Your Marriage Counselor

“How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age” by Dale Carnegie and Associates. (Part II)

 Because I think there is a lot to be gotten from “How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age”  

I want to include a few more of the tips / suggestions that are offered.

 The book suggests “Begin in a friendly way”, to that suggestion I would encourage you (the speaker) to listen to the sound of your voice.  Is your tone harsh; is it rushed or is it interested in the other persons’ response?

The way the brain works and in terms of common sense, we tend to respond based on how we are approached.  Also research about relationships, has found that what has been termed “a soft start up”, (meaning that even if you are upset, you don’t jump down the other person’s throat) will generate far better communication than a “hard start up”.

 The book talks about avoiding arguments. This is an obvious bit of advise and yet how often do we get into heated disagreements.

 My rule is the hotter the conversation the cooler the results.   If you find yourself in an argument realize that you have already lost.  When engaged in an argument, people rarely say, “I’m so sorry I know I was completely wrong and you were totally right.  You can’t argue someone into agreement.

 When you are involved in an argument, the best strategy is to disengage and calm down and then re approach the person and the situation in a different way.  Of course there are many steps if figuring out how to re approach to learn what they are you might want to take a look at:

1. “How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age” by Dale Carnegie and Associates; or

2. Negotiation Handbook for Couples; from conflict to connection by yours truly.  Dr. Marty

“How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age” by Dale Carnegie and Associates. (Part I)

 Dale Carnegie’s ideas have been around for a long time and haven’t lost their effectiveness over the years.  The book that his associates have written also deals with some important areas of interaction such as: How to gain trust and how to deal with people who are resistant to change.

 Some of the suggestions are very simple and obvious, though the suggestions are not earth shattering; the trick here is to actually do them.  We all know that to smile at someone, when appropriate and to be patient and let people say what they need to is a good communication practice, but we don’t always remember to do so.

An example of something that can help us with our communication is: Whenever possible don’t tell someone that their wrong.  In my book, Relationship Rescue Manual, I take that a step further and encourage folks to not to say no without finding something to say yes to; for example:  If someone says you said something and you really didn’t say it, a way to respond could be:“Though I didn’t say that” (that’s the no part),

I can see why you might have thought that (that’s the yes part).   A yes will “soften” the “no” and help open up the lines of communication.

 In my next blog I’ll share with you some other helpful – interesting things that Dale Carnegie’s book covers.

Lowering Your Stress Level:  From Relationship Rescue Manual. By Dr. Marty

 It’s been a while since I shared material from my book:  “Relationship Rescue Manual. Here is a quick and easy stress releaser that you can use.  My premise is the lower your stress the better you’ll be able to respond to your partner.  This is  the first technique I offer in the book.

 Try an exercise that I call a mini-meditation to help you further understand your state of mind.   Find a quiet and comfortable place to sit (no television, radio, cell phone, etc.).  Notice any tension you feel and where it is located.  Rate the tension you feel on a scale of 1 (lowest) to 5 (highest).  Close your eyes and take an easy breath in and gently let it out 2 or 3 times.  Then sit quietly for 2 to 10 minutes.  Gently open your eyes, look around and “re-enter the room.”  Rate yourself again and notice any changes that have taken place.

 This is really very simple. The key to developing habits is to make that change as easy as possible, the easier it is to do the more likely we are to develop the new habit.

Surprised By Love: Lessons Learned

 By Dr. Jay & Julie Kent Ferraro

 In addition to “Surprised By Love” being an inspiring book that people can read, the Ferraro’s share what they call “Wisdom Learned” Below are examples of what valuable insights in the rebuilding and maintenance of what I call “Infidelity Proofing” your relationship.

 The first rule the Ferraro’s put forth is: “Put your marriage first”. Too often couples make being together the last priority.  Spending time together is often set as a last priority, something they will do later, or with whatever time is left over.  In reality, you either make the time or loose the relationship.  

 Another thing they say is: “Soul mates aren’t found they’re created”.  In this case I only agree with them 80%.  I think we can find people who we are deeply drawn to and that connection is more than sexual.  Having said that, the authors’ and I are on the same page, in that, just because there is a strong connection, that connection has to be nurtured.  If you are with someone who is not your soul mate, you can still be connected to them positively and grow to love them.  However, you have to take responsibility for your actions.  Partners have to focus on what is right about their spouse, rather than focusing what’s wrong with them.  

Love grows from understanding and accepting and without that even soul mates get divorced. 

The last point in the book that I will mention is:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

“Be the change in your relationship”. From very personal experience, I got “the seal of approval” from my partner when she said to me “Marty, you’ve changed a lot since we first met, (that was over 20 years ago).”  Even though I think I’ve changed there are still areas with which I am struggling. The hardest part for me is when I’m angry at my partner not to condemn her.  I will confess that I’m pretty good at that, but only after I get over my righteousness, admitting when I am wrong.   The first sentence in my head is: “What’s wrong with her.” – I am pretty sure she has the same sentence in her head about me.  When I do calm down, then I work at thinking “What’s right with her.” And I’m grateful to say that there is a long list.

 There is a lot more in this section as well as in the book, “Surprised by Love”. I urge you, if you would like to get insight into your relationship, even if you’re not dealing with an affair, to go along with the Ferraro’s in their healing  journey.

Surprised By Love by Dr. Jay & Julie Kent Ferraro

I found out about “Surprised by Love” from a client of mine.  This is a story about what use to be called a power couple. He is a psychologist who has his doctorate and his wife is an accomplished artist and performer.  Despite both their accomplishments their relationship suffered from the almost mortal blow, of an affair.

The book is written in the form of a journal / emails that Jay and Julie (the authors and “heroes”) exchange with each other during the break –up phase of their marriage.  At the end of the story and as a result of a lot of soul searching, their relationship was completely changed and together they developed a new marriage on a number of levels.  The Ferraro’s story has twists and turns like a soap opera; the difference here is that there is a happy ending.

This is a great book for folks who are in the midst of struggling with infidelity.  My manual “Helping Relationships and Marriage Heal from the Trauma of infidelity, is a how to book, mapping out specific steps and strategies, this wonderful book, “Surprised by Love,  is written by folks who have actually gone through this trauma and come out the other end. This book is something that I think will benefit people who are going through struggles in their own relationship.

 My final thought and the message of “Surprised by Love” is:  If done in the right way, a relationship can not only survive an affair, but can become stronger.

 In my next blog I will discuss some of”the lessons” the Ferraro’s learned

Happiness: Exactly What is it? Dr. Marty’s “Happiness Formula”.

 I believe that happiness is the distance between what you have and what you want, the closer the distance between the two the happier you are.

 The key to making ourselves happy can come from working on things from three directions:

(1)            Shifting your perspective on what you have; 

(2)          Dealing with things that you want

(3)          or working on both sides of the equation.

 In terms of things that you have, the field of positive psychology has done a great deal of research on happiness and one of the essential elements to feeling happy is having or developing the ability to be grateful.

 In fact, a simple effective technique to deal with anxiety and depression is: keeping a gratefulness journal.  The idea here is to make three entries a day.  You can even make the same entries.  The point of this exercise is to be appreciative for what you have and in my model of happiness lessen the gap between “having” and “wanting”.

In terms of what you want, it is important to think about your goals. The key to happiness here is to look for small things that you want, even if there is something big, like making more money, break that into short “doable” activities. Effective goals give you something to shoot for but are still possible to get to.

 There’s lot more to say about happiness and in future entries I will talk more about finding and creating your own happiness

One More Technique to Deal with Anxiety and Depression.

.I call this the Volkswagen Technique.  Did you ever notice that when you buy a certain type of car soon after that you start to notice a lot more of those cars on the road?  The idea here is that you find what you look for.  When you feel anxious or depressed usually that is followed with a lot of negative self talk that you constantly repeat in your head.  Folks say things like: “Here we go again.” “Why does this always happen to me”, “Nothing works for me, I’ve tried everything”  “This will never stop” or they picture bad things happening as a result of feeling anxious or depressed.  

 Getting past your anxiety and depression is, in part, about changing the conversation in your head.  To feel better you have to think about what you could say to yourself to feel better.

Here are some things that you can say:  :Let me stay calm” (in therapy you can learn ways to do that), “Let me try some of the other strategies I’ve learned and see which one will work  and let’s see if I can bring down these bad feelings from a minus 10 to a minus 5.  I will be discussing additional techniques in future blogs; also, in therapy there are many many things people can learn do to reduce or limit bad feelings. 

 The key here is to say the right things to ourselves. The computer folks have a saying “Garbage in “Garbage out”. 

 In Summary:

The ways to deal with these feelings are:

1. Be aware of what you are saying to yourself and make sure you are feeding your brain positive statements 

 2. Either keeps a journal of what happens when you use these techniques or stop and listen to the voice in your head and listen to what it is saying to you.  When you either record what you do or become aware of the conversation in your head rate on a scale of 1 – 10 how strong that negative voice is. 

Try the techniques and notice what happens to the strength of the message.

Simple Techniques to Deal with: Anxiety and Depression.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            In addition to helping folks with their relationship issues, I also counsel them for their: anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, trauma, and addictions. (drmartytashman.com).

 Here are three techniques that I suggest to my clients who are struggling with the above issues.

 Technique #1 The two minute rule –

If you don’t feel like doing something, promise yourself that you will do the task for two minutes and then stop.

 The “Two Minute Rule” the reason that this can work for you is, that you “prime” your brain in the direction of the task.  Often times, getting started is half the battle.   What happens is we talk our selves out of doing what we need to by thinking too much.  The Nike commercial puts it well when it says “just do it”, sometimes we over think things and overwhelm ourselves into inaction By doing something for just two minutes we make things into bite size pieces and have started the ball rolling.  For example:

If you know you should exercise, just commit to doing it for two minutes to get yourself into the routine.If there is a report you should do just commit to spending two minutes to get all the information on your desk, so that next time you don’t have first start the task and figure out what you need.

 Technique #2 The Keep a Journal or a Log - if you are concerned with changing or accomplishing something dedicate yourself to keeping a journal or a log.  This can be a small separate notebook (low tech) or a word document (high tech) and write the effort(s) you have made to relate positively to that issue.  What psychologists have know for years is that something you pay attention to is something you are likely to change.  Sometimes I ask my clients in therapy to do this. This is also very helpful when doing therapy as it gives specific examples to work with during the session.

 Technique #3 Ask yourself the right question.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Here is the right question: “What am I learning from this?”  A mistake is only a mistake if you don’t learn from it.

 Don’t be fooled by the obvious quality of these techniques the key here is to use them

Simple Techniques to Deal with: Anxiety and Depression.

In addition to helping folks with their relationship issues, I also help them with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, trauma, and addictions. (drmartytashman.com).
With the start of the New Year, I will give you a number of “common sense” suggestions on how to deal with “challenges” you are facing.
Here are three techniques that I suggest to my clients who are struggling with the above issues.

Technique #1 The two minute rule –
If you don’t feel like doing something, promise yourself that you will do the task for two minutes and then stop.

This doesn’t always work but, the reason it might is, that you “prime” your brain in the direction of the task. Often times, getting started is half the battle. What happens we talk our selves out of doing what we need to by thinking too much. the Nike commercial puts it well when it says “just do it”, as sometimes we over think things an overwhelm ourselves into inaction By doing something for just two minutes we make things into bite size pieces and have started the ball rolling. For example if you know you should exercise, just commit to doing it for two minutes. If there is a report you should do just commit to spending two minutes to get all the information on your desk.

Technique #2 The Keep a Journal or Log rule

If you are concerned with changing or accomplishing something (sometimes I do this with clients in therapy) dedicate yourself to keeping a journal or a log. This can be a small separate notebook (low tech) or a word document (high tech) and write the effort(s) you have made to relate positively to that issue. What psychologists have know for years is that something you pay attention to is something you are likely to change.

Technique #3 Ask yourself the right question.

Here is the right question: “What am I learning from this?” A mistake is only a mistake if you don’t learn from this.

Don’t be fooled by the obvious quality of these techniques – change comes by actually doing them.

Motivation, the Key to Change (Part of II of a II part article)

In this blog I’m going to give you two exercises to do, to gain some understanding about your motivation about dealing with your issues. The first thing to determine whether or not you are really motivated, is to see if you read this blog (which is very short) and do the exercise, which will take you less than a half hour.

Here are the two “exercises” to begin the process:

1. Write out why you want to get past your specific issue.  List the benefits and think about your world if you didn’t have to deal with these issues

2. Think about what the down side would be if you were able to get past those issues.

Note: Often time’s folks say that there would be no down side.  Think harder, because if there weren’t some benefit, it would be comparatively easy to let go of these issues.  I’m not saying your doing this deliberately, but I am saying, when I work with people in counseling we almost always are able to come up with some benefits that people are getting from holding on to their issues.

If you have trouble with this exercise, that is something that counseling can help you with, often times people can’t always view themselves in an objective way.

So in summary: Think about, in detail, the benefits and the downsides of what would happen if you were able to change.

There is a difference between wanting to change and doing what it takes to change.  What I’m asking for you to do is to begin the process, is to do the “exercises” described above.

Making change happen in your life is all about being highly motivated and not being highly motivated, the higher the motivation, the higher the probability that you will be able to effectively deal with the problems that you are struggling with.