Your Marriage Counselor

Handling Rejection (Part 2 of a 2 part series)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 The ideas for this entry material are taken from my Relationship Rescue Manual.

In yesterday’s blog I talked about running the balance between being persistent, not giving up and not overdoing it and not making your partner feel smothered or even stalked. Below are a few more ideas about handling rejection.  I hope they are helpful for you; I’d love to hear your experiences, ideas and thoughts.

Additional Thoughts About Handling Rejection

It is also important to realize that if you don’t get the response you are hoping for, your partner may be “testing” (consciously or unconsciously) you to see if you are really committed to making a change, so it may take a while and continued efforts on your part before your partner is willing to accept your apology or allow themselves to reconnect with you.    Here a sensitive balance is necessary.  On the one hand, going into a situation expecting the best is a good start; but on the other hand, being able to accept the worst is also important.  If you don’t get the response that you hoped for it is extremely important to accept the rejection.  Remember, different people have different time tables for forgiveness.

The partner who wants to make amends is always more focused on the need to restore the relationship rather than negative feelings of anger, hurt and frustration.  The “upset partner” however, probably feels like they have been putting up with these issues for weeks, months, or even years and has reached a breaking point.  This person needs time to regain an emotional balance and it usually takes him longer to accept the repair attempts.

Even though showing your partner how you are changing is better than telling him, you will at some time, need to discuss how your partner thinks things are going in your relationship.  If your partner tells you they are not yet ready to work on the relationship it is best if you accept it with as much graciousness as possible.  Honestly accepting rejection, not faking it, is a very powerful approach.  Your patience can be a sign that you are sensitive your partner’s emotional need to have some space.   Again, showing rather than telling is a powerful way to help your partner feel closer to you.

My Relationship Rescue Manual can be purchased at Amazon on a Kindle application or directly purchased and downloaded from me at YourMarriageCounselor.com.

Handling Rejection (Part 1 of a 2 part series)

The ideas for this entry material are taken from my “Relationship Rescue Manual”.

In this blog entry, will talk about apologies and dealing with rejection of those apologies.  Please see prior entry on what makes for an effective apology.

Whether you are trying to rebuild your relationship or apologizing for something that you’ve done, one of the basic psychological issues is dealing with the potential rejection you may get from your partner. They may not be ready to accept your apology and you will have to deal with the rejection of your efforts.

As you are working at reconnecting with your partner it is very important that you have strategies to deal with your partner’s rejection or you might strike back or withdraw from them.

Research in this area has found that men are three times more likely than women to give up on a relationship and less likely to try different techniques to repair the situation.  If you are a man, be warned not to give up, even if you experience rejection from your partner.

It is important to realize that each of us may be ready to forgive at different times and the forgiveness often occurs in stages.  Your partner may be considering lowering the barriers but is still cautious and doesn’t want to become too vulnerable.  You may want to give up just when your partner is looking for confirmation of your new commitment and change.

On the other hand, you don’t want your partner to feel pressured or worse yet, stalked.  To avoid this don’t approach them directly, but let him see that your interactions and behaviors are different. Your partner will be far more impressed by your new perspectives and personal changes if they experience them and you have refrained from continuous badgering them  .

So remember:

1. Being resilient to rejection is important.  The “race” can only be won if you don’t drop out.
2.  People forgive on their own time table and they forgive in stages.
3. Demonstrate that you are sorry rather than trying to convince your partner verbally.
4. Be aware of running, the line between being persistent and being annoying.

In part two of this article, on my next blog entry, I will give additional insights and tips about how to handle rejection.

There is addition material about having a good relationship  in My Relationship Rescue Manual can be purchased at Amazon on a Kindle application or directly purchased and downloaded from me at YourMarriageCounselor.com.

The Apology For Your “Infidelity”

Often times when I am working with a couple who is struggling with trauma of infidelity the subject of apologizing for the unfaithfulness comes up.

If you are to be taken seriously when you apology, your attitude must show genuine, deep regret.  If you feel you

are still not at that point, wait until you really are because you might not get a second chance.

Taking Responsibility for your Actions

Admit whole heartedly that you were wrong in what you did and how you regret hurting her/him but only if you earnestly feel that way.  Realize that this is just the first step.  There is still a very long ways to go to make things right again.

When you apologize and your partner wants to speak, be quiet, let them talk because they will have a lot to say about their feelings.  Part of the process is that your partner has to feel that you are open and willing to listen to them.

Explain the “Why’s”

It is crucial for your partner to hear an explanation as to why you did this.  One of the greatest fears that your partner will have is “If I forgive her/him will they hurt me again”?  If you can’t give a proper explanation about why the infidelity happened, it will make your partner feel powerless in trying to prevent any further occurrences.  So make sure you are prepared and thought out an earnest answer clearly.  This is essential in order to go on to repair the relationship further.

Realize that if there is to be forgiveness your partner must have peace of mind, and believe in you again.

Partners may ask for Details

If your partner wants the details give them.  This might be difficult for you but imagine what they are going through.  The more you hold back the more they will feel that something else is going on.

Lastly, you have to get your partner to believe that this experience is so painful that if you had to do it all over again you wouldn’t make the same choices. Of course,

only give your heart felt apology  if you really mean it, otherwise it is worthless and cruel and will come across as hollow and patronizing.

In summary, you have to be genuine, patient, a good listener, be forthcoming with details, and explain your reasons clearly.  Reconciliation in this kind of situation is not easy and you have to be prepared for your partner’s anger and confusion but you have made the first important step toward working things out.

The next step will be developing trust which I will talk about in “Step II” in this manual. ( I have taken an article on what is involved in an effective apology  from my manual “Healing from The Trauma of Infidelity” to share with my blog readers. )

My Manual “Healing from The Trauma of  Infidelity” can be purchased at Amazon on a Kindle application or directly purchased and downloaded from me at YourMarriageCounselor.com.

Bi Polar Disorder (BPD) (Part 6 of a 6 part series)

In my blog entries I have never had a six part series before, but this time because of the subject matter and the number of people that I have encountered with BPD, I felt there was a lot to be said about Bi Polar Disorder.  In fact, there is a lot more that I could and might write about in the future; but because I want the content to my blog to be helpful to a wide range of people I will limit my comments about BPD to just 6 entries.

No blog about managing BPD would be complete unless the issue of how a couple can work as team to effectively handle BPD together was addressed.

Working as a Team:

The idea here is to see both members of the couple supporting each other.   To work as a team couples need to sit down with each other and plan, strategize, and reconnect.

The first thing to do is to jointly identify triggers and patterns for the BPD behavior.  The next thing to do is to think about what has already worked. This is different from sitting down by yourself, “sometimes two heads are better than one”.  A is partners a good resource to helpidentify cues and early signs that episodes are about to occur or that they are going on.

It is not always possible to see ourselves objectively.  Human beings tend to exaggerate or minimize the impact of their behavior.  By that I mean, they either beat themselves up when  they’ve done the wrong thing,  or they rationalize whatever has happened is not that big a deal.

If some ones’ behavior is to withdraw or be come overly aggressive, it can be a problem, but it’s not necessarily the end of the world, nor should it be ignored.  Here’s where your partner can be of tremendous help.  They can put things into perspective and together the two of you can develop a plan to deal with the problems that a behavior generates.  If it’s done right, your partner can help you to get a better understanding of your situation than you get on your own.

One more issue

It is important to note that if one partner has BPD  the couple needs to become experts in communication and anger. Dealing with Bi Polar behavior is very challenging and couples will get frustrated with each other and will need to learn how to cope with those emotional bumps in the road.  In future blogs and also on the site are articles on communication and anger.

Also you can go to the “book store” on the site and can order any one of several books on these subjects.

Bi Polar Disorder (BPD) (Part 5 of a 6 part series)

This entry will focus on: becoming an expert about your own triggers and strategies, so that you can deal with BPD.

So to recap, first the person, who has BPD, must believe they have BPD and second they must be highly motivated to work on managing the disorder. Episodes of depression may be set changes in the body.  These changes may be based on physiological factors or by stress.  In some cases, both factors may play a role in generating the problem. Stress can happen as a result of issues in a relationship, at work, or with families of origin.

When I discuss helping your partner who has BPD, I will be talking about dealing with their triggers; however, it is just as important that you are able to spot your own triggers.  One of your best tools for handling your partner’s BPD is your ability for early detection not only of their moods, but of yours as well.

In therapy, we can discuss the specifics of how to do that, and in later blogs I will also talk about early identification techniques.  The idea here is that the more aware you are of your inclination to get upset, to blow up, or to withdraw, the more able you will be to handle your own responses.

Self awareness is as critical as having a good relationship with your partner who has BPD. Managing BPD is going to take a lot of skill with a wide range of techniques to relate to the storm of the manic behavior and the discouragement of the depressive responses.

The place to start treatment is to keep an accurate journal of the up and down cycles.  The journal should be specific about the incidents and the behavior during those incidents. The next thing to do is to review those situation(s) and action(s) and identify early signs that the person who has BPD is about to have an episode.  The way to do this is to think of an episode then rewind the tape in your mind and look for those early cues.  Notice if they occur during particular times of the day, or under specific circumstances.

Lifestyle

To end this entry I want to talk about life style issues such as sleep patterns, possible addictive behavior, and social issues

A life style with little sleep or that is extremely demanding can also trigger mood swings   It is significant to note, though not all people with BPD make regular use of drugs or alcohol, it is a common behavior of people with this disorder.  Additional life style issues included and life changing events such as: moving, changing a job, illness, helping someone close to you deal with their medical problem, divorce, or loss of a loved one.  All of these factors contribute to triggering of episodes of BPD.   If your wondering which to address first the answer is the BPD must first be dealt with,  because until the mood swings are under control dealing withthe other issues will be impossible.

In my next blog entry I will be talking about working as a team with your partner, to manage the BPD.

Bi Polar- for the person with BPD (Part 4)

The first question for you to answer is: Do you think you have BPD”? The next question to ask is: “If you think you do have the disorder, how important is it for you to work on dealing with your BPD?”  The reason we want to start here is that it will take a lot of work be able to relate effectively to the disorder.

The common wisdom is that to manage the disorder medication is strongly advised.  The literature mentions that mood stabilizing drugs are a corner stone of treatment.  One of the great dangers is that there is an elevated risk of suicide especially during depressive episodes.  To find out more information about this part of the treatment a psychiatrist should be consulted.

There is an important role for other professionals as well, such as: Psychologists, Social Workers, and Licensed Professional Counselors.  In the following entries in the next two blogs I will discuss interventions that can help with successful management of BPD.

A  Place to Start Journaling: Writing your way to health

Identify your specific symptoms. What are the early warning signs? Do they happen in particular situations, at certain times?  To do this it is very helpful to keep a journal.  Here is an excellent place where you can use the help of people who are close to you.  Think about who you trust and respect.  Ask that person(s) to help you with your journal.  Talk with them about helping you to answer the questions just mentioned.

To deal effectively with BPD we have to take a three pronged approach; they need to relate to the depressive and manic sides of the disorder, as to the universal symptoms that apply for both sides of the bi polarity.

Some signs of depression:

1. Not wanting to be around other people                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            (assuming that that is not a usual pattern)

1. Thinking “What’s the point”
2. Everything seems boring
3. Low or no sexual desire
4. No goals or direction
5. Feeling unloved

Subtle signs of manic behavior

1. Sudden bursts of anger
2. Racing thoughts
3. Unusual spending
4. Decreased Need for Sleep
5. More aggressive
6. Excessive impulsive behavior

Universal signs

1. Strong need for addictive substances
2. Bad sleeping patterns
3. Change in eating patterns

Emotional Self Regulation

To effectively manage you need to learn

Emotion-regulation skills: Learning how to change

emotions so that emotions that hurt are replaced by

the emotions that give you relief and a positive quality of life  more.

This process involves how you learn relate to your body being in a state of high tension as well as being aware and learning how to deal with the words in your head when you talk to your self.

 Depression vs Hopefulness

There are two parts to this process:

Part I Awareness of self talk

The idea here is to become aware of what you are telling yourself to make yourself feel  hopeless and then begin to notice how you need to answer them. Sometimes folks can do this on their own often though it is more complicated and it is necessary to have a trained professional to walk you through the process.

Part II  Awareness of body sensations.

Feelings are not only emotions in our mind but they are also physical sensations in our bodies that send messages to our brains that we having a certain feeling (i.e. sadness, hopelessness).  By tracking the sensations in our body we can develop a strategy to relate to those sensations.  To name a just a few possibilities physical workouts, self talk, guided imagery, or relaxation exercises

Bi Polar Disorder – Triggers and Addiction

In the last blog for this week I will be addressing the issues of triggers and addiction.

Triggers

As I will discuss in the section focused on the person who has BPD, triggers play an important role in both depressive and manic episodes, so to help your partner it is important that you be aware of those triggers.  To heighten your awareness of these triggers I will encourage you and your partner each to keep a journal that tracks the BPD episodes.  The purpose of this journal is to specifically pinpoint exactly what is happening with your partner when they are in a difficult place as a result their BPD.  A word of caution this information is to be used carefully and in the beginning should be shared during a therapy session and then as time goes by, with the guidance of a trained therapist can be used in additional ways.   Triggers can occur at home, work or school.  Some examples of triggers can be: arguments, traveling (especially across time zones), tests, dealing with financial issues, any change that your partner is going through, deaths, friends moving away or change of job.  In addition time of day, level of tiredness, hunger, low blood sugar, and seasons also can serve as triggering situations.  The idea here is to be mindful of what is going on around you and to be careful in tracking the triggering variables.

 Addictions and BPD

One of the most difficult things about BPD is that individuals with the disorder are vulnerable to addictions such as: excessive spending, drug and alcohol abuse and gambling.

As a partner of someone who has  BPD you have to learn how to protect yourself and your children from the dangers of these excessive behaviors.

How to deal with a partner’s addiction(s) and or excessive spending patterns is an on-going discussion.  Engaging in addictive behavior is a strategy that people with BPD often use.  When someone is in their manic phase they may well go on shopping or gambling sprees, when they are depressed they may use certain drugs or drink excessively.  These addictive behaviors are either attempts on the person with BPD, to cope with their mood swings or acting out what they are experiencing.

At some point I will write additional material about this area. Feel free to contact me if you would like me to send that material as I develop it.

In future blogs will be directed to: the person with BPD and how does a couple work as team to effectively manage BPD.

If you have questions about this material feel free to contact me and will be glad to talk with you about how to get help for the issues that you are encountering in dealing with the Bi Polar Disorder.

Bi Polar Disorder (BPD) (Part 2 of a 6 part series)
This entry will focus on the partner of the person who is afflicted with BPD.

In this section I will deal with:
• Anger and BPD
• The importance of self care
• Communication with a partner who has BPD.

If you are married to someone with BPD their “up” and “down” phases are draining, each for their own reasons. As a result of the both physical and emotional demands that occur because of the disorder, people with BPD can be difficult to live with.

Anger and Anger Management
Having a relationship with someone who is bi polar is very frustrating. If you are the partner of someone who has this order it is a sure bet that you are going to get angry. One essential area a person who has a partner who is suffering from BPD is, having a strong understanding and anger management skill set. Knowing how to develop “an early warning system” and then what to do when that alarm goes off is important part of having a strong relationship.

Many people make the mistake and think that the only thing they need is to be reasonable and to have patience. To have strong anger management skills means knowing exactly what to and what not to do when your partner is being unreasonable, difficult, or just a pain. Know the physiology of anger and how to be aware of your own anger patterns takes work.

Self Nurturing
The place to start for the partner is with self care and a sense of personal balance. Ask yourself:
“How stressed am I?” “How nurtured do I feel, not only by my partner, but by myself, and by my world”. One of the strategies for self nurturing is
Learning about stress management. There are many techniques that can be used to deal with the pressure that happens when you have a high maintenance relationship that is very demanding.

Communication
The next question to ask is: How well do I communicate with my partner. When they are going through their “depressive” or “manic” episodes? “Do I know what they need and the best way to help them?”.
For example when my partner is in a down place how can I help motivate them and not come across as nagging? Learning how to communicate well with a partner with BPD is a difficult task and will need a professional, so when seeking help to relate to your partner, it is important to ask the therapist their experience with Bi Polar communication issues.

“How do I not take my partner’s behavior personally?” is another skill necessary to cope with a partner who has BPD. Of course we are not machines so to some extent we will be upset by them excessively anxious or being more aggressive when they are in an “up” place. If my partner blurts out things when they are in the manic or a depressive stage, how much to I take that to heart?

My last blog for this week will be on: Triggers for BPD episodes; and addictions and BPD.

Bi Polar Disorder (Part 1 of a 6 part series)

I have decided to dedicate the next week’s entries to Bi-Polar Disorders because I work with a number of people who have BPD. (Bi Polar Disorder). BPD has very negative effects on a relationship. There are no total cures but there are ways to effectively manage BPD and the next blogs will give you an idea of what can be done to help both the individual and the relationship survive this difficult situation.

Note:
As I get response from the couples that I am working with and from my blog, I will consider writing a manual for people with BPD and their partners, so please contact me with your reaction to my entries.

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Definition of Bi Polar Disorder

Someone who is suffering from BPD will go through mood swings where on one side they have a high level of energy, overly optimistic, and their behavior is very hyper; on the other side the person is depressed (sometimes to the extreme level of being suicidal), they have a low energy level and are extremely pessimistic, perhaps anxious, sad, or guilty.

The conventional wisdom is that medication is advisable for this disorder. BPD can also have very negative effects on relationships as well. My next blog will be addressed to the partner of someone who has BPD and my last blog will talk about how the disorder itself can be treated.

Resources:
The material that I will share with you I will take from my clinical experience with individuals and couple who are struggling with this issue on an individual level and as a couple.

Here are some of the books that I am also using as references that you can also use to get additional information:
Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder by Julie fast and John Preston.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Bi Polar Disorder. By Jay Carter and Bobbi Dempsey

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide. By David L Miklowitz.

When Someone You Love is Bipolar, by Cynthia Last.

Win The Battle: The 3-step Lifesaving Formula to conquer Depression and Bipolar Disorder by Bob Olsen

Finding Your Bi polar Muse by Lana Castle

Bipolar Disorder Demystified by Lana Castle

In my next blog, I will address the partner of the person who is Bi polar. I will start with that because in my experience, the partner is most influential in getting the person afflicted with BPD into therapy. Usually the
Person themselves is engaged in denial. They are especially resistant when they are in their “manic” phase and when they are in a depressive stage they lack the emotional energy to get themselves to go for help.

Here is a list of what the other blogs will cover:

Blog # 2 – Will be focused on the partner of the person

Blog # 3 – Is geared toward the person who is struggling with BPD their symptoms and triggers (what sets off BPD episodes)

Blog#4 – For the person with BPD

Blog #5 – Identifying your own triggers

Blog #6 – Working as team with meaningful others

How to Negotiate with Your Partner
Things Not to Do In Negotiation and How Words Make All The Difference in The World. Taken from: “Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection (Part 2 of 2 part series) In addition to this book being downloaded it is also available in Kindle Format on Amazon.

Below are seven things that you should not do when negotiating with your partner.
1. Don’t criticize or judge the other person or his perspective. If you disagree you can say something like: “I don’t see it that way” or “that’s one way of looking at it.”

2. Don’t cut the other person off (tip: write down what you want to say or something your partner said that you want to respond to so you don’t forget it and so you can get it off your chest)

3. Don’t lecture the other person–make your point quickly. If you are speaking for more than three minutes, the other person stops listening. Remember the best way to communicate with someone is to talk with him not at him. As a couples’ therapist, I have seen one partner talk non-stop, not even aware of his partner’s response, and then be upset that the partner did not respond to him.

4. Don’t list what has gone wrong in the past. (Keep things on a positive note.)

5. Don’t blame the other person.

6. Focus on the problem not the other person.

7. Disengage if you are both starting to get angry.

Using the “Right Words” in Negotiating make all
the difference in the world below are 4 important words that if used correctly will make a tremendous difference in the outcome of your negotiation.

1. Use “I” and take ownership of what
you’re saying.

2. Ask rather than state your idea. You can do that by saying: “What if….” Or, “Which do you think is better?”

3. The Bad “Buts”
Whenever you say something to your partner that is followed by a “but,” you have just negated and cancelled out what you previously said.

For example if you say to your wife, “I love you, but you are really sloppy,” what she hears is, “You are sloppy;” and the love part is lost. In another example, if you say, “I’m looking forward to going out tonight, but I’m really tired.” Your wife hears “I’m really tired,” and thinks you don’t really want to go out with her.

4. The Good “Yet”
On the other side of the communications coin there are some wonderful words such as “yet” or “right now.” If you use this word and really mean it, “yet” can be a powerful, positive force when communicating with your partner.

For example, the impact is much different if your wife asks you to listen, and you respond, “I’m overwhelmed right now and not ready to listen to you “yet,” than if you say “I’m too upset and can’t listen to you.” Your “yet” or “right now” statement is clearly implying that there will be a time in the future when you will be able to listen.

Right now I am working on something completely different for my blog entries for next week. Next week,
I will be discussing Bi Polar Disorders(BPD); a definition of BPD, suggestions for someone married to a person with BPD, how to manage BPD for the person who has the disorder.