I will explain the significance of the questions asked in Blog 4 (Emotional Intelligence Part 4).

1. How often to you stop and check in with yourself about how you are feeling emotionally and physically?

Think it’s easy to identify your feelings try and find 3 words that describe how you are feeling at any given time especially if there is conflict or disappointment.

If you rated 6 or less you need work on the area of emotional intelligence of self awareness

Self awareness is important because you can use that information to put yourself in the best emotional space to use effective strategies. The more upset or tired you are the worse is your judgement and effectiveness.

2.   When I am very upset with my partner I focus on healing and balancing myself

      If you rated 6 or more you need work on the area

      of emotional intelligence of self care and emotional regulation, the more you take of your self the more likely you are to have control of your emotions. Attacking someone has never made things better in a relationship.

3.   How often do you loose your temper when there is a disagreement.

    If you rated 6 or more you need work on the area of emotional intelligence of self regulation. It is clear that the more intense the negative feelings the less effective is the communication.

4. How well do you understand your partner’s feelings

 If you rated 6 or more you need work on the area of emotional intelligence of Empathy.  When your partner feels you understand them they are far more likely to gain connection with you and you are in the best place to influence them.

5.  Do you allow the other person time to “cool down” or do you go into attack mode?

    If you rated 6 or more you need work on the area of emotional intelligence of conflict management.   Understanding your partner’s emotional need to calm down and regroup is a major step toward being empathetic even when you don’t agree.

6.  How often do you shut down and withdraw?

     If you rated 6 or more you need work on the area of emotional intelligence of effective communication.  Waiting until both of you are calm to discuss issues is a good thing; however, withdrawal makes things worse.  Issues don’t go away on their own, when ignored they usually get worse.

7. I can depend on myself and know how to take care of my self in a kind way.

   You can’t always depend on your partner to do or   say the right thing, even the best person has sensitive  subjects and bad days

 If you rated 6 or more you need work on the area of emotional intelligence of knowing how to manage conflict, which will move from arguments  to negotiation with your your partner

Even if you feel they are bad or wrong, pointing that out and then focusing on that will probably generate a defensive response that results in a counter attack or withdrawal or both behaviors. We know that people tend to respond negatively to hostility and have a better chance of coming around in an atmosphere that is calm and that feels safe. 

8.  How much do you own your part in an argument and the reason for your strong response- without trying to justify it by saying “but”?

     If you rated 6 or more you need work on the area of emotional intelligence of self awareness. Talking about what’s going on with you rather than arguing your point, is much more likely to shed light than heat.

9.   When you get upset with your partner do you allow them to speak without interrupting them?

      If you rated 6 or more you need work on the area of emotional intelligence of self regulation.

10. If you rated 6 or more you need work on the area of emotional intelligence of understanding, not  necessary, agreeing with them. The emotional skill is empathy, often times the more understanding we give the more understanding we get.

Conclusion

The work of relationship, couples, & Marriage Counseling is to help you to learn and use the many strategies available to improve your emotional intelligence and to help you heal and strengthen your relationship.

EI is essential tp having a happy and satisfying relationship

The emotionally intelligent person asks themselves: Is the argument more important than the relationship?