Your Marriage Counselor

How to Negotiate with Your Partner

Taken from “Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection
(Part 1 of 2 part series) In addition to this book being downloaded it is also available in Kindle Format on Amazon.

Stage II The Commitment Stage (Negotiation phase)

As I promised last month, for the next two entries I will be talking about the second stage in a three stage process for negotiation that I’ve developed, what I call “The Negotiation Stage” (Stage one is discussed in an earlier blog)

When you enter the Commitment Stage (after completing the work in the preparation [stage one]) you should have a pretty good idea about our own as well as our partner’s goals. In addition, you should come to the table with some creative ideas as to how relate to those ideas.

In this entry I will give you five guidelines to follow
When negotiating with your partner:

Guidelines for the Commitment
1. Realize there is more than one way to see things.
2. Value the other person’s value system. The issue might not seem serious to you, but it might be very important to the other person.
3. Focus on what your partner is saying rather than thinking about your answer or rebuttal.
4. Ask why (i.e. Why is this important to you?). Find out details – don’t argue or try to change their mind; concentrate on learning about your partner’s point of view and needs.

5. Set a standard for negotiation of Fairness.
When you start the negotiation, you can start by saying something like: “Let’s see how we can make this fair for both of us.”

In my second entry for this week I will give you 7 things not to do when negotiating with your partner

In You I Trust

“In the Essential Guide to a Lasting Marriage” I have a chapter I call “In You I Trust”.

When I talk about trust in a relationship the first thing people often think about is cheating.  Can I trust that my partner will be faithful to me?  So many movies, T.V. shows, and books are filled with couples having affairs.  Unfortunately, it’s all too common.  In this blog I will deal with trust on several other levels and in future blogs I will dedicate a lot of time to dealing with infidelity as separate topic on its own.  Today I will talk about three very different trust issues.

Can you trust yourself to love well?

The first question about trust is can you trust yourself to love well, by that I mean, do you know how to love your partner in the way they want to be loved?  If you asked your partner: “How good a job is I doing in making you feel loved?”  What grade would you get?

Can you trust your responses when you are angry at your partner?

The next trust question is: “Do you trust yourself not to be hurtful when you feel upset with your partner? Can you stay away from degrading your partner even when you are hurt or angry?  Partners remember the nasty words that are said during a fight longer than they remember what the fight was about.

Can You Trust Yourself in a Crisis?

The last trust question is: Can you trust your partner to be there for you in difficult times?  How partners handle crisis have tremendous impact on the strength of a relationship.

Handling crisis well has a far more positive impact than taking a vacation together, or what gifts you give each other. If partners are supportive of each other, “they have each other’s back” in upsetting times, they feel closer to them and couples have more of a positive bond after the crisis has passed.

Partners never forget what the other person has or has not done during dark times.  After a crisis partners have either resentment or a stronger love.    Making sure that you are there for your partner when there are difficult times goes a long way to having a positive lasting relationship.

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If you liked the entries this week, I have good news for you, I will in the weeks to come give,  I will share more material that I have covered in “The Essential Guide To A Lasting Marriage”, for now we’ll say good bye and next week I will be talking about other issues.