Your Marriage Counselor

Answers to Questions About Your Relationship

 Over the last few weeks I’ve gotten a number of questions about relationships in my next two blogs will give answers to those questions.  My hope is that these issues may in some way relate to concerns in your relationship.

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I recently got this question from “Sam”

 ”My husband and I have been together 7 yrs, married for 4 yrs…
I have been questioning my feeling towards him lately. I don’t feel attracted                                                                                                                                                                                                    to him and it’s breaking my heart. I love him into pieces…what should I do?”

 I’m going to handle this blog a little bit differently from my other blogs, I’m going to give my take on what is going on and ask my readers to email me their thoughts and on my next blog I’m going to give you my answers to Sam’s question.

 Hi Sam,

Often times when couples loose their attraction for one an other, one of three things happen.

1. There has been some important disagreement(s) that have never been worked out and resentment has built and that has caused an emotional distance between the couple

2. The couple has taken each other for granted without making time together special and meaningful.

3. The problem might be a combination of the two other issues, that is there may be both some important disagreements and as a result you have been spending less and less time together

______________________________________________________

In my next blog I will tell you my specific answers to these questions, but I am really curious about your answers.  By the way, I will not print your answers so you don’t have to feel shy about sharing your thoughts.  I will be the only one who sees your responses.   Looking forward to your thoughts.

Name _______________________     Date ________

1.  In my communications during our session, I realize that though I don’t agree with my partner  

     at all, they really remember or see things differently. ____

 2.  I Talk in terms of what I would like as compared to what I don’t like _______

Areas I need to improve in (just give the number) __________________

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For counseling to go well it is important that certain guidelines be followed.  These 8 guidelines (the ones mentioned in the last three blogs) are also great guidelines for a couple to follow when they are talking with each other or even having disagreements.  These guidelines enable couples to practice and improve their communication skills which are an essential step in their improving their relationship.

How to Have a Successful Session

Please note that this should have been the first series of self rating questions.

Name _______________________     Date ________

 There are a total of 8 new “habits” to develop during counseling that will be extremely valuable in helping you rebuild your relationship.  Page 1 has 3 habits, Page 2 has 3 habits, and Page 3 has 2 habits. This is the first page of this group

 Please rate yourself in these areas from 1 to 10 the better you are the higher you should rate yourself.

 1. During our session I let my partner finish what they are saying  ____

  2.  I talk in brief sentences and don’t take more that 4 or 5 minutes to make my point. ____

3.     I stay focused on one subject ____

 Areas I need to improve in (just give the number) __________________

How to Have a Successful Session (part 2 of 4 pages)

 Below is the second part of my self evaluation for helping folks have success in during therapy and ultimately in their relationship.  In this version I will give an explanation of why I have developed these rules. 

 This is what I give to clients so they can rate themselves and work on the areas that are challenging for them.

 Name _______________________     Date ________

 Please rate yourself in these areas from 1 to 10 the better you are the higher you should rate yourself.

1. I don’t go into my partner’s history to “explain what their problem is ____

This is important because many people feel defensive when their partner attributes their “bad” behavior to their childhood.  I have very rarely seen a partner who has been “psychoanalyzed” say “of course it’s my past that is making behave badly.  Instead this “explanation is usually followed by a counter attack. 

 2. I am respectful of my partner, even though I may be very angry at them.     ____

It’s hard but essential when we are angry to get our message across with out putting the other person down.  If done right the message’s power is received, if done badly the communication triggers off more anger and there is more heat than light.

3.  I do not use emotionally charged phrases like : “He / She is a liar ____  

 It is amazing to me that one partner will call the other a liar and expect to get that person to listen to them let alone, be sensitive to them.  In life, as in with communication, we get what we send out.  Send out accusations and get the same more negative energy back or the partner withdraws and becomes even angrier.

 Areas I need to improve in (just give the number)  __________________

 In my blog next week, I will give the last phase of this program so that you can get the complete picture of one way of helping to improve the effectiveness of counseling.

How to Have a Successful Couple’s Therapy Session  (Part 1 of a three part series)

When folks call me they often ask “How long will therapy take.”  I answer their question by telling them on the average I see couples between 5 and 12 sessions; but then I add: “It depends on how hard a couple works at the process”. 

 One of the challenges in couples’ therapy is that sometimes couples are hurt toward each other. After seeing couples that are nasty to each other two things occur to me:

1. People are dealing not only with the issues but with the frustration and even anger they are feeling with their partner, this is not a surprise
2.  People have forgotten how to treat their partner well.  I am always surprised by this.

 The real problems come when a couple that is very combative get lost in their destructive communication patterns, thus preventing them from making progress.

Couples are so busy fighting during therapy they are just making things worse.  To help with this, I have developed a number of forms that each person in a high conflict relationship, can use to evaluate their own progress.

 My forms entail a three step process.  I have three forms each one progressively asking a little more from both people. These forms provide specific guide lines. At the end of our session, I ask the couple to individually rate them self in terms of how they are progressing during our meeting. 

By working following these guidelines couples can put the process in high gear and move forward more quickly

 In future blogs I will share with you the guidlines that are on the forms that individuals need to do in order to progress in building their marriage.

Change Anything  (Part III) by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillian, and Al Switzler

 “Invert the economy”

When the authors talk about “inverting the economy”, they are referring to the fact that changing something is difficult because when we do things (even things that we want to change) we take the path of least resistance, we do the thing that is easiest for us, by inverting the economy we make the old habit either more difficult or having a negative consequence and the new behavior easier to do and have a reward attached to it.

 If we use the example of loosing weight, we make it inconvenient (more difficult) to eat poorly by not having unhealthy food in our home and on the other hand by stocking our refrigerator with fruit and vegetables that are cut into bit size pieces (making good eating easier for us to do).

 Though this approach has advantages, the problem with this approach is that it does not take into account, unconscious motivations, or secondary gains.  In our example of eating maybe we don’t feel taken care of and we experience eating certain foods as being emotionally nourishing or we have issues with sexual intimacy and being heavy may help us to be unattractive and thereby not having to deal with being close to someone sexually.

 “Change Anything” is a great self help book.  It has some limitations, but it is certainly a great starting point with lot’s of strategies and techniques to help someone who is serious about changing their life.  There is also a web site called “Changeanything.com” with more information and support for folks who want to improve their lives.

Change Anything (Part I) by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillian, and Al Switzler.                                                                                                                           As a therapist (for more information about this you can go to DrMartyTashman.com) I am involved in helping people change.  One thing is for sure, it takes more than will power to change.  The authors have developed a formula based on what they call “The Science of Success”.   I think their formulation can be very helpful and I use some of the suggestions they use with my clients. The author’s of “Change Anything”,  talk about “The six sources of influence”     

In my blogs about their method I will discuss these methods and my response  to them.

 The first source of influence they title “Love What You Hate”  My take on this is to find something positive about what you are trying to do even though it may be difficult; for example, if you are working on loosing weight and you have hunger pangs, think of them as physical signals that you are on the right path.  In essence, have a positive conversation in your head about doing difficult things to accomplish your goal, in this case its loosing weight.

 The second source of influence they title “Do What You Can’t”. Here the author’s are making the point people are resistant to change and learning things can be difficult as well as time consuming; however, the key to change is gaining new skills.

 In my next post I will be talking about their next source: “Turn Accomplishes Into Friends”.

Answer to an Email inquiry

In this blog I’m going to answer an email that was sent to me by someone who identified themselves as Dave

 Hi  Dr Marty,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I have been married for 7 years now and have never been an emotional person. My wife knew this but she is sick of feeling neglected. I love her but just can’t reach down and grab what isn’t there to show her. We are drifting farther apart because of it she is ready to move on unless I can change. Is marriage counseling for me or do I need a more specific type of therapy?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Dave

 Hi  Dave ,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       You should run not walk to working with a marriage counselor.  You wife is giving you a red warning light.  Pay attention to me, understand me, COMMUNICATE  WITH ME.  Here’s the catch you need to find a counselor who will focus not on the mistakes that were made, but on what to do going forward.  You need a combination coach and counselor.  The therapist should offer specific advice, like helping you figure out specifically what are your wife’s complaints and how you can directly relate to them.On the other hand you need some help figuring out what went wrong in your mind.  

 Relationships are an incredibly important part of our life.  I tell the folks I work with: “Do everything you can to get past your issues, because finding a special person is not an easy thing. In addition, people tend to make the same mistakes in future relationships, why not work on one where you have a positive history.  Even if you can’t resolve the issues at least you know you tried”.

In earlier blogs and in my books I have offered questions that you might consider asking your wife; an example of this is: “What do I do that you have liked in the past?”

Also, I’ve put a video on YourMarriageCounselor.com called “How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor” that will also give you information on what do to save your relationship.

Good luck,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Dr. Marty

The Essential Guide to a Lasting Relationship.   (Part II) by Dr. Marty

In this blog I want to share with you additional tips that will help a relationship to avoid pitfalls.  Some of the danger signs in relationships are: silence, denial and unleashed resentment.

 Folks mistakenly think that by not saying anything they are avoiding a fight.  Thought that may be true to some times, unless people get a chance to say what is on their mind (in a constructive way) they never feel as if they are heard. 

In terms of denial, if a couple pretends that there aren’t any problems or bad feelings, that denial just festers and then comes out when there is a fight.  When things are not identified, people emotionally distance from each other.

 In regard to unleashed resentment, what happens is that people have conversations in their head and they are negatively influenced by the resentment they are carrying around.

 Silence, denial and stored resentment show how wrong it is to think: “What you don’t know about can’t hurt you”.  Actually, what you don’t know can hurt you more, because it just simmers and simmers until it boils over.

 Here is a quick test you might take to see where you stand with the issues raised in the last two blogs

Circle the number that is most accurate.

A.  I  usually deal with problems as they come up

        1                2                3            4             5

   Don’t agree                                                Agree

B.  My partner usually deals with problems as they come up.

        1                2                3            4             5

   Don’t agree                                                Agree

C.  I respect my partner’s boundaries

        1                2                3            4             5

     Don’t agree                                             Agree

D. My partner respects my boundaries

        1                2                3            4             5

     Don’t agree                                                Agree

The Essential Guide to a Lasting Relationship.  (Part I) By Dr. Marty

 It’s been a while since I’ve shared material from my book  “The Essential Guide to a Lasting Relationship”  In my second chapter, I talk about “Dealing with the bumps” in the next two blogs I will share four “take aways” from that chapter.  You can find more details about these tips in the book, my hope this information will get you thinking and help strength your relationship.

Here they are:

1. Denying a problem will just make it more difficult to deal with it later on in a relationship    This may seem obvious, but just the other day I had a couple tell me they knew something was wrong, but they figured it wasn’t “that bad”. It’s easy to get caught up in the business of life and forget about problems negative feelings that normally happen in the course of a relationship, by saying that you’ll deal with them later.

 2. Respecting your partner’s boundaries is essential to strong relationship.  Again, this is obvious, but when you’re fighting with your partner do you let your partner, take a step back and not insist on an immediate answer?  On the other hand, when a step back is taken, is the issue just swept under the rug?  Both responses will cause a problem.

 3. Life will bring changes; it’s not the changes that determine the strength of the relationship it’s how you handle those changes.  For details about how couples can handle changes, you might want to take a look at my book “The Negation handbook for couples   http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/negotiation-handbook-for-couples/ I will share with you the last “tip” in my next blog