. We scream at our partner
  3. We hold a grudge
  4. We ignore what our partner has to say
  5. No one is willing to compromise

 

Next time you have a fight with your partner see how you rate yourself in terms of how you well you fight.

I don’t mean to be negative, but as a marriage counselor these are the type of negative situations that happen daily with couples that I counsel and it really helps to identify what a couple shouldn’t do as a starting point for improving a relationship.

 

In my next four blogs I’ll give guidelines for having “A good fight.”

YourMarriageCounselor.com - has couples and marriage counselors in the following  areas in New Jersey of: ChesterFlorhamParkSomersetNew Brunswick,   Upper Montclair,  Paramus, Voorhees Chevy Chase, MD.  -

I’m Lonely in My Marriage (Part IV)

Couples Counseling / Marriage Counseling

 

I’m Lonely in My Marriage (Part IV)

 

In this blog, two different level of strategies will be discussed; the first will be if things haven’t gone too far; and the second will relate to a more intense negative situation, where there are strong lonely feelings

 

If you are in the early stages of recognizing that you are lonely then you need to dedicate to having more points of connection with each other.  One or two phone calls or texts during the day, a little time together at night (20 minutes to a half hour) just to catch up with each other’s day and to see how the other person is doing.  Once a week, or at the least every other week,  or every third week you should have a date with each other.  A couple that talks to each other and has fun with each other grows closer and feel more connected by by having times of connection.  Remember if you don’t treat your relationship as a priority it will only deteriorate.

 

If you are in the later stages of the loneliness, then much more action is necessary. Couples need help in figuring out why the distance happened.  As mentioned in the previous two blogs in this series intense emotional distance comes from anger and disappointment.  Couples need to discover what caused the disappointment and the anger.  Often times it’s necessary for a third trained person to help track what happened and when it occurred .  Once you this is figured out in marriage counseling the disappointment and anger can be gotten past and the reconnection and loving relationship will follow.

 

In my experience, with effective relationship counseling, that actively pursues the areas of conflict that I have mentioned loneliness is usually resolved.

 

For more detailed information you might want to look at my manual “Relationship Rescue Manual

YourMarriageCounselor.com - has couples and marriage counselors in the following  areas in New Jersey of: ChesterFlorhamParkSomersetNew Brunswick,   Upper Montclair,  Paramus, Voorhees Chevy Chase, MD.  -

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