Your Marriage Counselor

What’s the Best Way to Reconnect with Your Partner

Every day when we go to work we leave our partner, assuming that we are living with them, and we live a whole other life.  We then come home after a day of being in a  different life space.   Because we have been in that “other world”, we are to some degree disconnected from our partner.  It seems odd, here is the person we have an intimate relationship with and yet we are disconnected from them and have to figure out how to reconnect.  To make this task more difficult, we are usually tired and may have another series of things that we have to complete, whether it’s dealing with the children, the dog, cleaning or paying our bills.  So the question is how do we re connect with our partner in a way that helps us to feel that we are close with them?  Should we leave them alone? Should we have a drink waiting for them? Should we tell them about our day or ask them about theirs?  Stop right here and think about what you do now.  How effective is it?  Are able are you to reconnect with your partner?

If you don’t do as effective job as you would like, here is the answer to how to effectively reconnect with them: “Ask them!” When you’re partner comes home or texts you, or even calls you on their cell phone as they coming home ask your partner what they would like.  It’s important on a regular basis that you check in with them, because different days will generate different responses.  Some day’s folks will want to be left alone, other days they may want some time to get things off of their chests, and some days they may even want to celebrate.

The rule is straight forward, whenever possible “check in” with your partner.  On the other side of the coin, figure out  how you would like your partner to reconnect  with you and then ask them specifically  if they can give you  what is important to you.

A strong relationship needs constant reconnection.  When both of you are able to communicate to one and  other, you are off to a great start about building the kind of connection that is loving caring and supportive.

Three Quick tips to “Keeping the Spark in Your Relationship”.: Small Things That Make a Big Difference

I have a free newsletter “Keeping the Spark” (available on YourMarriageCounselor.com) where I offer one tip per issue, for how to keep positive energy in your relationship.  In today’s blog, I’ll take that one step further and offer not one but three really easy but powerful things you can to nourish your relationship.

First, I wanted to share with you a tip from my book “The Essential Guide to a Lasting Marriage” plus, additional thoughts that I also advise clients that are working on strengthening their relationship.

Tip # 1 Be Polite and Appreciative

In my book, I talk about how after couples are together for awhile they can take each other for granted.  They forget to say, or don’t bother with saying “thank you” or I appreciate what you’ve done.  For relationships to be strong we always have to be on the look out for ways to let our partner know we appreciate them.

(Two tips beyond what I’ve written in my book)

Tip#2 “Random Acts of Kindness”

We also have to be on the look out to do “random acts of kindness”.  On a regular, but not predictable basis, look to do a small thing that shows you were thinking of your partner: A cup or Starbucks’ coffee or a magazine that that they might be interested in is a very power gesture.  It’s not the money it‘s the thought.

Small things can be really big.

By the way, if you all ready do this, good for you, let this be a re-enforcer to keep it up.  It’s easy to forget to do the small things as our life gets busy or something distracts us.

Tip#3 – Another Example of a good “small thing”

Keep in touch with your partner through out the day, with a short “tweet”, “text”, or email.  Let your partner know when you are grateful about something about them or something considerate they have done for you.  This is yet another way that:  “Small things can be really big”

 Three easy things to do that make all the difference in the world.

Tool For Healing: “Superbetter.com” – The Back Story –  A Story  Of  Resilience

In yesterday’s blog I talked about the site “Superbetter” and how by “playing” the video game that has been created, it can help you heal from injuries and illnesses.

Today, I want to share with you how this site got created. Superbetter.com  was created by Jane McGonical who suffered a brain injury in 2009.  She developed the site in an effort to help herself to heal from her injury.

Jane realized that the key to recovery is having social support, that she terms “allies”.  This concept works well because as human beings we all need to feel cared about.  The time we really need connection with other people is when we are most vulnerable and paradoxically tend to emotionally move away from every one because we are depressed, embarrassed feel hopeless. Jane McGonical characterizes the process as an “Epic Win”.  What a great name it makes us feel like a hero in our own healing story.

So the post script is that this really works Jane has a web site which is filled with her successes.  She has chosen to be a hero rather than a victim.   If you got to her site:  http://janemcgonigal.com/  you will see positive comment after positive comment about her and about her creation “Superbetter”.

When Susan is interviewed she is open and non-defensive. She positions “Superbetter” as a work in progress.

She talks about modifications and upgrades based on feedback.  When thing don’t work, including our bodies, her response is: “What we can do to make things better”.

The back story here is about a woman and an attitude of how can we make this situation as right as possible.  We all need people to inspire us, someone who has confidence and demonstrates resiliency.  I often wonder when my challenges come will I be up to the task.  I’m worried that I won’t be and hope that I am.

Part of my mission, in my blogs, is to help people build their own sense of resiliency.  One way we can do that is by being exposed to great role models.  Another way to contribute to our own resiliency is be forgiving of others and ourselves when there is a struggle.  We want to run a line between being nurturing and indulgent.  We need time to regroup and to be supported; and then we need to do something and not get lost in our pain, easy to say and very hard to do.

My hope is as I share these terrific stories with you of different  people who have been heroes in their own stories and their heroism will inspire you as they have me.

 It’s not what you have; it’s what you do with what you have!

As I have worked with folks suffering from pain using hypnosis and energy psychology techniques

( http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/10-pain-management/introduction-to-pain-management-treatment-in-somerset-middlesex-county/ )

I am always interested in approaches that will help people deal with pain and psychological recovery from accidents and illness.  We know that the brain and the body are intertwined and handling things well will speed up the healing process for illness and injury.  I recently came across a wonderful web site: https://www.superbetter.com/users/sign_in

This site is , can you believe it, a video game that is designed to help folks with their psychological recovery from illness and injuries.

Here is how they describe what they do:

“Super Better creates a private, online space where your closest friends and family become allies in your adventure toward health and wellness. The game is played in two parts: First, a set of 7 guided missions that create the foundation for your journey. Then, an open-ended, self-guided adventure that you play with your family and friends in the real world-not a virtual environment-in an effort to achieve your health goals.”

The site is based on scientific principles for healing  and video games.  We know that people are more likely to engage in change behavior when the tasks are convenient and interesting.  Also compliance to a healing regime is increased when there are social supports.  This site / game combine those factors.  The activity is as close as your computer.  I heard a first person account of it’s effectiveness on an NPR radio program (On the Media) of the effectiveness of the program.  As a therapist who is involved in both therapy and healing this concept is nothing short of genius.

I am delighted to pass this creation on to my readers and would encourage you to pass this on to anyone you know who is struggling with recovery from medical problems.  You might even keep it in your personal file, let’s hope nothing ever happens to us, but it never hurts to be prepared

I would be very interested in your response to “Super Better”

Technology is both very dangerous and an magical key to an incredible future dependant on how it is used.  “Super Better” is an example of the magical key.

Curious as to how this started? In my next blog I will tell you the back story as how this site was born.

Take care,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Dr. Marty

What Jack and Jill Can Teach Us About Having A Strong Relationship

The last two entries on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder were very serious and difficult issues to deal with, to create a sense of balance; I’m going to share with you something from my book “The Essential Guide to a Lasting Marriage”.  By the way, the information I am giving applies to all relationships not just married couples.  Today, I’m going to talk about one of the most important elements in a positive relationship that is the quality of flexibility.

Before I go any further, I want to put in a disclaimer: flexibility should only go so far, one should never be so flexible as to compromise their personal values.  This entry is geared toward someone who is getting stuck by being rigid a not giving their partner’s view respectful consideration.

So in the spirit of humor (as I’ve discussed in my previous blogs a few days ago) to make the point, I’m going to talk about our childhood friends Jack and Jill.  Below is an adaptation of the nursery rhyme we all know I hope the example makes you smile.

What Jack and Jill Can Teach Us About Having A Strong Relationship

Jack and Jill went up the hill but only made it half way. Jack got tired so Jill told him to rest, while she went to fetch the water; or maybe Jill thought it would be better to get the water another day; or maybe they decided together to hire a contractor and bill a well in the valley. Either way Jill was flexible and accepted Jack’s feelings- which just may contribute to them living happily ever after.

So I  ask you to ask yourself: “How flexible have I been when I see things differently from my partner?”  Have been as flexible as Jill?

“Surviving the Shadows’: A Journey of Hope into Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. (Part II) By Bob Delaney

Yesterday I talked about Bob Delany and his personal compelling story, today I will share with you some of the insights he offers us about dealing with PTSD.

In his book, surviving the Shadows’: A Journey of Hope into Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Delany points out a number of interesting insights like:

The person who is suffering from PTSD will have intense, disproportional (to the situation) emotional responses to situations.  These responses are signs that the person is still putting their prior experience into perspective.

Delany mentions that his family and friends, which is typical of others who are suffering from PTSD, wanted the “old Bob” back.  The Bob who was as he puts it: “was quick to laugh at a joke” and who was care free.  Delany talks about how that “old Bob” isn’t coming back.  There may be glimmers of his former self, but he is permanently changed because of his experience of being in constant danger.  Delany’s advise is that both the suffer and their family have to relate to the “new” person the suffer is becoming.

One of the strategies he and others have used to heal from PTSD is to have a purpose, a mission.  To focus on the positive and more than that, to do something that helps others and that they are passionate about.

An important message that Bob Delany offers is; that the most effective help is from “peer to peer” counseling.  Delany strongly emphasizes that what can make the biggest impact is for the person suffering from PTSD to be able to talk to someone who has been there, who has gone through their own version of trauma.   The shared experience of a peer counselor adds creditability and hope for the “suffer”.

If you are interested in learning more about PTSD because either you have suffered from it yourself or you have a loved one who is wrestling with this issue this is an amazing book by this amazing man is a wonderful resource.

To say Delany is a brave human being is an understatement, he someone who has done a very important and tough job and we owe him a lot for both the work he has done and for the light he is shining on the issue of PSTD.  The insights in his book are applicable soldiers who have seen combat as well as police, firefighters and other uniformed services who face danger every day to protect us.

Post script:

Delany eventually left the police and through a series of events that you will read about in the book he became a professional referee for the National Basket Ball Association.

Post post script:

Delany has retired from his position from the NBA to dedicate his life to helping other who is suffering from PTSD.  When I said Delany is an extraordinary person I was not exaggerating.  I am a respectful member of the Rob Delany fan club.

To learn more about PSTD you can go to my other site: DrMartyTashman.com in about 2 or 3 weeks where I will go into detail about this very serious emotional condition.

“Surviving the Shadows’: A Journey of Hope into Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.                                                                                                          

I’m in the process of revising my site drmartytashman.com, which offers individual counseling for: anxiety, depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Bi Polar Disorder, and Addiction.  I came across this wonderful book by Bob Delaney called

“Surviving the Shadows’: A Journey of Hope into Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.   This book is a sensitive, fascinating recounting of one extraordinary man’s struggle with PTSD.  I use the word extraordinary very specifically.  Delany was a state trooper who went under cover in a sting operation for getting evidence against the mafia in New Jersey.   In his early 20’s Bob Delany went uncover for 2 years.  The government bought a trucking company and made him president.

Together with the FBI, an other under cover trooper, and a mafia informant they were able to make significant inroads in organized crime in New Jersey.  Here is where the PTSD enters the story. Delany in his role as a mobster had to take on a different personality and then, had to at the end of the investigation testify against the people (criminals) he worked with and to some measure had become his friends.

Delany was at risk every day he was under cover and long after when he had to testify.  He describes in graphic detail how he became paranoid, anxious, estranged from his family and friends because of his fears.

Delany gives us a view from the inside not only of the mafia but of his soul.

This book is powerful because of it’s drama and the message it give us about PTSD.

PTSD is epidemic in it’s proportions.  It effects a  broad cross section of people of all ages and situations.

The newspaper Tucson Citizen on it’s site http://tucsoncitizen.com/   says:

Today there are literally hundreds of thousands of returning veterans suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from their combat experiences. There are also hundreds of thousands of average Americans suffering from some traumatic experience in their lives resulting in PTSD.

According to .medicinenet.com

PTSD statistics in children and teens reveal that up to more than 40% have endured at least one traumatic event, resulting in the development of PTSD in up to 15% of girls and 6% of boys. On average, 3%-6% of high school students in the United States and as many as 30%-60% of children who have survived specific disasters have PTSD.

In my entry tomorrow I will talk about insights that Delany has about PTSD as well as how to get additional information about how to heal from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Humor Can Be A Serious Thing. (part II)

Have you though about what could be funny?

To make it easy for you and to not disturb I’m going to give you the entire joke / story

A TALL “TAIL”

 An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my backyard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.  I gave him a few pats and he followed me into the house, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.  An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.  The next day he was back, walked inside the house and resumed his spot in the corner and slept for about an hour.  This continued for several weeks.  Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:  “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”  The next day he arrived for his nap with the following note:  “He lives in a home with six children, two under the age of three.  He’s trying to catch up on his sleep.  Can I come with him tomorrow?”

The joke is about a dog (which may of us are able to relate to) a sense of safety is part of the message of the story and no one is hurt or demeaned.I like the joke because everyone gets taken care of the dog and the people in the story all end up in a good place, who amongst us doesn’t want to find a protected place where we are safe from the demands of the world.

Oh, yes there is one other essential element in this joke/ story, there is somewhat of a surprise ending.

So next time you hear or tell a joke realize how serious a business it can be.  .;-)

 Interested in your thoughts,                                                                                                    Dr.  Marty

Humor  Can Be a Serious Thing.

My next two blog entries will be about humor. Don’t worry, I promise there will be a joke at the end.

They say liquor is a “social lubricant” well I think really

humor is even more so. If done well, a joke makes people feel good and puts them in a good mood as well as,” break the ice”.  On the other hand, humor can be dangerous.  Sometimes people say things they think are funny and they are not, in fact they can be  hurtful.  When a “joke” makes fun of someone, it can be a negative thing. It can hurt their feelings or even embarrass them.

When we make a “joke” about our selves it shouldn’t be demeaning.  “Gentle jokes” are the best.  Jokes or stories that are low key and good natured are what I would call “real jokes”.  Here is the tricky part, who decides if the jokes are in fact gentle, it is like beauty, and each person has to decide for themselves what is funny.

So here is half the joke/story before I give you the rest of the joke I would like you to think about where the joke is going. Ask yourself, what could be funny about this? Is there a negative side?

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my backyard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.  I gave him a few pats and he followed me into the house, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.  An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.  The next day he was back, walked inside the house and resumed his spot in the corner and slept for about an hour.  This continued for several weeks.  Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:  “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”  The next day ……. To be continued tomorrow

See you at my blog tomorrow with the rest of the story,

Is the suspense getting to you? ;-)

The Counseling Process

In my last three entries I have talked about how to determine if counseling is needed. If you do need help I have given a self help program that someone can work on without seeking professional counseling. Sometimes, problems are too deep to be dealt without professional help; if that is the case then using a trained therapist is the next option.  In this last entry in the series, I have outlined specifically how I think counseling process should be.  If you think it is important to work with a professional this next section you will give you a good idea of what is involved in the process that I use.  The good news is that you can get better and that you have already made the first step by taking my evaluation. When you are ready you can contact me at: (732)246-8484 or drmarty@comcast.net.

Good luck, hope this information is helpful for you

The Counseling Process:

Stage I

In this stage of the process your issues are identified and how degree of severity is determined

Stage II

In this stage we will do the work of figuring out what type of approach is needed and what you need to get from counseling to help you with your particular problem.

In some situations what is needed is learning specific skills to help you cope with your issues and situation.  For example if you are suffering from anxiety – there are particular techniques that I can teach you that you can use to significantly reduce your anxiousness.  If you are suffering from relationship issues or social anxiety you might need communication skills. If you are suffering from anger issues you might need to learn anger management skills

In some situations what may be needed is to learn more about your personal history, so that that part of your life can be addressed.  Sometimes problems are rooted in your past perhaps in your childhood or in previous relationships or life situations.  In those situations we will need to explore those times so you can be helped to heal from the scares that have occurred during those times

In some situations when there has been prior counseling and nothing has worked we may try an alternative method that is called Energy Psychology.  There are many forms of Energy Psychology that we can use such as: EFT. (Emotional Freedom Techniques), TFT (Thought Field Therapy), and EMDR (Eye Movement Reprogramming Desensitization).

Stage III – Practice and Correction.

No matter how effective the counseling is for it to work, the information and techniques have to be applied and practiced.  In this last stage we will stretch out the time between our meetings to see how well things are going and if a little more coaching is necessary, you can get additional help to work out the issues that you have been struggling with.

There is hope folks don’t have to suffer their whole lives with new information and skills there is relief from the emotional pain that people experience from anxiety, depression, bi polar disorder, and addiction.

Please give me a call, I answer my own phone, at (732)246-8484 and we can discuss your particular situation to find out which approach is best for you.

Dr. Marty