Your Marriage Counselor

34 Years of Experience Helping Couples Get Together

(02) Relationships & Marriage Counseling

Marriage at First Sight – Part III – How to have the perfect relationship

Marriage at First Sight-

A Marriage Counselor tells you:

How to have the perfect  Marriage -

“A Social Experiment”  Part III (How you can be guaranteed to Find the Perfect Mate)

Blindfolded couple

I discovered that I have a lot to say on this issue so I’ve decided to divide this into two more blogs.

I have promised you in the previous two blogs that I would tell you how to find the perfect mate.  On writing this section

Here’s my answer:

Perfect mates are not found by psychological profiles or research, they are created.

The secret is that: we need to spend as much time, thought, and effort on working on our relationship as we do on first creating it.

Here is the basic outline for what we have to put our energy into (i.e. time, thought, and effort )

Marriage Counseling Tip #1

1. During my marriage counseling sessions I suggest to couples that on a regular basis we have to show and tell her partner how much we care about them.

Too often we believe that once we said I do and I love you never has to be repeated.

At least one if not both of the people in the relationship need constant reinforcement and reassurance that the other person still has those loving feelings.

 

Marriage Counseling Tip #2

2. No matter what we have to find time to go talk with them and do things with them.

As we live our lives we get incredibly busy. There is always a good reason that we don’t have enough time to be with a partner.  Nothing takes the place of ongoing communication with the person we are sharing our life with.  When we spend time with the person we are reminded of why we like them so much and we continue to maintain a special friendship with that person.

In my next blog, I will share the remaining two things that I tell couples in marriage counseling

Write your thoughts about this blog and I will send you a free copy 

of my Relationship Rescue Manual

 

Love is what what we say and do even more than what we feel.

 

Reduced Fee For Counseling | Marriage Counseling

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Reduced Fee For Marriage

Counseling

From $195 -> $145 for Friday, July 18th

If you are a first time client & would like to have an initial session with
Dr. Marty he has 2 times available - 
instead of his regular fee of $195 the fee will be $145.
You can have either an in person or a phone session.
Marriage Counseling sessions are available on a first come first serve basis.
Call (732) 246-8484 or email drmarty@comcast.net

Dr. Marty has a doctorate in clinical psychology, he is a licensed marriage counselor .

He is the author of 5 books on marriage counseling

* Healing from The Trauma of  Infidelity (for the faithful partner)

* Healing from The Trauma of  Infidelity (for the unfaithful partner)

* Negotiation for Couples: from Conflict to Cooperation

* The Essential Guide to a Lasting Marriage

* Relation Rescue Manual

 

Dr. Marty believes that whenever possible the goal of marriage counseling is to help couples stay together.

Marriage Counseling  should give folks specific techniques to help them through difficult times and teach skills to help couples feel closer to each other.

Married at First Sight. – “A Social Experiment” Part II (Why will this show be so popular?) | marriage counseling

Reduced Fee For Counseling
From $195 -> $145 for Friday, July 18th
If you are a first time client & would like to have an initial session with
Dr. Marty he has 2 times available -
instead of his regular fee of $195 the fee will be $145.
You can have either an in person or a phone session.
The sessions are available on a first come first serve basis
Call (732) 246-8484 or email drmarty@comcast.net

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Married at First Sight.  – “A Social

Experiment”  Part II (Why will this

show be so popular?)  by Dr. Marty

Tashman (Marriage Counselor)

 

I predict that  there will not only be a lot of folks watching the program, but a long list of willing participants for “Married at First Sight”.

 

There are two reasons for the enthusiasm for the idea that we have the formula for finding the perfect mate:

1. The concept of the program combines our romantic fantasy of looking for a “soul mate” with “scientific research” and then gives us an answer that will guarantee us happiness for the rest of our married life.

2. The program satisfies our wish that there is a way to find the perfect mate without any effort.  Finding and dating can be such a pain, it is a wonderful thought to know there is a method to finding marital bliss without having to work at it.

 Challenges to The Concept of Married At First Sight

1. The typical first stage of a romantic relationship is like having an addiction.  We obsess about our new relationship and we are “driven” to be with them.

2. We feel uneasy when we are not with our partner.

3. We constantly need reenforcement (like an addict needs their fix).

 

The hype, the exposure for the couple, the implications on their future life, in addition to the normal “addictive” response, is going to create an artificial euphoria, a high that will color the participants responses.

 

Personally, I love the idea that by a screening process, we could find the “perfect marriage partner.”

 

As a marriage counselor of many years, I know how to find the perfect mate and in my next and third blog on the subject, I will tell you “Dr. Marty’s secret” to finding the perfect mate.

 

What do you think is the idea of having a soul mate and a perfect marriage real or a Hollywood creation?

In about 2 paragraphs, tell me your thoughts, and if you are one the first three people to answer I’ll give you a free 20 minute consultation.

 

 

 

Married at First Sight. – “A Social Experiment” | marriage counseling

Married at First Sight. – “A Social

Experiment”

by Dr. Marty Tashman (Marriage Counselor) (Three part series)* Blindfolded couple The other day, I was channel surfing and I came to the FYI Channel and saw “Married at First Sight”. I was fascinated by the program for about 20 minutes and then moved on. Married at First Sight is a new reality show that has been getting a lot of buzz. There are articles in the Boston Globe, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, and numerous videos on You Tube. Imagine the wonder, the excitement of meeting your life partner for the first time right before your wedding. Well six people will have the thrill of that experience on national T.V. on Married at First Sight.

The premise is described by the New York post (July 8th, 2014) as “Total Strangers Marry at First Sight” the post goes on to describe the process:

“Potential cast members filled out lengthy personality profiles, and the four experts went on field visits to conduct psychological assessments, sexology sessions and spiritual counseling to narrow 625 possible matches down to three ideal couples.

The spouses know nothing about each other — even their names — until they walk down the aisle in the premiere. The next nine episodes follow the newlyweds as they live together for four weeks — after which they have to decide whether to remain married or get a divorce.”

The show has gotten some strong criticism from a number of sources for example Sam Rohrer the President of the American Pastors Network says:

“A major role of pastors today is spending serious time counseling couples who want to enter into the sacred union of marriage,” Rohrer said. “Marriage is not a game show, a contest or something to entertain the masses. Rather, it is a divine relationship defined by God in the Garden of Eden and confirmed throughout Scripture. This show puts two people in a precarious position that will potentially scar them for future healthy relationships and, worse yet, endorses the destructive view that divorce is a logical escape route when marital challenges arise.”
A number of other experts have also given scathing comments focusing on how the show makes a mockery of marriage.

In part II of this series I will talk about why I think this show was and will be so popular.

In part III. I will unveil “Dr. Marty’s secret, he has discovered in his many years as a marriage counselor

for how Married at First Sight” can give all three couples successful marriages.

What do you think? The first 10 people who respond will get a free copy of my download book: “Negotiation for Couples: From Conflict to Cooperation”

 

So the question is: after all of this will couples really feel connected or find themselves in a marriage counselor’s office?

Emotional Infidelity: A simple straight forward discussion, by a marriage counselor who has worked with 100’s of these situations.

Emotional Affair : A simple

straight forward discussion, by a

marriage counselor who has

worked with 100’s of these

situations.

seperated-couple-metaphorical-image-silhouettes-backdrop-sunset-35544578

Question: Can’t men and woman be friends?  Answer: Absolutely.  Partners should not try and control each other in terms of who they are friendly with but if you see the danger signs below the friendship is at risk for an Emotional Affair

 

Definition - Emotional affair  is when: You are better “friends” with someone of the opposite sex than you are with your partner. Sometimes this issue comes up with an “Office Wife” or “Office Husband”  An Office W/H is someone of the opposite gender you team up with because they understand and support your work efforts.

 

Below are 5 simple guidelines that can help determine if someone is an Office W/H. as compared to a coworker.   I don’t like the term, but I know it’s used.  Only one person should have the title Husband or Wife or else it can lead to a new term “X” wife or “X” husband.

 

Danger signs of an emotional affair


1. You spend more time talking with your friend than your partner.
2. When your “friend” knows you better than your partner.
3. When you keep secrets from your partner about your contact with your friend.
4. You tell private things about your relationship to your friend.
5. You complain about your relationship to your “friend” for “advice”.

Corrective action.

If the issue is minor
Get together with your partner and your friend and their partner. This is not a guarantee, but it can make things easier.

If the issue is becoming a problem
Share the conversation you have with your “friend” with your partner.  Don’t keep secrets.

If the issue is severe
Whether or not there is anything going on, your partner will be uncomfortable with the relationship and act is if there is an emotional affair.  Run, don’t walk, into couple’s / marriage therapy to discover what is missing in your relationship.  If you don’t go for counseling there will be resentment and anger between you and your partner.  The exchange runs the risk of intense anger as the driving force and the communication between the couple is angry and aggressive.  I’m not saying that those responses aren’t understandable, but those feelings, if not dealt with, can destroy the relationship.

 Dr. Marty (who is a licensed Marriage Counselor) is the author of:

* Relationship Rescue Manual

 *Healing the Hurt of Infidelity (for the faithful partner)

 *Healing the Hurt of Infidelity (for the unfaithful partner)

 *Negotiation Handbook for Couples: from conflict to cooperation.

 The Essential Guide to A Lasting Relationship.

 * Buy any one of the downloadable books (indicated by*) for $10 if you mention this article in the month of July 2014

 

 

 

How To Win Every Argument | Marriage Counseling

A Marriage Counselor tells you: How to Win Every Argument.

Taken from Dr. Marty’s 2 books: Divorce Rescue Manual & Negotiation for Couples: from conflict to cooperation.

angry

We have to be careful that we don’t win an argument at the expense of hurting the relationship.

When I work with a couple in relationship counseling:

I’ve found that arguments are never about the issue, they are about being acknowledged as being valued. If you don’t believe me think about an argument you have had. How clearly do you remember the feeling and how clearly do you remember the issue?

Ask yourself: does there have to be a winner or a loser? When I work with a couple in counseling I help them understand that different points of view are possible – it’s not about being right or winning, it’s about feeling good about each other and coming to an understanding where people respect each other’s feelings, thoughts and ideas. I ask the couple to remember to ask themselves: is the issue more important than the relationship?

Here are some things during marriage counseling I suggest that couples say when in an “argument” (be careful not to patronize the other person)
That’s one way of seeing it
You could be right, but I see it differently
Let’s see if we can figure something out that works for both of us.

What folks who succeed in relationship counseling learn is during relationship counseling is: winning an argument is when at the end of the disagreement both of you feel good about each other and have come up with something that shows concern for each other person’s feelings.

Marriage Counseling tip:  

The universe (Gd) gave us two ears, two eyes and one mouth.  Maybe there’s a message there. 

Go to www.YourMarriageCounselor.com to “Ask Dr. Marty” about any question you have about your relationship.

My Husband / Wife is Filing For Divorce Is It Too Late For Counseling? (Part II) 4 Things you should do! | Marriage counseling

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Question for a Marriage Counselor

My Husband / Wife is Filing For Divorce Is It Too Late For Counseling? (Part II) -  4 things you should do 

The Right Way to Deal With This 

1. Don’t panic, take some time and calm yourself down. Find friends who can support you (not family because if you get back together there may be some fallout). These friends should be people who make you feel good about yourself and who don’t try and tell you what to think.

2. Think about what your partner’s complaints are and don’t try and convince them they are wrong. Do some soul searching and see why your partner would see things the way they do. 

3. Acknowledge what you can honestly see is a valid point on their part.

4. It takes time for a divorce to actually happen and chances are there will be some interaction, be reasonable (not a doormat).

Why it is especially important to work with a Marriage Counselor

This is a time where both people are feeling tremendous pressure and the inclination to do something destructive either because of anger or desperation is very high.

Whether you work on your marriage or on “uncoupling” this is a critical time because there are two possibilities: The partner who wants to leave has decided this because they don’t know what else to do, or they have gone past the point of “no return” and they are committed to a divorce.

If the first possibility is the case and the partner who wants to leave has decided this because they don’t know what else to do a couples counselor can help with offering new understandings and strategies.

If the second possibility is the case and the partner who wants to leave has gone past the point of “no return” and they are committed to a divorce, then finding a way to communicate more effectively might demonstrate to the “leaving partner” that they really have changed or at the very least that there will be fewer disagreements and less aggravation and less expense in terms of attorneys.

Lastly, if there are children, having a Marriage Counselor to help with the children’s response will be extremely helpful.

A Couples Counselor should help you work on yourself, not convince your partner that they are wrong.

Go to YourMarriageCounselor.com home page to: Ask Dr. Marty a question.

 

 

My Husband / Wife is Filing For Divorce Is It Too Late For Counseling? | marriage counselor

 About Marriage Counseling

Angry Couple

My Husband / Wife is Filing For

Divorce Is It Too Late For

 Marriage Therapy?

In the last three days I’ve gotten exactly the same question from three different people contacting me:

My husband / wife is filing for divorce. Is it too late for marriage counseling?

Here is what I said to them:

This is when help is most important.  

In marriage counseling we would start with what’s going on with the spouse. Sometimes spouses file for divorce not because they want to be divorced, but because they have run out of options. They feel like they have “tried everything.” If this is the situation, getting professional help is very important because folks don’t know how to get out of their own way. They push, beg and even threaten, but what they don’t do is approach the partner in “the right way.”

The Right Way
In my next blog I will go into depth, as I would during a marriage counseling session, and discuss the four things to do and not to do that will give the abandoned partner the best chance to work at getting reconnected with their spouse. The short version is:
Don’t panic
Don’t try and convince your partner they are wrong
Acknowledge your partner’s point of view
How to act while the divorce process is going on

Remember it isn’t about getting your partner to stay, it is about making the changes necessary to have a new relationship.

As a Marriage Counselor I share with folks that effective Marriage Counseling will not try and convince your partner to stay, they will show you and them how to behave differently so they will want to stay.

If you have a question about your situation go to: YourMarriageCounslor.com

 

Two Important things to know about Marriage Counseling

Prescription for a good Marriage Therapist

* A Marriage Counselor gives folks the tools to build a good relationship

* A Marriage Counselor doesn’t focus on who is right or wrong, but will help with figuring out what is the most effective way to regain a warm loving connection. 

A Marriage Counselor Suggests: How Famous Interracial Couples like Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, Survive Prejudices and Differences and Strenthen Their Marriage and Yours.

A Marriage Counselor Suggests: How Famous Interracial Couples like Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, Survive Prejudices and Differences and Strenthen Their Marriage and Yours.

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If a bi racial / bi cultural couple were in marriage counseling,they would have a number of issues to deal with in terms of prejudice. Handling prejudice has a number of additional issues for a couple to deal with.

Because Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, are famous it doesn’t mean that they aren’t faced with prejudice. Things are said behind their back as well as social slights occurring, career and work issues. No one is so famous that they are immune to being discriminated against.

The answer to dealing this prejudice is that it is both an “inside” and an “outside” job.

Advice from a Marriage Counselor:

“The Inside Job”
On the inside as human beings we all have to deal with our feelings about ourselves. There are famous figures that deep down are very unsure about themselves. They have to work on their self image so they can have the presence of mind to know when to confront prejudice and when to let things go.

Prejudice is most harmful when folks deep down don’t realize their own worth and the prejudice often says more about the person, group or organization that is behaving prejudicially.

In terms of bringing up their children, parents have to make an extra effort to build their children’s egos and their self image.

“The Outside Job” for marriage counseling
Here’s where the marriage plays an important role in not only dealing with prejudice, but coping with all of the tragedies and challenges that couples face. When the couple either individually or as a couple come across these pressures, it is especially important that the partner be sympathetic, protective, and thoughtful. These difficult times, test if our partner really “has our back.” Are they there when we need them, when we are most vulnerable, is the time that really impacts on the strength of the bond of the couple.

Conclusion
How Kanye West and Kim Kardashian handle these difficult issues will set the stage for the rest of their relationship. How you and your partner handle difficult issues will be something that you will always remember.

If couples are supportive and present a united front they will remember those times and it will be a strong glue that helps them through the tough times that life holds for them.

Remember: This month Dr. Marty will answer your  marriage counseling and relationship counseling questions for free just go to www.YourMarriageCounselor.com

“If Beyonce split and Gwyneth Paltrow are both Single: What Are The Odds of Not Being Cheated On Next Time?” (Part II) | Marriage Counselor

A Marriage Counselor’s Advice – “If Beyonce split and Gwyneth Paltrow are both Single: What Are The Odds of Not Being Cheated On Next Time?”  (Part II)

Gwyneth & Beyonce

As a relationship / Marriage Counselor here are my four pieces of advice to these rich and famous women (and for the rest of us folks as well):

 1. Take it slow – If you let yourself get swept up in the whirlwind activity that can follow a life like yours, it’s hard to tell what’s really going on between you and your partner.  Relationships often start with passion.  In the beginning of a relationship is like being addicted, both people are obsessed with each other and can’t wait to see them.  Personally, I love that part, but as time and certainly after marriage things get into a pattern, the question is:  Now that I am married “Do I like the pattern?”

2.  If I was to work with these two women in couples counseling, I would help them to realize that having a good time with someone does not equal having a good life with them.  Having fun with someone is very compelling, but the real test is going through hard times.  (see #3 for more on this)

3. How well do the two of you resolve conflict?  Is there discussion, compromise, and a realization that the issues usually are not as important as the relationship?

4. Is there transparency / openness?  We all need our privacy but the more we know about what our partner is doing and where they are, the less chance there is for “bad” things to  happen.

 

Marriage Counseling and Couples Counseling can go a long way to preventing these “bad” things from happening.

There is form of counseling called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)  During CBT counseling the counselor would help them think about what could be done to prevent being with an unfaithful partner and being a victim of infidelity again.

Why do affairs happen?

How do I forgive, or should I?

How can I prevent this from happening again?

What does it take for a relationship to be strong?

But for now the above four items are a starting point of advice about how to prevent infidelity to these two women.  By the way, these issues really apply to all of us even if we’re not Beyonce or Gwyneth. 

Marriage Counseling and Couples

Counseling really can Help

Remember you can always go to the home page and “Ask Dr. Marty” a question.  Dr. Marty’s answer is free. 

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