Your Marriage Counselor

Top Five Reasons to Get Pre – Marriage Counseling  (Part II)  by Lindsey Webster

Today’s blog is a continuation of yesterday’s article which will give the additional reasons why Pre- Marital Counseling is important.

3.    To learn communication skills: One of the main reasons for marriage conflict is a breakdown in communication.  Pre – marriage counseling will give you and your potential spouse the opportunity to learn the skills needed for effective communication. You will learn what it means to truly listen and not just hear as well as learn how to choose the right words when trying to get a point across.
4.    To learn how to resolve conflicts: Different people demand different things in a conflict. Some people like to take a moment to think before discussing a conflict, while others need to discuss the issue then and there. Conflict is inevitable in marriage and can actually be healthy, but there is a right and a wrong way to fight. Discussing what each of you expects from an argument will help you set up boundaries and understand the best way to resolve a conflict.
5.    To discuss your future goals: Do you know where your fiancé wants to be in life at age 55? If you haven’t discussed what you and your potential spouse want to do with your lives, both together and independently, your marriage won’t have a foundation. If you don’t share common goals with your spouse, you have no reason to work together and stick together. You may also not realize that you have totally different life goals until it’s too late. For instance, have you asked you fiancé when or if they want kids? You may just assume they do, but you may be terribly wrong.
If you plan on taking part in a pre-marriage counseling session, understand that the results may not be what you expect. This is a serious process, and the results should not be taken lightly. There have been instances of couples who were engaged for two years or more breaking up after realizing their incompatibility at a pre-marriage counseling session. Don’t let this scare you away from counseling, however. More often than not, pre-marriage counseling helps newly married couples create a stronger, better, more meaningful marriage.
Lindsey Webster has been a rehabilitation counselor for 15 years and also owns the site http://www.mastersincounseling.org

Masters in Counseling. She likes to write about different topics related to counseling and careers.

Top Five Reasons to Get Pre-Marriage Counseling (Part I)

Lindsey Webster who has a wonderful site called MastersinCounseling.org was gracious enough to write this article.  I have broken the article in two parts and today she will give you two reasons that Pre-Marital Counseling and tomorrow we will include three more reasons.

Here is what Lindsey has to say:

Pre-marriage counseling is something that many engaged couples choose to skip. It is seen as tedious and unnecessary. However, pre-marriage counseling is actually a very wise move for those engaged to marry. It is an opportunity to grow and learn as a couple; a chance to start your marriage off on the best foot. Listed below are the top five reasons to get pre-marriage counseling.
1.    To learn and discuss what each expects from their family roles: Believe it or not, we have been conditioned by our parents or caretakers as to what it means to be a husband, wife, family member, etc. Your potential spouse may have a completely different set of expectations than you. For instance, the man may have grown up in a home where the parents rarely showed affection. Therefore, he may not be comfortable hugging or kissing his wife in front of their future children. If this is not discussed beforehand, his wife may mistakenly believe he is no longer interested in her after they have kids. This potential conflict could have been avoided had they discussed their expectations has husband, wife and parent before marriage.
2.    To discuss each individual’s values: You may think you know your potential spouse’s values, but do you really? When it comes to marriage, the meaning of values goes a whole lot deeper than the basic moral compass. For example, you know that both you and your fiancé value paying your bills on time. However, you value paying your bills the day you receive them, because you want to make sure you don’t spend the money elsewhere or forget to pay the bill. Your spouse, however, does not share that same value and always chooses until the last grace period day to pay their bills. Either way, the bills get paid, but the value was not just paying your bills on time but which day you pay your bills. This small difference in opinion could break a marriage.

“Tune” into tomorrow to get the other three reasons. ;-)

Some Tips on Handling Anger

I have an expertise in helping folks dealing with anger.  When I see couples one of the primary challenges is how to effectively deal with the anger that each partner feels.  I also deal with people who have been charged with domestic violence and have been arrested.  One of the conditions of their sentence is that they go to anger management counseling.

The information below are specific things that people should and should not do when they are angry.  Please take a look and see what you think.  The suggestions below are definitely things that will not be a total answer to how to deal with anger, but there will be some simple valuable tips that you can try when you are in that state of mind.

Four  Things to do When You Find that you are angry

1. Calm your self and speak from a “calm place”.

2. Understand that your partner has a point,  even thought you really disagree with that  perspective.

3. Withdraw if you start getting upset again.

When we are upset we are not thinking clearly.  We will be much better able to handle this issues when we are in a calmer more centered place.

4. Notice your self talk

Four Things Not To Do When You Find that you are angry

1.  Blame or accuse your partner

2. Think about how hopeless things are

3.  Remind yourself how your past attempts have failed

4. Make your partner the bad guy

 Good luck and let’s hope that you don’t get angry often.