Relationship Rescue Manual Download

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Table of Contents

Introduction 1

Section I

Chapter 1 – Relationship Basics 6

Chapter 2 – Rejection 12

Chapter 3 – Looking at Yourself 14

Chapter 4 – Understanding Anger and Relationships 20

Chapter 5 – Where Your Relationship Stands 23

Section II

Chapter 6 – Changing Your Behavior 35

Chapter 7 – Strategies for Rescuing Your Relationship 37

Chapter 8 – Improving Communication 45

Chapter 9 – Having Effective Meetings 49

Conclusion 52

Dr. Marty’s Background 55

Introduction

Hi, I’m Dr. Marty:

For over thirty years I have been a therapist in private practice. I have a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, am a licensed Marriage and Family therapist and a Clinical Social Worker. On a personal note, I have been in a successful relationship for over 18 years, and genuinely believe that your quality of life, both your emotional and physical health are all profoundly influenced by the relationship with your partner.

I think we all know relationships are difficult to sustain and even more difficult to repair when damaged. I do believe however, that it is possible to “fix” troubled relationships, and that is why I wrote The Relationship Rescue Manual; to help couples save and move their relationships forward, as well as improve them overall. This manual offers a great deal of information on relationships and provides exercises that can be helpful in any of the following situations:

Your partner has left and you would like to win them back;
Your partner is saying they want to leave, but you still love them, want them to stay and work things out;
You are worried that your partner is going to leave you.

Before we get into the details of the manual, I have two pieces of good news (At this point, I’m sure you can use some.)

Number #1 Piece of Good News - You may have more time than you realize.

If you are reading this, chances are that you and your spouse are struggling with your relationship. Your partner may be sleeping in a different room, not living in the same home, may have spoken to an attorney or already filed for divorce. Remember though, that even if court papers have been filed, the complete process of divorce takes time. This manual is designed to show you how to most effectively use the time you have and give you a chance to save your marriage. If you follow the suggestions of

The Relationship Rescue Manual you will have succeeded in two ways:

1) You will have tried your hardest and be pleased with what you have done;

2) You will have learned what to do in the future to limit the chances of repeated heartbreak. Remember, you can’t control what someone else does, but you can be proactive in changing your own behavior.

Number #2 Piece of Good News - You don’t have to do everything right or all at once.

I know from having done thousands of hours of counseling that often the partner who wants to leave the relationship is really very reluctant to do so. They feel desperate and hopeless and believes that their partner will never change. It is often out of desperation that divorce becomes the chosen option. You don’t have to do everything right or follow every suggestion in the manual, but you do have to do enough so your partner believes that you are sincere about wanting to change things. You have the ability to help make things different. The point here is that you don’t have to be perfect, but convince your partner by your actions that you are moving in the right direction.

Years from now you will be able to look back at this time with a sense of pride in having done your best to heal the relationship. As you go through this manual, always keep in mind you cannot fail if you do your best, and you cannot succeed if you don’t try. You will have succeeded because after you have done the exercises in the manual you will really understand what makes a relationship work and what causes it to fail. You may have heard a familiar saying, “If you continue to do what you’ve been doing, you’llget the same results as before.” Learning to approach your relationship issues in a different way will help you avoid repeating patterns that will ultimately result in the same problems. Having said that, let’s be positive and work through the manual “as if” things will work out.

Do You Really Want To Rescue Your Relationship?

As a marriage counselor for 35 years, I have received hundreds of calls from frantic and desperate partners crying, not sleeping, not eating and even thinking about ending their lives. Fixing your marriage in many cases can be done, but it will take work on your part.

The reason you are reading this is because you want to save something very special. You realize there are significant consequences when a relationship comes apart. If you have children it will change your relationship with them. Financially, not including lawyer’s fees (which are sizable), pensions, savings and your day to day life style will be effected. Most importantly, that special person will no longer betheir, you will be alone, and if you have the energy, you will have to start the relationship process all over again.

Here’s What It Takes to Rescue Your Relationship

The Relationship Rescue Manual is filled with various questions for you to answer. Some are in the form of a check-off list, while others require writing short answers. The point here is that designing a house, cooking a meal, or taking a course in college takes time and energy, and so will saving your relationship but it is worth it.

How Best To Use the Manual

Here are the things that you will need to do in the next 30 days:

Print out the manual.
Skim through the manual quickly in order to get the general idea about the material.
Go back over the material and underline the things that seem important to you.
Do the exercises in the manual and think about them.

Fill out the progress form at the end of the manual in Appendix I. The entire process should take 15 to 30 hrs. An hour a day over a month can make a real difference.

There is a great deal of material in The Relationship Rescue Manual. There are a number of interactive writing exercises that you may be tempted to give up on or take a short cut, but you stand a much better chance of rescuing your relationship, if you do the exercises I have suggested, and resist the temptation to skip sections. You will then be in a much better position to have a positive and even improved relationship with your partner.

Changing your partner’s commitment to the relationship is not about saying that you’ve changed but about behaving differently. Your actions will demonstrate to your partner that the reality of losing them has really made you want to make things different. This manual will give you those tools, but you must be patient and consistent

Throughout this process there will be times when you get tired, frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed. When that happens remember three things:

15-30 hours of work for the beginning of a new life is a great trade off an

it’s worth it.

2) A little added positive motivation while you are in the middle of the change

process is a very good thing. When you feel your motivation decreasing,

reread the “Positive Motivation” section on page 14.

3) You are doing your best and what you are learning now will go a long way to making any future relationships flourish.

If you are someone who needs basic guidelines, The Relationship Rescue Manual is perfect for you. If you follow the guidelines, use the techniques and complete the exercises, you will be well on your way to healing your relationship and making it stronger than ever.

What You Will Find In the Manual

The Relationship Rescue Manual is divided into two sections. The Chapters in Section 1 provide basic information on relationships, and give you an opportunity to evaluate where you and your relationship stand. Section 2 discusses strategies for rescuing and

rebuilding your relationship and contains numerous exercises to help you move forward in this journey.

Chapter 1 – Relationship Basics, discusses the fundamentals of relationships. You will read about the five stages and the “ingredients” that are necessary to make it healthy and positive. When you thoroughly understand the different parts of your relationship you can then make the necessary changes to turn things around.

Chapter 2 – Rejection, addresses this difficult emotion that you will most likely encounter during the rebuilding process and offers strategies for handling it.

Chapter 3 – Looking at Yourself, gives you an opportunity for self examination. The best way to change a situation is to look inward and determine what you can do to move things forward.

Chapter 4 – Where Your Relationship Stands, will have you examine what is going on in your relationship now. There are a number of exercises to complete that will get you thinking about how you feel about your partner and how you think your partner feels about you. It is here that you will really start to recognize some of the specific issues that you are struggling with as a couple.

Chapter 5 – Understanding Anger and Relationships, discusses the role anger plays in it.. Every relationship that is not working has an element of anger in it. This chapter will help you understand where the anger issues fit in your relationship and give you strategies for dealing with them.

Chapter 6 – Changing Your Behavior Making changes in your own behavior is key to rebuilding your relationship. This chapter has you identify what specific changes you would like to make in yourself and the relationship. You must be proactive in this process, as no one can force another person to change.

Chapter 7 – Strategies for Rescuing Your Relationship, offers a number of specific things you can do to start improving your relationship and become closer to your partner. Included here is how to work towards rebuilding trust between you and your partner.

Chapter 8 – Improving Communication, will discuss how to effectively improve your ability to communicate with and relate to your partner.

Chapter 9 – Having Effective Meetings. Conversations with your partner will be an integral part of the rebuilding process and this chapter will give you an understanding of how to have productive and positive meetings.

Conclusion: Making Everything Work – New Beginnings. The final chapter ties all of the material in The Relationship Rescue Manual together and shows you that a new, improved and healthier relationship is possible.

Additional Information and Help

For ease of reading, I use the pronouns “him” and “her” (and variations) interchangeably. The topic or issue of each chapter has no bearing whatsoever on which pronoun is used. Regardless of the pronoun used, it is to be representative of both genders.

Throughout the manual I will use the terms the “Out Partner” and the “In Partner.” The “Out Partner” is the person who wants out of the relationship and the “In Partner” is the one who wants to restore the relationship.

If you are not comfortable writing or need a “jumpstart,” spend time thinking about each of the answers before writing, talk to a friend about them, or you can call me at (732) 246-8484. I will be glad to both coach and counsel you. I usually coach for ½ hr sessions, although, we can do more if you wish. Using the manual in combination with our short sessions can help both speed up the process and reduce the cost of counseling. There are many ways for the manual to be used effectively. (NOTE: There is a fee for phone consultations, although less than traditional therapy. If you choose to work with me and have purchased the manual there will be a reduced rate).

Chapter 1

Relationship Basics

The Five Stages of Relationships

Before you begin actually working on your relationship, you need to start by understanding relationships in general. You have probably heard couples say, “We knew the moment we saw each other across the room that this was THE ONE and we have been happily married for 45 years.” Although we all wish we could experience love this way, the reality is that for most of us, relationships go through certain stages. Relationships and marriages that evolve successfully generally go through five phases of development: Honeymoon; Accommodation; Challenge; Cross Roads; and Rebirth.

Phase 1: The Honeymoon (Love- ain’t it great!)

This is the romantic, passionate, stars-in-the-eyes phase. The sex is good and there is never enough of it. This doesn’t happen for all couples but as a rule, this strong attraction stage is laced with thinking about and wanting to be with, your new love.

Phase 2: Accommodation (O.K, so love isn’t perfect)

Even Romeo and Juliet had they been married, would have had to deal with the day-to-day realities. In the Accommodation Stage, roles are established, expectations are set and compromises are made. It is here that disillusionment sets in and power struggles become evident. The other person’s habits, needs, anger and withdrawal patterns become uncomfortably clear. Intense conflict has the potential for developing during this stage. It is most advantageous to learn about problem solving, conflict management and communication during this stage.

Phase 3: The Challenge (trouble in paradise)

A couple doesn’t really know how strong a relationship is until they deal with the challenges that life brings. Whether it is starting a new job, unemployment or the unfortunate occurrence of an accident or family illness, we all face challenges in life. The Challenge Stage lets the partners know what they can expect from each other during these demanding times.

Children and family crises are important factors during this stage. Each partner sets their own rules and expectations for raising children and how extended family issues should be handled. The challenge here is to be aware of this fact and find a successful compromise in meeting each other’s rules and expectations.

During the Challenge Phase there is a certain amount of disillusionment. The relationship is not what it was dreamed to be and one or both partners may be increasingly attracted to other people of the opposite sex. Sometimes, there is fantasizing about past loves. This is a time when the relationship is very vulnerable to unfaithfulness. How couples handle this phase will determine the direction that it will take in the Crossroads Phase.

Phase 4: The Crossroads (What do I do at this stage of my life?)

Once couples reach this stage they have already experienced some challenges (e.g. medical or money problems) and now other life decisions will have to be made (e.g. to have children, where to live, how to spend money). This stage is different from the Challenge Phase because a number of challenges have already occurred and the couple has learned how each other responds in these situations. The emotional patterns of each are clear and they have established patterns of dealing with their differences. It is common for problems to arise in this stage, but because you have already experienced a great many shared challenges, you stand the best chance of working through these issues and getting to the Rebirth Stage. The three most common negative patterns for individuals to engage in during this stage are:

Being resigned to sticking with the bad decision of staying in the

relationship;

Emotional withdrawal;
Trying to force the other person into being different.

Phase 5: Rebirth (New marriage)

It is estimated that only 15% of all couples reach this stage. At this point, folks have figured out “the real person” they have married. To achieve it they will have successfully dealt with the Accommodation, Challenge and Crossroads Stages. In this phase, couples learn how and when to compromise and they truly (not on the surface) accept areas of differences with minimum resentment. In this stage couples learn to re-appreciate and re-love each other and:

Focus on what is right with each other;
Give each other the benefit of the doubt in conflict situations;
Successfully manage and truly accept frustrations, disappointments and hurts;
Agree to disagree and fully value each other, even if they are totally unable to see things the same way;
Have a give and take sexual relationship on a regular basis;
Communicate in such a way they really listen to and hear each other;
Can disagree with each other and be O.K with that;

Recover from their disagreements within a short period of time;
Constantly find things to appreciate about each other;
Spend time relaxing and having fun on a weekly basis;
Spend time talking about issues that come up in their relationship.

Four Ingredients in a Good Relationship

In working with many couples over the years, I have come to recognize common themes that run through both the successful and difficult relationships. There are four important factors in a good relationship

Feeling accepted;
Feeling as though your partner has influence over you;
Not telling your partner something she already knows;
Keeping judgments about the other person’s issues or problems to a

minimum.

1. Feeling Accepted

People get married or make long-term commitments because they want to feel accepted and validated and to feel good about themselves. The guideline for all relationships is: Relationships go well when partners are making each other feel valued. Everything else flows from this core reality. When one partner says something to make the other feel valued and important it strengthens the relationship. In contrast, when one partner says something negative and causes the other to feel badly (regardless of small it may seem), it breaks down the relationship.

Action to take using this information: Keeping this in mind, you can begin working on improving your relationship by looking for things to say that will make your partner feel valued. For example: “Mary, you are working hard at not yelling when you talk to me;” or “Jack, I appreciate that you are calling before you come over to the apartment.” Look for something that your partner is doing well and be positive about it. The caution here is to be genuine and not patronizing.

Action to Avoid: Stay away from saying things that your partner will hear as criticism.

The importance of looking for something positive about your partner is a simple guideline you can consistently follow in your journey towards rebuilding your relationship. This doesn’t mean you don’t get upset or disagree, but that you communicate these thoughts and feelings in a way that does not make your partner feel devalued.

Fights and feeling accepted

A particularly vulnerable time for relationships can be during disagreements and fights. These can occur because of different points of view, something that one person forgets to do, or actions that are annoying, offensive, or hurtful. While fighting is an important part of a relationship it is also dangerous because there is a strong possibility of saying hurtful things that can make your partner feel devalued. To avoid this, the conversation needs to focus on the specific issues at hand. It is especially helpful if you find something positive to say about your partner even though you are expressing disagreement. The following examples state the area of disagreement but also acknowledges your partner in some way: “I know you want our home to look nice but I’m concerned about the expense;” or “I know how important it is to you to have a nice car, but I’m upset that it will put us into debt.” People are different and their priorities vary. The goal here is to discuss the differences and be clear that while you do not agree with your partner’s priority, you respect it. You can disagree in an agreeable way. In fact, some good relationships are characterized by an on-going expression of differences. People in these relationships often say, “We fight all the time. We need to express ourselves and get our problems out in the open.”

The success of these couples though is most likely due to the way that their “fighting” is done.

To further explain how this can work I will take the story of Mark and Anna, who are separated. When Mark comes to visit, he sees Anna correcting the children and feels that she should leave them alone. The best way for Mark to handle this would be to say something such as, “It’s hard for me to see you speaking like that to Sally (their child), but I know you have your reasons. I may not agree, but I do understand that’s it important to you.” Yes, there can be trouble with this exchange, but it will at least limit the conflict more than if Mark said, “Why don’t you just leave Sally alone?” That statement does not allow for differences and does not acknowledge Anna’s perspective and causes even more distance between them.

2. Feeling As Though Your Partner Has Influence over You

As a marriage counselor I often hear “She doesn’t listen to me;” “She’s going do what she wants no matter what I say.” All of us want to feel that we have influence over our partner. This does not mean however, that our partner has to do everything we want or agree with us on everything. It does mean though, that we need to believe our partner has heard us.

Having influence is especially important when a marriage is on the verge of ending. We all need to feel that a great deal of thought and weight is given to our perspective and that the other person takes our opinions seriously. Letting your partner know that you have given thought to your conversations can go a long way. Statements such as, “I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I have been thinking a lot about what you said;” or “Even though I don’t agree with you I think you are right about…” are much less likely to produce negative feelings in your partner. These statements don’t mean you completely agree, but that you have given thought to your partner’s opinions and ideas, they are important to you, and you have spent some time thinking about them.

3. Not Telling Your Partner Something He Already Knows

It is essential to understand that when you are frustrated or angry about an issue and repeat to your “meaningful other” something he already knows, it will have a negative effect on the relationship. Men in particular often experience this as nagging. For example, restating the obvious with statements such as, “You have to do your taxes or you’ll be in trouble;” or “I told you we are lost, why didn’t you ask for directions?” will often result in a counter attack or withdrawal into angry silence.

To help avoid these types of responses it is most important that you deal with your own feelings of frustration. A statement about your feelings and reactions rather than an accusatory statement is the ideal way to communicate this information. Let’s go back to the statement, “You have to pay your taxes.” This might be heard more positively by saying, “Do you want me to help you get some of your receipts together?” or “Do you want me to remind you about the deadline date with the taxes?”

An attempt to help with the solution rather than saying something that could be perceived as a criticism gives the other person some control over future communications about the taxes. The more options people feel they have the less defensive or angry their response is likely to be.

4. Keeping Judgments to a Minimum

Another key element in making relationships work is having verbal exchanges that are non-judgmental. When we were growing up we often heard judgmental types of message from our parents. They would say things such as: “Don’t be lazy, do your homework;” or “What’s wrong with you, can’t you listen to anything I say?” It’s easy, if not natural, to pick up habits based on our childhood experiences and often, we don’t even realize that we are being judgmental.

Judgmental types of communication are also triggered when one partner is feeling hurt or angry. When we feel that our significant other is negatively judging us, we feel diminished and devalued and the result is a defensive or passive-aggressive response. We also stop listening and the argument and bad feelings are no longer about the original subject of discussion but are about “ego repair.” We actually become focused on trying to feel better about ourselves. These are the difficult times because negative statements cannot be taken back, even if we make an apology. It can take a great deal of repair work to fix the damage done by disparaging ego statements.

Ego repair can be an extremely difficult task and the offenders will have their work cut out for them. They will need to modify their behavior or their partners will continue to respond in a negative manner and feel emotionally damaged as well. It can also be difficult for those who have been offended. They are the injured party and yet if they say something hurtful in return, they too are now responsible to do some ego repair. The offended partners are in a real bind; they are the ones who have been injured and yet cannot sit back and do nothing.

Now that you have some basic information about relationships, it is time to start your journey toward the ultimate goal – the “Rebirth Stage.” Be mindful though, that it is not about “fixing” things so your relationship returns to where it used to be. It is about creating something far better; a relationship full of trust, security and passion and ultimately, a deeper love.

Chapter 2

Rejection

Before looking at your relationship in detail I want to address the issue of rejection, which you will most likely encounter at some point in your journey. It is not going to be easy to convince your partner to change his mind about your relationship. Both in the beginning and during the process there will be times when things will be touch and go, your partner will say nasty hurtful things or tell you he does not want to be with you anymore. We are all human and get discouraged when our efforts are rejected. Learning to deal with rejection is one of the hardest things to accomplish while trying to rescue your relationship.

It is likely that even though you are ready and probably anxious to make things better, your partner is not. Research in this area has found that men are three times more likely than women to give up on a relationship and less likely to try different techniques to repair the situation. If you are a man, be warned not to give up, even if you experience rejection from your partner.

It is important to realize that each of us may be ready to forgive at different times and the forgiveness often occurs in stages. Your partner may be considering lowering the barriers but is still cautious and doesn’t want to become too vulnerable. You may want to give up just when your partner is looking for confirmation of your new commitment and change.

On the other hand, you don’t want your partner to feel pressured or worse yet, stalked. To avoid this don’t approach him directly, but let him see that your interactions and behaviors are different. Your partner will be far more impressed by your new perspectives and personal changes if he experiences them and you have refrained from continuous pestering.

It is also important to realize that if you don’t get the response you are hoping for, your partner may be “testing” (consciously or unconsciously) you to see if you are really committed to making a change. Here a sensitive balance is necessary. On the one hand, going into a situation expecting the best is a good start; but on the other hand, being able to accept the worst is also important. If you don’t get the response that you hoped for it is extremely important to accept the rejection. Remember, different people have different time tables for forgiveness.

The partner who wants to make amends is always more focused on the need to restore the relationship rather than negative feelings of anger, hurt and frustration. The “out partner” however, probably feels like he has been putting up with these issues for weeks, months, or even years and has reached a breaking point. This person needs time to regain an emotional balance and it usually takes him longer to accept the repair attempts.

Even though showing your partner how you are changing is better than telling him, you will at some time discuss your relationship. If your partner tells you he is not yet ready to work on the relationship it is best if you accept it with as much graciousness as possible. Honestly accepting rejection, not faking it, is a very powerful approach.

Waiting for the Other Partner

One of the biggest mistakes that the “in partner” can make is to wait for the “out partner” to go for counseling. If continuing the relationship is really important to you then act, because waiting can reduce your chance at successfully fixing things. Going for counseling on your own gives your partner three clear positive messages:

I care enough about the relationship to do something to make it better.
I am willing to take a hard look at my role in the problems we are having.
I “hear” you and finally get what you have been saying for a long time (that you are unhappy and the relationship is in trouble).

So, what can one person do without the other present? Couples’ counseling can often involve working with just one person and can help you to:

Better understand your partner and learn to see the world from his perspective;
Take an impartial look at yourself; “You can’t cut your own hair;”
Figure out the best way to approach and talk to your partner;
Avoid accidentally stepping on “landmines” and blowing up the relationship;
Appreciate an impartial perspective (the counselor’s) derived from the professional experience of seeing what works and what doesn’t work in relationships.
Lessen the tension in your relationship. Relationships are like two hands holding a rubber band. If both hands pull on the rubber band it will snap. If one hand moves toward the other, the tension decreases and the rubber band does not snap. Learning to put less stress on the “rubber band” can stop your marriage from snapping into divorce.

Rescuing your relationship is a difficult process at best. When you realize what you might be losing, you become upset and it’s hard to think strait. You go over and over things in your mind. People in this situation have feelings of panic, fear and sadness, to name a few reactions. Through all of this, the goal of repairing your relationship will have a much better chance of succeeding if you can deal with your partner’s rejection and take the initiative to bring new behaviors and words to the table. These things are not easy to do, but if you hang in there and follow the suggestions in the manual, you will be that much closer to rescuing your relationship.

Chapter 3

Looking at Yourself

Before any of us can begin to examine our relationship we need to step back and do some self evaluation. This chapter will give you an opportunity to identify the stress and emotions you are experiencing at this difficult time. The place to start is by asking: What is my general state of mind? How stressed am I? If you are reading this manual, your answer is probably 7 or more on a scale of 1 to 10 (being very high).

People who feel very stressed do not think as clearly, are more likely to respond negatively to situations and are pretty pessimistic about the future. Most people push ahead and try to immediately solve their problems when they are upset. They don’t step back, take a personal inventory and really examine their current stress level. Therefore, your first task is to work on reducing your stress level.

Dealing with your stress level is different from working on the problems in your relationship. Most people believe that the way to lower their stress level is to solve the problems. They are wrong! As you move away from negative feelings such as panic, deep depression or severe anxiety you will be able to think more clearly. It is important to remember that regardless of how good your plan or strategy is for solving a problem it won’t work if you are in an agitated state of mind.

Technique # 1: Lowering Your Stress Level

Try an exercise that I call a mini-meditation to help you further understand your state of mind. Find a quiet and comfortable place to sit (no television, radio, cell phone, etc.). Notice any tension you feel and where it is located. Rate the tension you feel on a scale of 1 (lowest) to 5 (highest). Close your eyes and take an easy breath in and gently let it out 2 or 3 times. Then sit quietly for 2 to 10 minutes. Gently open your eyes, look around and “re-enter the room.” Rate yourself again and notice any changes that have taken place.

Technique #2: Positive Self Talk

It is also important to understand how we get ourselves worked up and agitated. Often times it is caused by what we say to ourselves and the dialogues in our heads; although we may not even be aware of them. The three questions below are designed to give you a good idea of what you are telling yourself. How you respond can help you to identify the messages you are sending yourself.

1. What do you say to yourself when you think about your partner?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

2. What do you say to yourself when you actually see him/her? (Think of the last time

you actually saw your partner).

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

3. What feelings are triggered when you think about meeting with you partner; frustration,

anger, futility, powerlessness?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Most likely you have responded with very negative and angry answers. Your goal now is to change the messages in your head, which will automatically change your attitude and how you approach your partner. This change will give you the best chance to start the ball rolling in a more positive direction. This next technique is designed to further explore these negative messages and how to change them into more positive statements and thinking. I call it “Positive Self Talk.”

The chart below provides you with some examples of “negative talk” and alternative positive statements for you to use instead:

Current Negative Self Talk	Alternative Positive Self Talk

“Larry is not going to listen to me.”

“I’m having a hard time talking to Larry.”

“I’m worried about his response.”

“I understand that Larry’s frustrated dealing with me.”

“She just doesn’t get it.”

“She is seeing things from a different perspective than I am.

“I’m frustrated, but so is she.”

“She must really feel like I did something to her.”

“How can I understand why she doesn’t get it; she’s bright, so what am I missing?”

Now take the responses to the questions you answered above and complete the chart below. Explore new statements you can say to yourself that are more positive and will help to move you away from the negative self talk.

Your Current Negative Self Talk	Alternative Positive Self Talk

Positive Motivation

There are difficult times ahead. As much as you may want the relationship to work out there will be times when you get frustrated, upset, angry, or overwhelmed. During these difficult times it will be important for you to find a reason to hang in there. Self help books and even therapists for that matter can get lost in the negative aspects of relationships.

What we really need to do is not only correct what is wrong, but remember the good times as well. Research has found that the more motivated we are the more we tend to stick with a task. It follows then, that the more committed you are to finding a solution the more likely you are to find one. So to be successful it is important to maintain a high level of motivation and not get discouraged or give up. It is best to start with the assumption that your first efforts may not be received well. After all, it has taken a while for things to get so negative that your partner wants to end the relationship.

This section is designed to help you stay focused and motivated. Following the steps outlined here will provide you with self reinforcement and generate the energy necessary to continue your journey towards building a new relationship. A great way to start is by focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship.

List the things that you like about your partner.

1.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Another Positive Exercise

Choose to remember and focus on one of the following: a) any positive experience you have shared with your partner or b) a situation that involved some disagreement with your partner but managed to turn out positively.

NOTE: There are two things that can significantly strengthen a relationship.

Having a conflict but resolving it in a way that leaves both partners feeling understood and that ideas, needs, and feelings have been accepted.

Going through a crisis together in a positive way. (i.e. financial issues, death of a parent/child, etc.).

Find yourself a comfortable chair and think about the experience by going through the questions below. You might put on some music if that helps you get comfortable; whatever it takes for you to be in the right frame of mind. This experience should take at least 5 minutes. Don’t rush it. Once you have really captured “the movie” in your head, touch the tips of your ring finger and thumb together to reinforce the experience. Repeat this with a second positive experience at another time. It is helpful to have two positive experiences “anchored” so that you can call them up as needed.

1) Describe the experience you remembered. What did this experience look like?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

2) Describe the conversation between you and your partner. What was the tone; what

words were used?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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3) During the exercise what did you say to yourself; what words did you use?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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4) During the exercise what did the temperature of the room feel like?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5) During the exercise did you notice any smells? Yes, you read that right. Aromas are very powerful memory triggers.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6) During the exercise how did your body feel; tense, energized, relaxed etc.?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

7) During the exercise what emotions were you having? Recapture them as best you

can.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________________

By completing these exercises you have started to take a deeper look at yourself. Next, you will begin examining the quality of your relationship with your partner. Anger is usually overwhelmingly present in relationship and must be addressed. The next chapter will help you understand anger and how it is affecting your relationship.

Chapter 4

Understanding Anger and Relationships

What Is Anger?

Having been a marriage/relationship counselor for over thirty years I have seen hundreds of angry people in my office. My experience has enabled me to understand that in reality, anger is the aggressive response caused when someone feels helpless and disregarded. To prove this, think of a time when you felt angry. Now imagine that you were feeling in control and that your thoughts and perspectives influenced the situation. How angry are you feeling when you think about being in control of the situation? My clients’ expressions always soften and in a more gentle voice they say, “I’m not angry at all.”

When people do not feel in control or empowered they respond in one of three ways:

1. They get angry or enraged (aggressive response).

2. They get depressed (withdrawal response).

3. They first get angry, then regretful and then depressed (aggressive-withdraw response).

Anger takes a great deal of inner energy and distances us from other people. In fact, excessive anger often results in the loss of friends, spouses, children and employment. In working towards rebuilding a relationship it is necessary to deal with this potentially destructive emotion. To start understanding your anger, take this quick test:

What do you think is the best way to handle anger?

1. Get even with that son-of-a-gun.

2. Forgive the person who you are angry with.

3. Ignore the situation and/or the anger.

The correct answer is “none of the above.” Instead, it would be beneficial to try this alternate four step method for dealing with your anger:

1. On a scale of one to five, rate how angry with your partner you are feeling at this time.One, being mildly annoyed (your friend was ten minutes late for meeting you to go shopping) and five, being furious (ready to physically attack someone).

2 Now think about a situation between you and your partner that angered you and imagine walking away from the situation to calm yourself. Too often we want to go after the person or situation that is angering us. While we may feel that is a useful outlet at the time, it really only reinforces the negative feelings.

3. Examine the origin of your anger. What made you feel powerless, out of control and angry in the first place? I believe that anger is really powerlessness turned outward. Now imagine that you have complete control of the situation. What happens to your anger? My guess is that it has either significantly diminished or just gone away.

4. Develop a plan that will enable you to regain control the next time you and your

partner “get into a battle” (do this for 20 to 30 minutes after doing steps 1 and 2).

While these four basic steps are straight forward, they are not easy to do. Some suggestions to help you through these four steps:

Ask a friend for help with steps 3 and 4.
Write out some of your thoughts when going through steps 3 and 4.
If you were not able to reduce some of your anger or come up with a new plan to regain control, let some time go by and try this exercise in a day or two. This may help to diffuse the anger.

If these things don’t work the way you would like them to, some professional help might be warranted. You might speak with your minister or physician. Also, you may wish to contact me directly, since someone with expertise in this area is often able to identify issues more easily.

Understanding Your Partner’s “Anger Themes”

It is also important to understand what is causing your partner’s anger. I am not referring here to specific situations, but overall themes. Identifying them is an important step and will enable you to understand why he may be seemingly angry at everything. Here are some examples of themes that can cause anger. Do you recognize any of these as possibly causing your partner’s anger?

Not feeling loved, listened to, accepted or cared about.
Feeling ignored, bullied, taken for granted, belittled.

Below, list your partner’s anger themes.

1.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

3.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Handling your Partner’s Anger

There are several basic rules on how to deal with your partner’s anger:

Don’t argue with your partner about his feelings.
Listen to what your partner has to say. People feel better if they get things off or their chests and feel that someone is listening and acknowledging their feelings.
Really listen to what is making your partner angry and try to identify anger themes.
Don’t patronize your partner.

The way in which a couple deals with anger and conflict significantly impacts their relationship. Often, they do not know how to successfully disagree or even argue and the end result is eventually disastrous. This chapter has hopefully increased your understanding of anger and given you some tools to start examining your own and your partner’s anger themes.

Chapter 5 Where Your Relationship Stands

This section has several exercises for you to complete that will give you some insight into where your relationship stands right now. They are designed to help you explore and understand the different aspects of your relationship. You will often be asked to complete an exercise for yourself and then as you believe your partner would respond. Thinking about your partner’s responses will help you focus on how your partner feels. People are often so wrapped up in their own feelings that it is difficult for them to see their partner’s perspective; a necessary ingredient in successful relationships.

The Relationship Satisfaction Scale and the exercise following it are excellent tools for assessing your progress as you go through the manual and repair process. Fill them out each week to determine whether there have been any changes in your relationship.

Relationship Satisfaction Scale (RSS)

Rate Yourself

Read the statements for each item and place an “X” on the line that best describes how you are feeling now. You may wish to make extra blank copies before starting so you can use this exercise to evaluate your progress.

Date ______________

I do not feel heard

and understood by

my partner.

I feel heard and understood by my partner.

1——————————3—————————-5

I feel respected by my partner.

I do not feel respected by my partner.

1——————————-3—————————-5

I like my spouse.

I do not like my spouse.

1——————————-3—————————-5

We deal with issues

well.

We do not deal with issues well.

1——————————3—————————–5

The relationship is right for me.

There is something missing in the relationship.

1——————————-3——————————5

Relationship Satisfaction Scale (RSS)

Rate Your Partner

Read the statements for each item and place an “X” on the line that best describes how you think you partner would respond. You may wish to make extra blank copies before starting so you can use this exercise to evaluate your progress.

Date ______________

I do not feel heard

and understood by

my partner.

I feel heard and understood by my partner.

1——————————3—————————-5

I feel respected by my partner.

I do not feel respected by my partner.

1——————————-3—————————-5

I like my spouse.

I do not like my spouse.

1——————————-3—————————-5

We deal with issues

well.

We do not deal with issues well.

1——————————3—————————–5

The relationship is right for me.

There is something missing in the relationship.

1——————————-3——————————5

Progress made this week (rate yourself each week)_______________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Here is another exercise that can give you further insight into how you are feeling about your partner and your relationship.

Read the statements below and circle the one that best fits how you feel.

	Strongly Agree	Somewhat Agree	Don’t Know	Somewhat Disagree	Strongly Disagree
Knowing what I know now, I would have a relationship with my partner.	1	2	3	4	5
I like my partner.	1	2	3	4	5
I trust my partner.	1	2	3	4	5
I seek out my partner’s opinion.	1	2	3	4	5
I am ready to do what it takes to change.	1	2	3	4	5
ADD ALL FOR TOTAL ___________

Circle the one that best fits how you think your partner would answer.

	Strongly Agree	Somewhat Agree	Don’t Know	Somewhat Disagree	Strongly Disagree
Knowing what I know now, I would have a relationship with my partner.	1	2	3	4	5
I like my partner.	1	2	3	4	5
I trust my partner.	1	2	3	4	5
I seek out my partner’s opinion.	1	2	3	4	5
I am ready to do what it takes to change.	1	2	3	4	5
ADD ALL FOR TOTAL ___________

If your score was 17 or higher – this material will be interesting to you.

If your score was from 12 – 16 using this information couldn’t hurt.

If your score was from 8 – 15 pay close attention as you may be headed for disaster.

If your score is 7 or less you are in trouble.

When you have completed using (not just reading) this manual, let’s see if your score has improved.

Qualities of a Good Relationship

While your ultimate goal is to “fix” the relationship, you first need to define the qualities of a “good relationship” so you know what you are working toward. Many people have never really taken the time to think about the qualities they would like in a relationship.

Take a few minutes to write down the kind of partnership you would like and the qualities that are important to you.

____________________________ _________________________

The Qualities of a Good Relationship Scale below identifies specific qualities I believe make up a good relationship. Take a look at them and compare them to your list. Add any additional ones from your list in the spaces provided. Rate how important each quality is to you on a scale of 1 (not at all important) to 5 (very important). Do not rate the satisfaction you are feeling in each area; but how important each quality is to you. Complete it for yourself and then as if your partner was filling it out.

Qualities of Good Relationship	How Important to Me	How Important to My Partner
Open lines of communication
Feeling supported
Bringing valuable insights
Balancing personal welfare & the relationship’s welfare
Trustworthy
Personally resilient
Bringing optimism to the table
Flexibility
Caring
Setting positive tone for the relationship

I Just Want To Be Happy: Discovering What You Want From Your Relationship

When counseling couples, the issue of “being happy” often comes up. Take for example, the couple Carol and Armand, where I asked Carol (the “out partner”), “What do you want from your relationship? Carol answered “I just want to be happy.” That is a wonderful goal, but Armand needs more feedback in order to do his part in working on the relationship. Carol needs to specifically identify what being happy means to her. Does being happy mean a phone call to her in the middle of the day? Does it mean doing the housework? Does it mean more romance? This exercise is designed to focus on what “being happy” means to your partner.

List 4 things that you believe would make your partner happy. It would be best if you could list them, but the next best thing would be asking. Remember though, your partner may become exasperated and respond with, “Haven’t you been listening? I’ve been telling for years!” So be careful about asking this question. You may even try asking one of your partner’s friends.

A note of caution: don’t involve too many people in your relationship. Also, be careful who you talk to. Select someone sympathetic who can be a sounding board but not a go between. While it is understandable to want a second perspective, it is not wise to use friends or family as negotiators. Leave that task to a professional counselor.

1._____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

One of the basic problems in a relationship is that partners don’t really know each other. This often happens because one (maybe even both) of you does not share or discuss your thoughts and feelings. The Positive Partner Awareness Inventory gives you an opportunity to examine how tuned in you are to your partners’ likes and dislikes.

People keep to themselves for many reasons. During childhood they may have been taught that it is inappropriate or dangerous to let others know what they are thinking. Perhaps just by nature they are “private,” which is usually more the case with men than women. Women have learned to express their feelings and men have been taught that it’s “cool” to be strong and silent. One of the most unfortunate results of being “private” is that early on in a relationship one partner gets the message that the other person doesn’t care. Also, some people think it just seems safer and less rejecting not to let their partners know what they are thinking.

On the other hand, partners may have been speaking to each other but not actually listening. During counseling I often hear, “He kept saying he was unhappy, but I didn’t think he was serious;” or “I’ve been saying for years that I feel lonely and he has been ignoring me and doesn’t seem to care.”

Even though I was trained as a psychologist and marriage counselor, I do not want to not spend time thinking about why your partner didn’t communicate with you or why you didn’t hear her. That’s water under the bridge. Too often people spend time analyzing “why” and then when they figure out those answers (whether they are accurate or not is irrelevant) they tell their partners what they have figured out. Unfortunately, the response back usually further distances the couple. So, the place to start is by thinking about what you can do from where you are right now.

Positive Partner Awareness Inventory

The purpose of this exercise is to help you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and discover how “tuned in” you are to your partner.

1. My partner is happiest when _______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

2. My partner’s favorite song is

_______________________________________________________________________

3. My partner is most influenced by _______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

4. My partner likes it most when I ________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

5. A positive memory that my partner has of us together

________________________________________________________________________

6. A special thing that I did for my partner is ________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

7. I tell my partner that I am proud of him/her: daily, weekly, monthly, I can’t remember

________________________________________________________________________

8. I tell my partner that I care for him/her: daily, weekly, monthly, I can’t remember

________________________________________________________________________

I touch my partner in an affectionate way (non-sexual): daily, weekly, monthly, I

can’t remember.

________________________________________________________________________

10. I give my partner a positive sexual experience (according to what they like): often occasionally, rarely, never

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Your Partner’s Stress Level

An important aspect of healing your relationship is your ability to identify, empathize and be sensitive to your partner’s stress level.

List 2 things that your partner is feeling stressed about regarding you and your relationship.

________________________________________________________________________

List 2 things that your partner is stressed about regarding his/her life overall.

Friendship

Friendship is the foundation and core of a strong relationship. Now I’d like you to think about your friendship with your partner.

1) What are the qualities of a good friend? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2) How good a friend are you with your partner?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3) How good a friend were you with your partner?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4) When did the friendship start to go wrong?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5) What do you think caused the deterioration of your friendship?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6) What role did you play?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

7) Given 20/20 hindsight, what else could you have done?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Discovering Why Your Partner Wants “Out of the Relationship”

This next exercise will help you identify why your spouse does not want to stay in the relationship. Before starting, it will help to understand that there are seven basic negative behaviors that experts believe destroy relationships:

1. Criticism – Relationships thrive on acceptance and approval. A spouse who feels like she can’t do anything right will eventually just stop trying.

2. Contempt – Love and positive feelings are severely injured when one partner believes that the other is being patronizing and disrespectful.

3. Overly demanding – No one likes to be bossed around. After a period of time the demands just get to be too much.

4. Focusing on factors other than your partner – This often happens when one spouse becomes so involved with the children or work that there is no time for each other. The hurt partner’s thinking may go like this: “If you care about/ love me why don’t you want to be with me?”

5. Non responsiveness – When one partner feels that the other isn’t listening or doesn’t care, the fabric of the relationship begins to wear and tear.

6. Being smothered – The other side of non- responsiveness is not having any personal space.

Addictions – If one partner is addicted to the internet, alcohol, drugs, etc., the other partner feels neglected and a distant second choice to the addiction.

Things That Hurt My Partner

Using the above negative qualities as a guideline, list five things that you believe hurt or upset your partner about you and the relationship. Don’t worry if you can’t come up with 5 things; just do the best you can. If you have more than five things list them all.

When you do this exercise it is important not to put yourself down, as this exercise should be done in the spirit of discovery and not self criticism. This is an important section because it will give you some insight about mistakes you may have made and how to avoid them in the future. Regardless of how the relationship turns out you will learn some valuable lessons to help you avoid repeating history.

________________________________________________________________________

2._________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

5.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Strategy’s for Dealing with the Things That Hurt My Partner

1 Try asking your partner what is important to her in the relationship and what she would like to see change. Don’t argue, just listen. You may even want to take notes.

2. Ask friends for their insights about how you can improve your relationship or what you should stop doing that is hurting the relationship. The warning here is not to engage them in the problems, just ask for their insights. Remember, don’t argue or justify here either, just listen and be open to the information.

3. Talk to a professional marriage counselor on your own.

4. If you have difficulty with this exercise you can give me a call and we can figure it out together (for an additional fee).

Completing the previous exercises in this chapter provided you with an opportunity to recognize and think about what has contributed to the deterioration of your relationship. What you now need to do is identify ways to demonstrate that you are making efforts to change your behavior and interactions with your partner. This is much more important than telling your partner what you have learned, because one action is better than 1000 words and several actions can change a relationship.

Chapter 6
Changing Your Behavior

Making changes in your own behavior is key to rebuilding your relationship. You cannot force someone else to change, but you can alter your own behavior. Now that you have spent some time gaining insight into yourself and your relationship, it’s time to identify several changes in your behavior that you would like to focus on. But first, you need to know what positive behaviors are demonstrated in healthy relationships. You can then use these as a guideline to complete the exercise below.

Goals for a Healthy Relationship

1. Trust, respect & safety

Partners must be able to trust and feel safe with one another. This is a basic building block of any relationship. It is for this reason that infidelity is such a blow to any relationship. One aspect of trust is being confident that your partner will be there when you need him to be. Crises such as illness or death offer a tremendous opportunity for a relationship to grow. When one partner “sticks by” the other through a crisis and is emotionally supportive, the experience provides a profoundly positive memory. Your partner feels safe and protected and that you will be there “when the chips are down.”

Both partners in the relationship must also trust that the other will respect and honor personal feelings and opinions. This doesn’t mean that one person always gives in, but that partners acknowledge each other’s point of view.

2. Fighting fairly

Partners have to learn to argue, but not verbally attack each other. They need to know when to walk away from an argument; when there is more heat than light. Sometimes, it is best to agree to disagree.

3. Interest in the other partner

Partners need to take an interest in each other’s activities, hobbies and even work. This does not mean that they need to be over-involved with these things, but talk about them and show an interest.

4. Non-sexual touch

Men often interpret touch as an invitation for a sexual encounter. Being physically touched however, as long as the other person is receptive, can communicate a sense of connection on a completely different level than words.

5. Showing appreciation

It is important to communicate appreciation when someone does something positive, kind, thoughtful, etc. This can be a little tricky, as it is necessary to find the balance between the cursory “thank you” and the overly effusive response.

6. A sense of humor

While a sense of humor is crucial to a relationship, it is important to recognize that both people have to think something is funny or amusing for it to have a positive impact. A joke is not a joke when it is at someone else’s expense, especially a significant other.

List 3 changes you would like to make in your relationship and the new behaviors you will demonstrate to show that you are sincere in wanting to change things. If you get stuck on trying to come up with specific changes, try asking your partner. Find a non-stressed time and ask your partner: “If you could change anything about me or the relationship what would it be?”

1. _____________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

2. _____________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

3. _____________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 7

Strategies for Rescuing Your Relationship

As I have said before, successfully repairing and rebuilding your relationship not only requires insight into yourself and your relationship, but changes in your behavior as well. Of course, that is not an easy thing to do. The remaining chapters of the manual offer ways to improve your relationship and various strategies and exercises to help you change the way you respond to your partner.

Strategy #1: Developing Trust

Developing trust is most important because when there is no trust between partners, the relationship falls apart. Since it is very likely that trust on some level has deteriorated in your relationship, the exercises below will guide you in re-establishing that trust. What can be tricky about trust is that it means different things to different people, so it is important that you and your partner each establish definitions of trust.

A beginning exercise is to write down what trust means to you and then what you think it means to your partner.

Your definition of trust:

_______________________________________________________________________

What do you think is your partner’s definition of trust?

_______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

Below is a list of many of the trust issues that couples deal with in their relationships. This next exercise will help you examine how much trust exists between you and your partner. It will also help you identify the areas where the issue of trust must be addressed.

Complete the next exercise first for yourself and then as you think your partner would have filled it out. I encourage you to also add your own areas of trust you believe are important in a relationship.

Your Trust Concerns

I trust that my partner will:

	Strongly Agree	Somewhat Agree	Don’t Know	Somewhat Disagree	Strongly Disagree
be there when I need him/her	1	2	3	4	5
be honest with me	1	2	3	4	5
be sensitive to my emotional needs	1	2	3	4	5
make good decisions on small issues

(you decide what constitutes small, medium and large issues)

make good decisions on medium issues

make good decisions on big issues

make good decisions about our money

be helpful

follow-through

I trust that my partner will not:

	Strongly Agree	Somewhat Agree	Don’t Know	Somewhat Disagree	Strongly Disagree
over react	1	2	3	4	5
tell my secrets to anyone else	1	2	3	4	5
abandon me if the going gets tough	1	2	3	4	5
abandon me if he gets angry at me	1	2	3	4	5
embarrass me	1	2	3	4	5

Complete this section as you think your partner would complete it if he/she were evaluating you.

My partner trusts that I will:

	Strongly Agree	Somewhat Agree	Don’t Know	Somewhat Disagree	Strongly Disagree
be there when he/she needs me	1	2	3	4	5
be honest with him/her	1	2	3	4	5
be sensitive to his/her emotional needs	1	2	3	4	5
make good decisions on small issues

(you decide what constitutes small, medium and large issues)

make good decisions on medium issues

make good decisions on big issues

make good decisions about our money

be helpful

follow-through

My partner trusts that I will not:

	Strongly Agree	Somewhat Agree	Don’t Know	Somewhat Disagree	Strongly Disagree
over react	1	2	3	4	5
tell his/her secrets to anyone else	1	2	3	4	5
abandon him/her if the going gets tough	1	2	3	4	5
abandon him/her if I get angry at him/her	1	2	3	4	5
embarrass him/her	1	2	3	4	5

Write down a trust issue that you believe is of concern between you and your spouse.

When partners are struggling because the original trust they had between each other is lost, the work to repair it can be difficult. The discussion below outlines seven strategies that if followed, can help to reestablish that trust.

Re-establishing Trust

1. Spend time together.

Building trust in a relationship requires time and contact with someone; you can’t trust someone you don’t know. When you and your partner first met you probably spent a great deal of time together and frequently thought about each other when you were apart. Eventually though, everyday life takes over and time is spent focusing on jobs, careers, children and hobbies. Since there was some personal connection that initially drew you together, it is important to rekindle your relationship.

There is no substitute for sharing interests and enjoying activities together. Familiarity strengthens emotional connection and you want your partner to associate being with you as a positive experience. Spending time together and enjoying yourselves gives you the opportunity to talk about things that are important, to resolve issues important to the relationship, and to give or get emotional support for problems the two of you are facing in the outside world.

2. Use positive self talk.

When you see your partner use self talk to put you into a frame of mind where you are glad to see her. Say something positive about your partner to yourself or remember a time when you were glad to see her. Being glad to see your partner will go a long way in getting her to feel good about seeing you.

3. Admit personal weakness

People tend to trust us when we let them see our vulnerability. One powerful way to develop closeness with your partner is to let her know what is on your mind, what is worrying you and how you feel inadequate or guilty.

4. Share a mistake that you haven’t corrected or some issue you are still working on or need to address. This demonstrates that you don’t think you are always right and your partner is always wrong.

5. Acknowledge your partner for something she did or said that you appreciate. Acknowledging positive behavior and communicating your appreciation will go a long way in building up trust.

6. Look for and acknowledge in a genuine way, some struggle that your partner is going through. The challenge here is not to over do it. One or two short statements and then move on. For example, in this statement, Susan recognizes that Eric is struggling with an issue and communicates that to him: “Eric I really appreciate that you haven’t given up on getting our finances in order; I know you are under a lot of pressure and in spite of that, you are making an effort to resolve the problem.”

7. Empathy

Let your partner know you identify with a situation she is struggling with by telling her about your own experience in a similar situation. For example, if your partner has lost motivation because her sister has become ill you could say, “I remember when my sister got sick. I was very close to her, worried that she was going to die and didn’t feel like doing anything.” A note of caution here; be careful not to talk too much about yourself as this is about your partner – not you.

Strategy #2 – Getting Your Partner to Like You

One of the basic rules of a good partnership is to never say anything that makes your partner feel devalued. Look for things to say and do that make her feel appreciated; catch her doing something right and tell her. Below are several ways you can start getting your partner to like you again.

1. Think about how often you talk with your partner. How much of that time is in positive pleasurable discussion? How much is about problems or disasters? If every time you meet it is to discuss a “problem,” after awhile you will find yourself thinking even before getting together, “Oh darn, here comes another problem.” While this association may not be conscious, you can bet that it is present. To prevent this from happening find ways to have a positive experience with your partner (this is called a positive anchor).

2. Find positive things to say to your partner. Cautionary note: Some people don’t trust positive statements because they think you are trying to manipulate them or they are uncomfortable with praise. Notice if your partner’s response to your efforts are positive. If your partner doesn’t take well to positive statements; stop. The key here is to notice your partner’s reactions to what you are saying and then respond accordingly; continue if the response is positive but stop if you are met with negativity or skepticism.

3. Think about your partner’s positive qualities and remind yourself of what you like about her. It’s easy to get caught up in being frustrated and forget about the good stuff.

4. Don’t be in a hurry when you interact with your spouse. For example, if your

wife calls you at work try not to sound short and rushed. This gives the message I’m squeezing you in; you are not worth my time and full attention.

5. Do small random acts of kindness. Intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful type of reconditioning approach.

Strategy #3 – Replay Technique; Healing Old Wounds

For people to truly forgive they must believe that future actions and attitudes will be different. They want emotional insurance that if they forgive this time they won’t be hurt again. In order to get your partner to believe you, it is important that you develop new understandings and behaviors. You must have a clear idea of how to say and do things differently. The replay technique will offer you a new way to approach your partner and make her feel there is hope for the relationship and that you are really prepared to work at making things right.

In going through this next exercise you will rehearse, rethink and refine your understanding of what you can do to change the way you previously approached a situation or conversation. As you identify issues or situations that have been a problem in your relationship, also think about what you would do differently if the same situation or conversation happened again. As you consider other ways you could have handled each issue, the new approach should satisfy four criteria:

Identify something you would do or say differently.

Don’t expect your partner to do something differently; that will only re-ignite the fire of the fight. At this stage your partner has to see changes coming from you. In the future, after you have rekindled your connection, it will be important to make sure that change is on both sides.

Identify exactly what it is that really upsets your partner.

Spend some time exploring what specific actions or words angered or hurt your partner and communicate that to him. You might say something like: “I know that I shouldn’t have yelled at you in front of our friends because it embarrassed you and you would not have treated me that way.

3. Identify an insight you have about what motivated you to behave a certain way.

Rather than making excuses for your behavior or expecting your partner to figure out why, think about what was going on with you that impacted your behavior. It also helps to communicate this insight in a way that demonstrates your understanding and does not blame; “I was cranky and irritable because I was tired and wasn’t thinking clearly,” rather than “You know I am tired by Friday evenings, so of course I was cranky.”

4. Suggest a plan to deal with the situation if it happens again.

You may say to your partner: “I have to be more aware of when I’m tired.” or “When we are out and I am struggling to stay awake, I’ll ask if we can leave soon.”

List three issues or situations that have caused difficulties in your relationship. Describe your conversations and behaviors at the time of the conflict. Keeping the above criteria in mind, identify a possible new approach for each one.

How you dealt with problem situation/issue	New approach for dealing with problem situation/issue

After you have thought through a different approach that satisfies the above four criteria, replay the original conflict situation in your head but substitute your new response or approach. This exercise will give you an opportunity to rehearse and become comfortable with responding in a different way than your usual pattern. Eventually, you will want to try out your new approach on your partner. Pick a time when things are going well or the flow of communication has improved, since your partner will be in more of a receptive state of mind.

There is also an alternative method of the replay technique that you may wish to try. When you and your partner are calm and non-confrontational, share your concerns about the difficulties you are having in dealing with an issue or a situation in your relationship. The purpose of sharing is to make your partner aware that you are concerned and making an effort to improve the relationship. Often times the “in partner’s” efforts go unnoticed or positive intentions are subtle and therefore not recognized. As a result, the “out partner” doesn’t even realize that the “in partner” is at least trying to make things better. The idea here is that the “out partner” will appreciate the other’s efforts and positive intentions. This second variation is more risky and will not be effective if you have a long negative history, but it is something to bear in mind if things are beginning to go well and your partner seems receptive.

Whether you use the first or second variation of the replay strategy it is important to realize that the out partner is often looking for a reason to heal the relationship. By using a more effective strategy (in an honest and non-manipulative way) you can give her a reason to start letting down her guard and begin accepting you again.

Chapter 8

Improving Communication

In this section you will learn about:

the impact of two very important words;
ten strategies for effective communication;
the difference between what you say and what your partner hears.

Two Very important Words: “But” and “Yet”

It is important for you to be aware of the words “but” and “yet,” as these words will strongly influence communication between you and your partner.

The Bad “Buts”

Whenever you say something to your partner that is followed by a “but,” you have just negated and cancelled out what you previously said. For example, if you say to your wife, “I love you but you really are sloppy,” what she hears is “You are sloppy;” and the love part is lost. In another example, if you say, “I’m looking forward to going out tonight but I’m really tired,” your wife hears “I’m really tired” and thinks you don’t really want to go out with her.

The Good “Yet”

On the other side of the communication coin though is the wonderful word “yet.” If you use this word and really mean it, “yet” can be a powerful positive force when communicating with your partner. For example, the impact is much different if your wife asks you to listen and you respond, “I’m overwhelmed right now and not ready to listen to you “yet,” than if you say “I’m too upset and can’t listen to you.” Your “yet” statement is clearly implying that there will be a time in the future when you will be able to listen to her. The use of the word “yet” can have very positive results if you go back to your wife when feeling better and have that conversation. It is important to give her the feeling that although you are not ready to deal with the conversation or issue at that specific time, you intend to respond when you are in a different place emotionally. (Note: Phrases such as “right now” or “at this moment” can be used in place of “yet.”)

A note of caution: if you don’t follow-up on your implied promise to talk about the issue later, your partner will disregard what you say, which will further hurt the relationship. But, if you make good on your “yet” on a regular basis you will build credibility and be more likely to get emotional space the next time you need it.

If you are not ready to deal with the issue after a short period of time try telling your partner that you are still not able or ready to discuss the issue, but it is still on your mind and you will get back to her in an hour, a day or whatever time frame works for you. This approach can be very useful, but it may take some time for it to work in your relationship. Your partner needs to believe that you are sincere in needing the time to think about the issue and are not putting it off

in the hopes she will forget about it or it will go away. She will then be more likely to accept your temporary postponement of a discussion. The difficulty with this strategy occurs when one partner is too upset or unable to wait to have a conversation. If however, you are both able to successfully take this “time out” you will benefit from not forcing difficult discussions when one of you is not ready.

The “yet” message is extremely important for two reasons:

Important issues that are not addressed don’t go away and usually get worse with time. These negative issues especially tend to come up during difficult times or as ammunition during another argument.

2. By not giving your partner a time table (even though vague) she will feel dismissed, unloved and that her feelings are unimportant to you.

Ten Strategies for Good Communication

One of the biggest complaints therapists hear from the couples they counsel is, “We just don’t communicate well.” That sentence is both very telling and vague at the same time. The ten strategies below are guidelines that couples can follow to improve their communication. An important point to remember when defining “good communication” in a solid relationship is that “winning” an argument is not the goal; it is having both people feel listened to, accepted and understood.

Below are ten “rules” for improving communication in your relationship. See how many you follow and by adopting just one or two more you can be on your way to improved communication with your partner. First let’s look at a short “List of Don’ts.”

List of Don’ts ………

Don’t try and adopt all of the suggestions at once.
Don’t tell your partner: “this is a list you should follow.” Ask your partner if she is interested in “rules for communication” or print the list and leave it lying around, but don’t make the list an issue in itself.

Ten Rules to Improve Communication with Your Partner ……….

Listen to the emotions behind your partner’s words. Being right isn’t as important as being understood.

Focus on what your partner is saying rather than thinking up an answer or rebuttal.

Look at the person who is talking to you. Many people don’t feel listened to unless they are being looked at.

Use the word “I” rather that the word “you.” People tend to hear “you” in a sentence as an accusation, such as “You are yelling at me.” Compare that with “I feel yelled at” and the speaker takes ownership for the feeling and does not come across as attacking.

When you need to discuss a difficult issue be sensitive to choosing an appropriate time for the conversation.

State things simply and ask your partner if more detail is needed.

The real meaning of every communication is how it is heard and perceived, not how it is intended.

Notice your partner’s reactions – the withdrawal, attack or glassy-eyed responses.

Ask questions to learn and understand more about what your partner is saying. Be curious about what is important to your partner.

10. Be attentive to your partner’s response. Notice if you are giving too much detail. For example, if you are a detail person but your partner is not responding, then you can either ask for feedback and involvement or limit the conversation. Your partner can be turned off if she feels like she is being talked at or the conversation is going on for too long.

On the other hand, it is important to respond in some way to your partner and not go to the other extreme by saying nothing. Silence is often perceived as a negative communication and your partner will think you don’t care and that you are shutting her out.

The Difference between What You Say and What Your Partner Hears

Whenever you engage in conversation, your “intention” and the listener’s “reception” of the communication impact the mood and level of conflict that occurs. “Intention” is the message that the sender “throws out” and intends to communicate while “reception” is the way the other person “catches the ball” and interprets the message.

Let’s look at the example of Mike and Carla. For purposes of this illustration, let’s assume that Mike genuinely regrets his oversight and is concerned about its impact on their lives when he says to Carla, “I didn’t have time to get to the bank today.” Carla however, is fed up with Mike not taking any responsibility for anything related to the finances and hears Mike’s statement as a continuation of his irresponsibility. In this case the “receiver” (Carla) catches a totally different ball than what the “sender” (Mike) has thrown. The real meaning of anything said is determined by the receiver, not the sender. The meaning of a communication is actually decided by the receiver; in this case it is Carla.

Carla’s perception of Mike’s comment will drive the way she responds to his conversation and conflict is likely to arise if she misinterprets his intent. In turn, if Mike then retorts with responses that try to convince Carla she is wrong in her thinking or he focuses on being offended, unappreciated, or misunderstood, their relationship will suffer even more. Mike’s goal is to try and connect with Carla, not drive her further away. He is more likely to achieve this by using one of the strategies below to help bring him closer to Carla:

Strategy #1: Acknowledging fault and apologizing by saying something such as, “Yes, you are right, I do not take any responsibility for our finances and I am sorry.

Strategy #2: Offering a solution such as, “Next time, I will go to the bank on my lunch

hour.” It is important that Mike follow through and be sure to go to the

bank next time.

Strategy #3 Showing remorse at that moment and even have it “cost” him something. For example, Mike might say, “I’m sorry, let me do the dishes tonight.”

Strategy #4 Building in a consequence that will “cost” Mike and benefit Carla, if the same thing happens again in the future. Mike can agree that if he does not follow through in the future, he will really show how sorry he is by taking Carla out to dinner.

There are many rules to good communication. The eleven rules above provide a good starting point for couples. You may even want to “evaluate yourself” to see how many of the suggestions you follow. Having a healthy relationship means “playing by the rules.”

Chapter 9

Having Effective Meetings

Throughout this rebuilding process you will have both scheduled and spontaneous “meetings” with your partner. When these discussions are constructive and effective they will be another building block towards moving your relationship in a positive direction.

Meetings are often held for 3 reasons: 1) there is a problem; 2) someone has screwed up big time; 3) there is a family crisis. A major issue that arises when couples try to set up a “formal” meeting is finding the time to get together, especially when there are problems in the relationship. The excuse for not having a meeting is often, “We don’t have the time,” and when couples do finally have one it is because they are forced into it. Unfortunately, there is a negative association connected to meetings, especially since these meetings often end up as conflict situations with bad feelings and limited answers. So what can be done? How can we have productive meetings?

Attitude is everything. Our meetings should be about positive things happening and be a place where a sense of accomplishment takes place. When you are involved in a conflict your emotional state of mind is a vital factor; “Most wars are won or lost within our mind before we ever step out on the battlefield” wrote Lao Tsu in The Art of War. It is important therefore, to start from a calm place. But we still must understand on a gut level the other person’s point of view and origins of anger or we are likely to loose our cool.

Before the Meeting

Yogi Berra once said “You got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.” Think about the meeting before you have it. If you know you are going into a difficult or potentially explosive situation, take some time before you go into the room and imagine the other person’s perspective in your mind.

In situations like this, it is very helpful to take 5-10 minutes and write down some of what you think your partner will say during the meeting and how he is feeling; be careful not to be judgmental but descriptive. The more you focus on, listen and understand the other person’s point of view, the more open you will be to finding new ways to create a positive situation.

During the Meeting

Look for areas of similar perspectives and areas of agreement.
Deal with the smaller issues first.
Give small concessions on issues without trying to get something back immediately. This is a way of appearing reasonable and also enacts the psychological law of reciprocity. When you give without strings, the receiver often feels compelled to respond in kind.

When your partner compromises in your favor, reciprocate by compromising on another issue in your partner’s favor.

Consider and reflect on other perspectives and alternative solutions. Don’t just look to justify your own point of view but be open to alternative solutions and identify different possibilities.
If all else fails take a break and look for additional factual information by reading, going to a counselor or talking to people who have a good relationship.

Again, a word of caution when talking to others; be careful that they are not unintentionally fueling the conflict. Too often conversations with our friends end up being negative and focus only on all the things that are going wrong. To get the most out of speaking with others keep a positive attitude; ask them why they think their own relationships are successful and what they are doing to make them work.

Here are some rules to follow to have effective meetings with your partner

DO:

Stay calm.
Be respectful – relationships are all about someone feeling respected. When respect breaks down, so does the relationship.
Appear reasonable – have a meeting about what is going well and how you can build on success.
Bring a snack to the meeting. People like being given to and this shows that you went out of your way for them. They may or may not be aware of their reaction to this small gesture, but on some level there will be a positive one.
Have meetings about issues that are important to the relationship at least every 2 wks (no more than 1 hr).
Look for things to agree about.
Look for things that were done well by your partner.
Aim for a win/win result. The exchange is not successfully completed unless your partner feels as if he has received something of equal value or that his compromise is no greater than the one you made. You want to consider the question, “What can I do so my partner comes away from our discussion feeling OK about me? You haven’t “won” if your partner feels resentful and thinks that “you won” and “he lost.”

DON’T:

Focus on several areas of disagreements during the same meeting. Pick your priorities. In the beginning, it is probably best to choose topics that generate mild disagreement and are not serious in nature. This will help you get into a pattern of discussing things in a less-emotionally charged atmosphere.
Try convincing your partner that things aren’t really that bad.
Tell your partner “You just don’t understand.”
List everything your partner does that upsets you and suggest that because you accept the problems, he should do the same.

At first, you may feel that during these meetings you are spending more time placating your partner. That’s OK – consider it an investment in your relationship’s future and your peace of mind.

Conclusion

Final Thoughts for New Beginnings

This is where The Relationship Rescue Manual ends and your healthy relationship really begins. At this time, it is important for you to evaluate how insight about yourself and your relationship has grown since beginning this journey. Read the summaries of topics covered in the manual and rate each one. If you rate yourself less than a “3” re-read the section and exercises to be sure you understand the material.

	Strongly Agree	Somewhat Agree	Don’t Know	Somewhat Disagree	Strongly Disagree
I have more of an understanding about relationships in general. (Chapter 1)	1	2	3	4	5
I have learned more about myself. I am aware of my negative self talk and stress and how it is impacting my relationship (Chapter 3).	1	2	3	4	5
I understand my partner’s anger and what to do about it. (Chapter 4)	1	2	3	4	5
I am more aware of my partner’s perspective, likes & dislikes and understand why this information is important. (Chapter 5)	1	2	3	4	5
I have insight into specific areas of difficulty in my relationship. (Chapter 5)	1	2	3	4	5
I have identified specific changes that I would like to make in myself.	1	2	3	4	5
I have learned about specific strategies for improving my relationship and will be able to implement them.	1	2	3	4	5
I understand effective ways to communicate with my partner.	1	2	3	4	5
I will be able to have more effective meetings with my partner.	1	2	3	4	5

Progress Form

In going through this manual, you identified, examined and rehearsed various things you could do and say differently to improve your relationship. Now, it is time to put your new discoveries into action with your partner. The idea here is to focus on the issues with your partner and to develop a plan and a timetable. There are two parts to this exercise; Part I is to identify what negative area would you like to minimize as a couple (i.e. arguments, being too pushy, withdrawing) and Part II is what positive things would you like to accomplish (i.e. making contacts “lighter” and more fun, or being positive).

Part I

1. We would like to stop or lessen:

2. What we consider progress:

a. In one week

b. In two weeks

c. In three weeks

d. In four Weeks

Part II

1. We would like to start or increase:

2. What we consider progress:

a. In a week

b. In two weeks

c. In three weeks

d. In 4 weeks

Dr. Marty Tashman’s Background

For over thirty years he has been a therapist in private practice. He has a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

On a personal note, he has a life partner who he lives with, and has been in a successfully committed relationship for over the past 18 years. He genuinely believes that quality of life and the emotional and physical health are all profoundly influenced by the quality of the relationship you have with your partner.

He is currently working on “When Infidelity Has Happened To You And What to DoAbout It “ which is a manual for the faithfulpartner who has suffered from the trauma of infidelity.

If you are interested in finding out more information about his new

Manual “Helping Relationships And Marriages Heal From The Trauma Of Infidelity” for the unfaithful partner, please contact

Dr. Marty at (1) 888/281-5850, or you can email him at:

drmarty@comcast.net.

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