Your Marriage Counselor

“Attitudes & Emotions Check list”: A tool for effective negotiation.

The “Attitudes & Emotions Check list” is taken from: “Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection” In addition to this book being downloaded it is also available in Kindle Format on Amazon.

In this entry, I’m going to share with you a tool for negotiating with your partner my: “Attitudes & Emotions Check list”.  This is a self-rating instrument, that can give you some perspective on how you are doing with your negotiation with your partner.  When you have entered into a negotiation with your partner, rate yourself in terms of how well you have handled your attitude and feelings.  Remember that negotiation is as much about emotions and how you approach your partner as it is about the issue you are negotiating.  Even if you don’t read the book you can use this checklist to improve your skills in this area.

Rate yourself:

I’ve put this here to show you the checklist.  All the self-rating charts are also at the end of this book in the appendix for you to make copies.

Rate your self on the scale below

Attitudes & Emotions

These guidelines have worked well for other couples, so go ahead and give it a try and see how you can make it work for you.

If you have any questions don’t hesitate to email me at:

drMarty@comcast.net

Attitudes & Emotions Check list

Many of these attitudes and emotions are common sense, but under pressure we are distracted and forget how important these attitudes and emotions are. This chart can be used as a way to remind and rate your self about having the right attitudes and emotions.

I’ve put this here to show you the checklist.  All the self-rating charts are also at the end of this book in the appendix for you to make copies.

Rate yourself:

Attitudes & Emotions  

little                                           a great deal

Hope this helps with your next negotiation with your partner.

Emotional Goals in Relationships

This material is taken from my most recent book   “The Essential Guide to a Lasting Marriage” published by Alpha press.

Strong relationships have “emotional goals”.  Below are four emotional goals that good relationships have, you may want to develop your own that specifically fit your relationship.

1. Partners look for ways to nurture each other every day.

Small things can make or break a relationship.  Consistency and regularity are also important, not to get swept away with doing daily tasks at the expense of having a close relationship.

2. Partners time in their own head to appreciate your partner.  It is easy to see things that are upsetting and deal with set backs that happen in every relationship,  we need to remind ourselves, on a regular basis, of reasons to be grateful about being with our partner

3. Individuals find ways to pleasantly surprise their partner.  Spending time each week to think about how we can do something nice that is unexpected.  It doesn’t have to be something big, it does have to be something thoughtful, that is what you did or got for your partner shows thought on your part.

4. Partners look at their “intimate life” on a regular basis.

Asking  questions like:

A. “Do I feel both physically and emotionally satisfied with my partner?

B. Do I think that my partner is satisfied as well?

To often sexual connection is an after thought and in fact that closeness is lost or very disappointing.  It is not absolutely necessary that couples have a good sex life, but it sure helps when there is one and it adds risk to the strength of the relationship when there isn’t one.

Above are examples of “emotional goals” that couples can have.

 Love takes thought and effort. Like an emotional bank account – We can only withdraw based on what we deposit

Let me know what you think.

Dr. Marty

Dr. Marty’s “Love Letter”

Here’s an easy technique that I suggest to some of my clients to help them to strengthen their relationship.  Three days a week, you can do this more frequently if you like, fold a piece of paper in half and then place it on the table so your partner has to open it to read what you’ve written. Write the following two things:

1. “Something I liked or appreciated about you.”

We thrive on positive feedback. Too often we are so busy with life we forget to give our partner positive feedback.  Interesting enough may of us find the time to give our partner negative feedback.

2. “Something that I would really like you to do”.

It is important here to be specific, and simple.

I often hear from couples “I’ve asked him/her a thousand times to ….. (You fill in the blank)” There are several things different in this case

A. It’s a request not a demand.

Often we come across as telling the other person that they ‘should’ do what we want rather than we would really appreciate them for doing “it”  (even if the request is something that your partner is suppose to do)

B. The request is accompanied by something we appreciate about our partner. (The first part of the “Love Note”)

C. If the person doesn’t comply with our request we don’t make a big deal of it and get angry with them.

D. If the person does do what we ask, it is important to let them know you appreciate what they’ve done.

Love is a feeling we have, that feeling can be increased when we see that our partner has done something that is significant to us.

Love is not only something we say, it is something we do!

The Man Who Lied to His Computer:  What we can learn about human relationships from our computers.                                                                                                               By Clifford Nass,  Ph.D.

Sounds impossible, I mean how do you lie to your computer? Clifford Nass is a brilliant social psychology researcher that has discovered how to get some really reliable results to some very interesting questions.

Dr. Nass demonstrates how socially driven we really are, even with our computers. In his book he describes how to give an effective apology by setting up an experiment with a computer. (I’ll be writing more about that in a later blog).  He talks about how tone of voice can change everything.  For instance believe it or not people complained about the voice and the gender of the voice in their GPS’s.   Nass describes how a car company got complaints about the GPS because it was a woman’s voice telling them what to do.

Dr. Nass talks about how we relate to a computer as if it is human.  In an interesting research project, it was found that people worked better with a computer program if it apologized to them.

What the research came up with was that the participants using a program that had an apology message “Sorry, that there was a problem” tended to make fewer mistakes than one that had a terse message “You are in error”.  On one level, we know that the computer is only a machine and yet on another we respond to it as it reacts to our feelings.  In an other experiment, the same results of positive accomplishment happened when tested in the use of computer games.  When the feedback was encouraging, the players had better scores and reported enjoying the game more than when the feedback was simply informational.

The book even goes into how even computers can be programmed to get better results from their users.  If we can program a computer, imagine what we can teach people about how to motivate each other.

Dr. Nass’s work is a fascinating first step in understanding both computer-human interaction as well as interaction between people.  There is no escaping the increasing impact that computers have in our life, so the more we understand this machine-man connection the more we will be able to harness that information for humankinds’ benefit

Do couples have to agree about all, most, or some issues to have a good relationship?

If you haven’t already, I want to invite you to subscribe to my free newsletter “Keeping the Spark”. This entry is taken from my 5^th issue of “Keeping the Spark”.  It’s amazing how many times couples run into issues that they can’t solve.  In therapy there isn’t a week that goes by that folks don’t get struck as to what to do when they can’t reach agreement.  This short entry will answer the important question “What do we do next, when we can’t agree?”

We know that most problematic issues (69% – see Dr. John Gottman’s research) do not get solved, they get managed.  Successful couples “agree to disagree, with out prejudice.

Happy couples are respectful of differences and realize that there way is not the only way.  The real issue is folks can disagree in an agreeable way. In other words, it’s not the final decision; it’s how the process goes. Respectful tolerance goes a long way

Agree to disagree in an agreeable way.

In my next entry I will talk about a very interesting book “The Man Who lied to his computer.  The author raises a number of fascinating points about the value of the interaction between our computers and ourselves.  Also what we can learn about people from computers.  This review will give you some information about the book and I think will encourage you to take a look at “Man’s Best Friend or Worst Enemy”- his compute

Dealing with Infidelity – Answering an  e-mail question

For the first time since I began my blog, I am going to answer one of the emails I got from someone asking me how to handle a problem that they are facing in their relationship. 

 I recently, got this email from “Christina” talking about questions she had about whether she should stay or leave her boyfriend who was cheating on her.  (Please note my answers are italicized)

Christina starts her email by saying:

I just found out a few days ago that my boyfriend has been cheating on me…In fact he has been cheating with me. I am the “outside woman”.

First of all Christina, I bet there were signs that he was cheating on you.  Here are some questions that someone can ask to get an idea as to whether or not your partner is unfaithful.  

1. Are they clear about where they are when there’re not with you? 
2. What is the quality of your “intimate life”;
3. Do you fight a lot?
4. Does your partner seem different from when you were first together.

 Christina goes on to say:

We started our relationship in January, but apparently he has had a relationship with another girl for a few years now. I went through his face book messages after I had been suspicious of how he didn’t want to put up a relationship status or let me meet his family.

I realize that you love him, but did you set boundaries?  If you did set limits were they set and followed up or just argued about? 
Christina continues:

He says that I am the one he loves; he says that he has broken up with the other girl for me. He says that he is sorry for what he did, but I think that he is only sorry that he got caught.

What is he willing to do to prove that he is really sorry?

Is he willing to be more open about where he is?

Is he willing to introduce you to his family?

Is he willing to go to a counselor with you? (I know he says he will but see if he is willing to both follow through

and to pay for the counseling)
What should I do?

Set boundaries with him, as discussed above.

Figure out what you need to be reassured that he is willing to work on regaining your trust.

Most importantly be willing to let go, if you get those strong feelings that something is wrong.

Sometimes I feel like I love him…other times I just totally hate him for what he has done to me.

It’s not about loving him it’s about being able to trust him.

This is not the first time that I have been cheated on. He is the third boyfriend that has cheated on me. I am beginning to think that maybe I am doing something wrong. Why do men continue to cheat on me? Please don’t place all men in the same category, like woman there are ones that can be trusted and ones that can’t.  The goal is to figure out which is which.

There are two questions I would have you ask yourself,

1. Do I trust my instincts and then do I follow them?

2. Can I set limits and enforce them?

Chrisina:

I want things to work for us, but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. Our entire relationship was built on lies.

He said that he is willing to go to counseling with me.
Should I stay with him? Or should I work things out?

Try counseling and the other suggestions that I’ve made and take it one step at a time.  Ask yourself, is my love stronger than my distrust.  If you really really don’t think you can ever trust this guy, end the relationship now!! If you really really love this guy, don’t decide yet; just see how things go in counseling and what your instincts tell you about how things are unfolding during the healing period.

As folks send me other emails, I will be glad to respond to those that I think might be helpful to other people as well

Good luck, looking forward to hearing from you

Dr. Marty

Face book and affairs: Making a bad situation worse? (Part II)

In yesterday’s blog I talked about the problems that Face book and other social media have created in relationships.  Today I will talk about the wrong questions folks are asking and I will suggest what the right questions are.  So here goes:

Asking the Wrong Question

So folks might ask: “Should I “forbid” my partner to go on Face book?  Or “Should I go on to their account?” You can make rules for your partner and you can check on them and in some cases that may be helpful; but often times those forces a partner to go “underground” and not to stop their behavior but to look for ways where they will not be caught.

Sometimes the only way to deal with a partner who is unfaithful is to catch them red handed, but an easier way is to take a hard look at your relationship. Be honest with yourself about the weaknesses, and begin the processor repair before the damage gets too far.

Asking the Right Questions

As a Marriage / Couples’ Counselor

I ask couples that I work with 4 questions:

1. Do you really like your partner?

2. How well do you handle fights / disagreements?’

3. Do you share the day to day stressors with each

other?

4. Do you have a good time with each other?

Though I worry about the dangers of Face book, Twitter, and MySpace, I worry more about the answers to these questions.  If you find yourself

Giving the “wrong answers” to these questions is careful; remember an ounce of prevention is with

a pound of cure.” It might be time to figure out

What you need to do answer these questions in

the “right way”.

If you play detective it means you are trying to find the criminal and once you find that they are guilty then you punish them.  Relationships don’t thrive in an atmosphere of punishment.  Couples connect with each other when there is honesty, compassion, communication, and an eye toward fixing what doesn’t work.

In ending this series I want to compare Face book and social media to the atom.  The atom can light a city if it is used properly used or it can be used to blow the same city up.

Continuing with my comparison,  a good use for social media is to reconnect with old friends, or to learn about what is going on around you. These types of uses can be very valuable.  In the end you have to decide what you want to do with this new tool because Facebook and social media is here to stay.

Facebook and Affairs: Making a bad situation worse? (Part I)

In this blog I will outline the dangers that couples’ face as a result of Facebook and other social media.  Once I have done that, in my next blog tomorrow, I will suggest some ways of relating to those issues.  It is also my hope, that this subject sparks some discussion, either privately to me or on the blog.  As this entry will illustrate, there is a problem “out there”, we can either deal with it or ignore it, ignoring it will create even more difficulties for relationships.

There is no doubt that because of social networking sites there has been an increase in divorces. Facebook has been mentioned in one out of every five marriages for online divorce petitions.  Social media in general makes it safer and easier to reach out for possible partners by making access to “old flames” so easily available.

As a Marriage & Family Counselor I have had an amazing number of clients tell me that Facebook has been involved in affairs that they have had.  Sometimes folks are looking for a former boy or girl friend.  Sometimes people go to someone’s’ page they knew and have started a conversation with them, and that conversation has led to a “close friendship” that has ended up in an emotional or even actual affair.

I know from working with many couples who are in emotional trouble, how “dangerous” Facebook can be.  It is important to note that. Facebook is not the cause of marriages breaking apart. Facebook does not arrange for “secret meetings” or booking hotel rooms.  An example of what does cause emotional distance in a relationship is:

* Lack of special time together

* Disinterest in you’re partner’s life,

* Holding grudges,

The afore mentioned issues are just some of the things that sew the seeds of destruction of a relationship.

I hear couples say that dealing with financial and family demands stop couples from being close with each other. The truth is we kid ourselves and say we are too busy and too tired to make time to be with our partner; however, having an affair takes a lot of time and energy.  So people are not too tired or busy to seek out other partners

In my next Blog I will talk about the wrong and the right questions to ask and how Facebook and other social media should be dealt with.

Anger – The Letter Technique

One of the biggest issues I deal with is helping people deal with anger.  As a result of this being a problem for people I will, on a regular basis share with you various ways of dealing with anger.  Today I will talk about what I call “The Letter Technique”.  I have taken this from my “Keeping The Spark” newsletter and would encourage you, if you have not already done so, to sign – up for the News Letter.  It is free and all you have to do is go to any page on my site and on the right hand side put your name and email address and you will receive copies of Keeping the Spark” (in your relationship).  So here is my “Letter Technique”.

Dealing with Anger

If you find yourself feeling really angry toward your partner you might write (2) letters /emails to them.

The first email/letter

In this communication say everything you feel, and don’t hold back. Get your frustration and anger out. We need to acknowledge and express how we feel.  (Don’t send this one).

The second email/letter

Now that you have gotten your negative feelings out write a second communication. This one can be toned down and you can tell your partner how upset you are.

You could say something like “I felt ______ when you _____.

Remember your feelings will have the most impact if the other person doesn’t feel attacked. 

Plan to write things out which will give you a chance to cool down and think about what you are going to say rather than blurting out something you will regret.

1. See if you can state the other person’s point of view(s) even though you don’t agree with it.

2. Say clearly and briefly what is making you angry, upset, or sad.

3. Try and end with something positive, or something that is reassuring.

Of course, we all get angry at times, and so the idea is to accept the anger and then figure out how we can get our partner to understand what we are feeling, and ultimately to try and get past the negative feelings so you can get closer to one another.

Six Steps to Handling Conflict Well                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  In this entry I’m going to share with you the approach that I use to help couples learn to deal with handling conflict.  This is an outline I give to folks, during our time together, so if any of this is unclear because we are not in counseling, please feel free to send me an email with any questions you might have.

If you decide to try this approach let me know how it works out.

Good luck

Dr. Marty

Six Steps to Handling Conflict Well

As you go through these steps remember – you get what you give! (what you give is what you get back!) As you follow the steps below you should really have a great chance of working things out.

Dr. Marty

Anger is understandable but not helpful.

1. Increases defensiveness   –   Withdrawal / attack

2. Emotional distance

Here is where you start:

1. Calm down or distract yourself
2. Understand your partner’s point of view.
3. State your partner’s point of view.
4. State your feelings, thoughts, and ideas without putting your partner down.
5. If  not unsuccessful withdraw and  calm down or distract yourself  (This is one of the hardest parts)
   Don’t villainize/ demonize your partner or put them down in your head.
6. Approach your partner when you are both calmer and in a good mood.  (This is the part where many couples fall down.)  Instead of doing this step they withdraw and hold a grudge  which comes out later.

Strategies for self talk/self thoughts

1. Remember what you like about your partner.
2. Remember their point of view.
3. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
4. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
5. Ask yourself, is it really worth it to be aggressive/judgmental.
6. Stay calm.