Your Marriage Counselor

Therapy to Determine Whether to Stay or Go : Discernment Therapy and Relationship Rescue Therapy (Part I)

 To stay or go that is the question.  Dr. William Doherty a well respected marriage therapist,  has developed a therapy he has called Discernment Therapy. He has designed this work to help couples that are on the brink of divorce to decide whether or not to divorce.  One of the biggest reasons that counseling fails is that couples wait too long to come for counseling. 

 Discernment Counseling and other couples counseling approaches will have a higher success rate as they to get to the problems before   resentments builds and the relationship develops on over load of negative history. 

 Another wonderful reference for help is Contemplating Divorce: Whether to Stay or Go.   By Susan Pease Gadoua. (If you would like more information about this book you can go to my blogs on December 14, 15, and 16 2011.)

 When I do what I call Relationship Rescue Counseling * and what I believe Dr. Doherty does in his Discernment Therapy is focused on dealing with counseling when one member of the couple has one foot out the door.  In these approaches, to determine if a couple should work on being together or divorcing  it is necessary to have a structure that focuses on helping the couple develop anger management as well improved communication skills.  It is also important to learn how to negotiate as well as how to problem solve.

 If at all possible and appropriate, I believe couples should be helped to stay together, they have a “love history”, often they have children, and divorce reeks havoc with finances and most importantly often times the same problems come up again in future relationships. Folks can purchase my Relationship Rescue Manual, on the site, which will help them to figure out how to move forward in their relationship.

Negotiation for Couples“ another book that can be purchased can also be of help in learning how to successful deal with different priorities and perspectives.

Happiness – What Is It and How Do We Increase It?  (Part II)

 In this blog I will list 3 more areas that I believe go into making us happy. See what you think.

 For a person to be happy they also need to appreciate the present, often times we get so lost in the past or so busy planning for the future, that we forget to savor the present.

People who are happy need to see the positive side of the universe.   I think that many of us myself included; have to retrain ourselves to react to our natural inclination to be doubtful or even negative.  I believe in the idea of learned optimism.  

 Happy people behave in a way that gives some control over their life. Though folks have situations that are not directly in their control, they can control their perceptions and their reactions.  For example we may be unhappy in our relationship, but tell are selves there is nothing we can do.  The truth is there are many things we can do, but they may be difficult or even scary.  We tell ourselves that we are trapped in our jobs.  There are many strategies we can use to deal with difficult jobs ranging from getting additional training (education) to looking for another positions, to redefining our current job, to upgrading our skills in our present situation, again this is not easy but “doable”.

 There are still a number of other things that will positively contribute to us being happy.  I am giving you a few at time so you can think about them.  The key to being happy is to realize all that is involved in creating a happy life and then, as in these blogs, to break them down to digestible bites

Happiness – What Is It and How Do We Increase It?  (Part I)

 In my next blog series I will discuss the area of happiness.

 As a therapist I often hear is “All I want is to be happy” On the face of it that seems like a simple and reasonable thing to ask for, but with some thought, a person realizes that is a complicated request.  It is a goal that takes a lot of work.  No one is just happy. Being happy is an ongoing job.

 I believe that happiness has several elements. In the next blog entries I will talk about what is involved in answering that request.  I list a total of 14 areas that are important to being happy.  Take a look at these and see how many you have thought of and then think about how well you would rate yourself in each of these areas.  

 Happiness varies in human beings.  It is also not an absolute or a constant; it is possible to be a little happy or ecstatic.  By understanding exactly what happiness is you can raise your potential to increase your happiness.  In this blog, I will give the reader three important areas that need to be addressed if we are to be happy.

The first area is Work. Though people can be happy with their life work is still a very important part of finding joy in our lives. In my last blog, I wrote about what makes people happy at work.  We spend so much time at our job and we often feel under paid and under appreciated.   I believe it is hard to be happy unless to some degree you enjoy what you do.  

Another part of being happy is knowing yourself. Taking responsibilities for your vulnerabilities and accepting your limitations.  If you recognize your vulnerabilities and limitations you can accept them or you can work at getting past them.   Lack of awareness or denial can make us very unhappy.  If we passively wait for the world or others to make us feel good we are at the mercy of fate.  Though we can’t control everything we can give ourselves the best chance of creating a happy life  by self acceptance.  Happiness is figuring out your strengths and weaknesses and then building on what you are good at and compensating for your limitations.

To be happy, you have to have a purpose, something that is important for you to strive for.  That something needs to be within your reach but that takes significant effort on your part to accomplish.  That purpose can revolve your family, your work, a project that is important to you, or a spiritual pursuit.

In my next blog,  I will list additional areas that I believe are essential to having a happy life.

Criteria for Job Satisfaction

 In these times people are often happy just having a job; however, at some point, feeling good about your work is really important.  Many folks identify with what they do and most of us spend a lot of time at our work.  It is very helpful for our state of mind to have a job, career, or profession that we like.  Below are five criteria that are essential for folks to have, if they are going to feel a sense of satisfaction.  When you have these things the chances are you will look forward to, rather than dreading each day.

1. Autonomy – We need feel that someone is not looking over our shoulder.  It is important for people to feel like their judgment is trusted.

2. Accomplishment – Human beings need to feel like at least parts of their work has a beginning, middle and a sense of completion

3.  Purpose – the more meaning we can find in our work 

     the more we feel good about what we are doing.

4. Challenge – People need to feel that what they are doing is not too easy because then they get bored or to difficult because then they stop trying to accomplish their task.

5. Appreciation – Who of us doesn’t look to get acknowledgement.  There are three levels oapproval that we may look for:  The people weserve (i.e. clients, customers, or patients), peers, and bosses.

So how does your work score on these five criteria?  If you would like help figuring out how to raise your score in these five areas we might talk. 

Give me a call (732)246-8484 if you would like to improve the satisfaction that you get from your work.

This blog entry is for former clients.

$25 Thank You or Free Downloaded Book

I would very much like to know how things are going with your relationship after we have completed our counseling together, so ……. if you send me an email 4 months after we have ended our work together, letting me know how things are going, I will discount $25 off of (1) future session, or if you send me an email to let me know how you are doing and send me a  referral, I will take $25 off a future session, or if you prefer, I will send you anyone you choose one of my downloadable books:

 *Relationship Rescue Manual

* Dealing with Infidelity (for the unfaithful partner)

*  Dealing with Infidelity (for the faithful partner) Note: I am currently working on this manual and it should be done by next month

* Negotiation Handbook for Couples.  (This is my favorite one if things are going well.)

 I really would look forward to knowing how things are going in your relationship.

My best,

Dr. Marty

Tips from The Essential Guide To A Lasting Marriage/Relationship.  (Part II)

Please note that I have continued the numbers from my last entry so the first number here is #5

Important behaviors to strengthen a relationship (5 – 9)

5.  Be curious about your partner’s  life.    Curiosity is related to being interested and caring about our partner.

6. Your partner being curious about your life    Same as #5

7. Having meaningful conversations

There are so many things of importance that happen in the world and in our lives, couples need to share their feelings and thoughts with one another.  They need to have talks about their future, their fears and their pain.

 8. Having “fun” conversations – The couple that laughs together stays together Life can be serious, but there has to be times  where you make each other smile and even laugh.     This is a behavior that I have added and does not  appear in the book.

 9. Talking, texting, or e-mail my partner on a daily basis.

I have had couples tell me they away on a trip or they were very busy and didn’t have a chance to talk with each other.  People feel disconnected if they don’t take the extra effort to reach out to their partner no matter what.  Texting and email are technology tools that help us in this regard.  If you think back to when you first met your partner, it’s highly probable, that you both made the effort to connect on a regular, basis regardless of what else was going on.  There are always reasons why you can’t talk, but in the end if you haven’t talked and have taken a step away from each other. 

The nine things mentioned in my last two blogs are small things that can make a big difference.  Take an honest look at what’s going on in your relationship and see if there is “a little something” that can be done to make sure you get to have a happy future with your partner.

Tips from The Essential Guide To A Lasting Marriage/Relationship.

It’s been awhile since I’ve shared some “tips” with couples about maintaining a strong relationship. In my book, “The Essential Guide To A Lasting Marriage’, I give eight behaviors to be practice to have a strong relationship.  If you like you can rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 to see how many of these behaviors you rate well in (5) and what areas you might need to work on.

I will give you 9 tips in the next two blogs. I find that focusing on a few things at time is more helpful than trying to deal with too many behaviors.

Also I did not include the explanations that I have given for each behavior in the book and have added one more behavior as well.

Important behaviors to strengthen a relationship (1 – 4)

1. I ask my spouse about their day

It is essential if a relationship is to be strong that partners know what is going on with each other and take an interest in things that are important to both of them.

2.  My partner asks me about my day                                                                                      

(See comment on #1 behavior)

3.  I spend 15 alone daily with my partner just talking about things in general

Even if you know about what is important and what is happening in your partner’s life, nothing takes the place of face to face contact, without interruption.

This may be difficult to do but, if it is not done on a regular basis, something valuable is lost in maintaining a strong connection

4.  I look forward to weekends so that I can spend time with my partner.

Too often we use weekends as catch-up time.  Our weeks are busy with work and doing what chores we can squeeze in.  Also, we want to use the weekend to give ourselves a break.  It is true that we all need some down time and life is a busy place, but being able, on a regular basis, to spend a few hours over a weekend with your partner is a way (between vacations) to get reacquainted with them and remember what it drew us to our partner in the first place.

 In my next blog, I will give you five more things that are important to do on a regular basis to maintain a strong relationship.

How to Rebuild Trust

This material is coming from my upcoming book (which should be available as a download from YourMarriageCounselor.com in April 2012.)

Helping Relationships and Marriage Heal From the Trauma ofInfidelity (for the faithful Partner).

Rebuilding Trust

When a partner has been unfaithful, the biggest issue that exists for the person who has been cheated on is the issue of the is trust.  A parent says to their 8 year old child, “trust me, just fall back and ill catch you.” and then the parent moves a way, and the youngster falls on the ground.  That child has learned a difficult lesson; the youngster will have a hard time ever again letting their parent catch them again.

 The really difficult work ahead is to begin to rebuild the trust that has been lost. The first thing to realize is that trust is not given it is  earned.  In order for trust to be rebuilt five things have to occur:

1. The couple must learn to communicate with each other more effectively with each other. Whenever I have counseled the couple who are dealing with Infidelity even before the discovery of the unfaithfulness partners tell me how they are not able to talk to each other.  They spend little time taking with each other.  Sharing concerns both about the relationship and about their lives in general.

 2. The person who has strayed must be consistent . They must do what they say their going to do and be where they say they’re going to be.

 3. The unfaithful partner has to show a regular effort  to be open to their partner.  The unfaithful partner has to let the partner know where they are, to give them access to passwords to phone, computers etc…  This may be difficult for many people, but the other person.  Even the act of giving this level of accountability is reassuring.  Whenever I ask the partner who has been cheated on what is important to them they say; How can I forgive if I can’t know what the other person is doing”. The core issue for the faithful partner is will my partner do this again?

Though being open doesn’t mean the situation can’t be repeated the attitude of openness shows the partner that they have nothing to hide and that is really important.

4.The person who has strayed must be patient and consistent. The person who has cheated must realize that it will take months maybe even a year for thre to be a comfortable level of trust.

 5. Spend time together.  Building trust in a relationship requires time and contact with someone; you can’t trust someone you don’t know.  When you and your partner first met you probably spent a great deal of time together and frequently thought about each other when you were apart.  Eventually though, everyday life takes over and time is spent focusing on jobs, careers, children and hobbies.  Since there was some personal connection that initially drew you together, it is important to rekindle your relationship. 

Trust is earned a little bit at a time

Warm regards,

Dr. Marty

Below is a form that I have developed that is easy to complete and will draw a fairly complete picture of  how couples are doing. You can feel free to print this out in advance and complete it before you come for counseling if you like, but are welcome to complete it when you are here.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I have also included it so that folks on their own can focus on what the issues are in their relationship.  For more evaluations about how your relationship is doing you can got to my “Strength of Relationship” form. 

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Note:  The rating is 1 – 5  which ranges from very little   to   a great deal , “1″ means very little , “5″ means a great deal. The one exception to this is the last question how satisfied are you with your relationship, the higher the number the more satisfaction you have.  Don’t worry if this is confusing, I will be glad to explain it to you when we see each other. – Dr. Marty

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                                           Page 1 of 2

Relationship Intake Form

 Welcome to my office. I realize that’s it difficult to come for marriage counseling. I have written this for the purpose of making it a little easier and to help us to quickly focus on your issues.  Feel free to fill in details and circle the number of level of concern you have for  that  issue(s) that apply to your situation.

Name ___________________________            Date __________________

What do you and your partner have disagreements about?            

                                                                           very little             a great deal

Money ________________________________     1     2      3         4      5  

___________________________________________

Parents ________________________________    1     2      3         4      5  

________________________________________________

In-laws _______________________________     1     2      3         4      5  

________________________________________________

Faithfulness ______________________________ 1     2      3         4      5  

 _________________________________________________

Myself   ____

My Partner ____

Sexual intimacy ___________________________1     2      3         4      5  

_________________________________________________

Addiction which one(s)_ ____________________1     2      3         4      5  

Myself   ____

My Partner ____

Child rearing _____________________________1     2      3         4      5  

 __________________________________________________

Violence ________________________________ 1     2      3         4      5  

 __________________________________________________

Myself   ____

My Partner ____

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Page 2 of 2

                                                        very little                   a great deal

Anger issues __________________ 1     2      3         4      5  

 __________________________________________________

Myself   ____

My Partner ____

 Time spent together ____________1     2      3         4      5  

___________________________________________________

 Dependability __________________________1     2      3        4      5  

____________________________________________________

My level of satisfaction  with my relationship is_____   

 (not satisfied)  1     2      3       4      5   (very satisfied)

Other issues ___________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

Where would you like us to start today?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

Added bonus: I recently came across this very informative web site: http://www.everydayhealth.com/mens-health-pictures/ways-marriage-helps-mens-health.aspx#/slide-1   that has a variety of interesting articles such as:Is He Cheating On You? and Why Men Pull Away.  If you choose to go to the site would love to hear your reponse to it

Now back to my blog cast

INTAKE FORM

I am posting my “Basic Intake form” for people who are considering coming in for counseling, this way they can get an idea of what’s involved in terms of forms.  Also folks can download this form and fill it out in advance. So here’s the form

 In the next blog I will post my: Relationship Intake Form.  This form is designed to easily and quickly pinpoint the problems that a couple is experiencing.

______________________________________________________________________________________

MARTY TASHMAN, Ph.D.

                              INTAKE INFORMATION                                                       

 DATE:_________________

NAME:________________________  BIRTH DATE ______________           

      (FIRST)                                    (LAST)

ADDRESS:  __________________________________________________________

                        (NUMBER & STREET)                              (CITY, STATE)                                         (ZIP)

MARRIED:_______ SINGLE:_______ DIVORCED:________

HOME PHONE.#: (___)________ WORK#: (___)______________________

CELL   PHONE #  (___)__________________________

NAME OF PARTNER:  ___________   BIRTH DATE: ______ 

PARTNER’S HOME PHONE #: (___)__________WORK#: (___)__________

PARTNER’S CELL PHONE #:   (___)__________________________

ADDRESS:  _____________________________________

_____________________________________________

PRESENTING PROBLEM:_________________________________________________

SIGNIFICANT MEDICAL HISTORY:  ________________________________________

ARE YOU CURRENTLY TAKING ANY MEDICATION?   YES______  NO________

IF YES, NAME OF MEDICATION:  _________________________________________

DOSAGE:____________________  PRESCRIBED BY:  ________________________

REASON:  ____________________________________________________________

OTHER MEMBERS OF YOUR HOUSEHOLD:

NAME                                                  RELATIONSHIP                         AGE

__________________________________________________________ 

__________________________________________________________ 

__________________________________________________________ 

__________________________________________________________ 

__________________________________________________________ 

WHOM MAY WE THANK FOR REFERRING YOU?_____________________________

ANY ADDITIONAL INFORMATION YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE:__________

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