Why Do People Fall Out of Love and What To Do About It?
To learn more about what you can do, take a look at my Relationship Rescue Manual.
Love is like a plant, it constantly needs to be watered in order for it to grow, and we tend to take our relationships for granted and not give it the extra care it needs. We get so involved in the business of life, our work, bringing up the kids, and the tasks of daily living, that we don’t allow the time for maintaining closeness. Unfortunately what happens is that people do have a tendency to grow apart over time. When we don’t pay attention to our relationship what happens is that our partner can fall out of love.
Often times in my office I hear, “I begged for some affection, and time together, but I was ignored. Now it’s too late.” People say these things because they feel: insulted, ignored, hurt and angry.
Barriers to “Falling Back Into Love”.
If your partner is unwilling or unable to work at getting back that loving feeling, it may be because they are too angry to consider opening themselves up to you again. Your partner is afraid that if they let their guard down or worse yet, fall back in love, you will take them for granted again. Deep down your partner doesn’t believe that you can change. They believe that they are being paid attention to because you are scared that they will leave you.
So the question is: “Is it too late to do something about your partner falling out of love with you”?
What Can Be Done About Your Partner Falling Out of Love With You?
Getting your partner to fall back in love with you is much more than saying “I’m sorry, I understand, I’m going to be different”. It is more than buying a new house, or going on a romantic vacation, or having a child. I mention this because these are the solutions that couples come up with every day (by the way, I see about 30 couples a week).
Are Sessions Done Individually or Jointly?
Sessions can be done jointly, or individually, or a combination of individual and joint meetings. Whether we start individually is dependant on two factors, the stage of deterioration of the relationship, and how you and your partner would like to begin. In a perfect world, I would meet with both people together, but life is not perfect, so we have to work with what we have and not try and force your partner into our mold of meeting jointly or individually.
The Biggest Mistake the “Out of Love” Partner Can Make
Though often times I see couples together, the biggest mistake that you can makes is when you wait for your partner to come for counseling. If the “out of love” partner is not ready, don’t wait for them (See article “What to Do When Only One Partner Wants to Come for Therapy”). If you wait for your partner to come for therapy the chances are that things will continue to get worse.
First Thing to Be Done: Gaining Insight
You have to take a long hard look at why your partner has “fallen out of love” with you… To understand this, I have developed a questionnaire, which quickly helps pinpoint what has happened.
Second Thing to Be Done: Showing your partner by actions that you “get it”.
The partner, who has lost the other’s love, has to demonstrate, not try to convince that partner that they “get it”. The partner who wants to win back their spouse has to continuously and patiently show by their behavior that they are making positive changes. During our work together you will learn based on my “Relationship Questionnaire”, what you need to do to be able to get the best chance to get her/ him to want to take the step to work on getting closer to each other. You have to make it clear that the changes are real and not just for show.
Third Thing to Be Done: Getting Your Partner to Feel Like They are Really Heard
The partner has to have a chance to vent and feel understood by you. You and your partner will learn how to: listen and talk to each other as well as constructive ways to deal with the anger that is felt. To this I have developed materials designed to help you know what to do and what not to do.
In Closing
Your partner has to feel that though I (Dr. Marty) am a marriage counselor and would like to help you come together, I am not trying to push them into a relationship against their will.
Summary:
What is necessary for people to fall back in love with each other
is: understanding about past mistakes, changed behavior, and development of positive communication.
One Last Positive Thought
People can change and love can be rediscovered. The key here is to recognize that you can never go back to the old relationship, nor should either person want to, but together we must create a new relationship that will be good for both of you and that will have safe guards for the future.
“Love is never having to say you’re sorry”
– Love Story
“Love is finding out what’s wrong and fixing it and then a candlelight dinner wouldn’t hurt”.
– Dr. Marty
If your partner has told you “they have fallen out of love with you”, don’t wait call now, every day counts.
To learn more about what you can do, take a look at my Relationship Rescue Manual.
Dr. Marty
34 years of bringing couples together
(1) 888/281-5850
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My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years now and it started off amazingly we were so in love and it was as if nothing could change that until one night I ruined everything forever and then from then on it’s been argument after argument mistake after mistake. I don’t know what to do I still love her so much it hurts to think I may loose her forever. She won’t listen to a word I say or even respond to me at all as if I’m a ghost. I dnt want it to be this way forever. And neither does she.
Dear Stehpan,
It is terrible when you can’t connect with someone you love. If you really love your fiancee you will sit down with a trained counselor and go over the specifics of the relationship. You must have been missing some basic cues she was sending out, to have a chance at discovering what those cues are you need a professional who can help you take a more in depth look at what has been going on between the two of you.
My wife and I have been together for 4 years, married for one. The problem is we’ve always argued, but since married and our first child things have intensified. Now she gets upset with me because I don’t want to be intimate with her. To be honest I’m not turned on anymore by her. The arguing has finally caught up and sometimes I feel as if I do not love her anymore. I feel like everything she says and does annoys me to the point when I see her I retreat away and don’t want to be around her. On another note I’m beginning to look more at other women more but I wasn’t raised as a cheater. What do you recommend? I NEED HELP!
Dear Mr. Professional,
Having a child can be a real challenge and can upset the delicate balance of a relationship. Don’t give up hope there are many things you can do, the key here is what you are willing to do .
In my blog on Jan 4, 2011 I began my first entry on a 4 part series on motivation, please take a look at it and consider doing the exercises, The most important starting point in your situation is your level of motivation.
I say in my first blog this week on Motivation on Tues. 01.03.11 “The first question to consider is: ‘How much would I like something to be different and how much are you willing to do things differently?’” Though there are answers to helping a relationship develop closeness, involves work. So if you are serious about wanting change, as a starter:
1. Read the four blogs in this series
2. Do the exercises suggested and
3. email your answers directly to me @: drmarty@comcast.net and I’ll make suggestions for your next step
Good luck – looking forward to hearing from you
Dr. Marty
One thing for sure is if you do nothing things will get worse.