Your Marriage Counselor

Dangerous Myths about Marriage

In my book, “The Essential Guide to A Lasting Marriage”. I discuss a number of myths that people have about relationships.  Often times myths can become realities if we believe them.

People have a lot of mistaken ideas about marriages; below I’m going to list 3 myths and the dangers to a marriage when people believe them.

Myth #1 – Less sex means that couples love each  

other less.  The reality is that less sex may mean that you may be stressed or having problems in other areas of your life that are draining your energy, or you may be over extended

Danger of this myth - If you believe that your partner loves you less because physical intimacy has decreased then you might feel angry or insecure and you may not approach your partner in a constructive way

Having less intimacy with your partner may be a wake-up call so it shouldn’t be ignored, discussion is a good thing. Working out an issue with your partner is one great way of strengthening your relationship.

If you approach your intimacy as an issue to be figured out together it will strengthen your relationship.

Myth #2    If someone has an affair the relationship is over.   The reality  is 75 to 80 percent of couples stay together.

Danger of this myth – If you believe the relationship can’t survive then you might stop trying to do what it takes to heal the relationship. (See my book “Helping Relationships and Marriages Heal from the Trauma of Infidelity” (For Unfaithful Partner).  However, if you are willing to work at “fixing” what’s wrong, couples are able to build even stronger relationships.

Sometimes it takes a tragedy to get things to change

The work ahead is difficult, but it can be an opportunity, if both partners are willing, to create a new relationship  where folks can learn to fall back in love with each other.

Myth #3 Never go to bed angry.                                                               The reality is we all have our own emotional clocks, some people are quick to anger and quick to forgive, others are slow to anger and slow to forgive, and still others are quick to anger and slow to forgive

 Danger of this myth: It’s a great suggestion if you can do it, you may even have it as a goal, but many of us take a while to cool off.  A premature apology or reconciliation will come off as phony and not heart felt.  The other side of this is, that holding grudges are toxic to relationships. Forgiveness is the glue that holds relationships together.

Speaking of forgiveness, forgiveness is only meaningful if we learn from our mistakes and make  Strong efforts to both make amends for what we have done wrong and work hard at not repeating our mistakes.

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There are many more myths that we have about marriage. If we believe them, that belief will shape our actions, and the myth will become a self fulfilling prophecy

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On my last entry for the week I will talk about trust and relationships.

See you tomorrow.

Dr. Marty

“The Essential Guide to A Lasting Marriage”

I am pleased to announce the publishing of my new book  “The Essential Guide to A Lasting Marriage” published by Alpha press.  In my next three posts for this week I am going to share some of material that is in the book.  If you are interested the book it can be purchased on Amazon.

*Note when I refer to Marriage I am also talking about long term relationships.

The place to start to have a lasting relationship is to realize that every relationship goes through change and couples need to learn how to adapt to those changes

Here is a list of changes that can happen in relationships:

• Change in financial situations
• Change in work situations
• Children
• Change in health
• Shifting view of the world as we age or mature
• Change in definitions of love
• Family deaths

The key to having a lasting relationship is to see these changes / challenges as a “we” issue and getting through them together as a team.  Everything that happens to one person in the relationship affects the other person.  Couples need to focus on a combination of solutions and supports.  Each person needs to look for resources and answers to issues rather than looking for blame.  They have to be emotionally sensitive to the fact that sometimes what is necessary is just to be patient and forgiving.  When we are under pressure often times we are not our best selves.  One important thing is to not hold grudges.

If one person is going through certain challenges they are not always going to behave well.  For the person who is going through the challenges, it is helpful to let their partner know what is happening in their head.  To explain why they are upset or to let their partner know what they are thinking.  It also helps to be both appreciative and apologetic toward your partner as they are being supportive.

In the book,  I talk about four stages that relationships go through and strategies to get through those phases. Here are the four stages

Stage I “The Honeymoon Days”

Stage II “Settling In”

Stage III “Facing Life’s Challenges”

Stage IV   “Growing Old Together”

Where your relationship is and what specific challenges is your relationship going through? 

Being able to identifying what challenges you are facing as a couple is a good starting place for having a lasting relationship.  The book will explore the various phases and strategies to handle those “bumps in the road” that couples face as they go through these four stages.

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In my next entry, I will talk about some of the myths that people have about good relationships.  Knowing what is really going on in your relationship will be a valuable tool to help you to strengthen your relationship.

Keeping Judgments to a Minimum

This is an excerpt from my “Relationship Rescue Manual”

Another key element in making relationships work is having verbal exchanges that are non-judgmental.  When we were growing up we often heard judgmental types of message from our parents.   They would say things such as: “Don’t be lazy, do your homework;” or “What’s wrong with you, can’t you listen to anything I say?”  It’s easy, if not natural, to pick up habits based on our childhood experiences and often, we don’t even realize that we are being judgmental.

Judgmental types of communication are also triggered when one partner is feeling hurt or angry.  When we feel that our significant other is negatively judging us, we feel diminished and devalued and the result is a defensive or passive-aggressive response.   We also stop listening and the argument and bad feelings are no longer about the original subject of discussion but are about “ego repair.”   We actually become focused on trying to feel better about ourselves.   These are the difficult times because negative statements cannot be taken back, even if we make an apology.   It can take a great deal of repair work to fix the damage done by disparaging ego statements.

Ego repair can be an extremely difficult task and the offenders will have their work cut out for them.  They will need to modify their behavior or their partners will continue to respond in a negative manner and feel emotionally damaged as well.   It can also be difficult for those who have been offended.  They are the injured party and yet if they say something hurtful in return, they too are now responsible to do some ego repair.  The offended partners are in a real bind; they are the ones who have been injured and yet cannot sit back and do nothing.

Now that you have some basic information about relationships, it is time to start your journey toward the ultimate goal – the “Rebirth Stage.”  Be mindful though, that it is not about “fixing” things so your relationship returns to where it used to be.  It is about creating something far better; a relationship full of trust, security and passion and ultimately, a deeper love.

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Please feel free to comment on my article,  or if you are interested in purchasing my “Relationship Rescue Manual ” you can go to: http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/rescue/

Not Telling Your Partner Something They Already Know

It is essential to understand that when you are frustrated or angry about an issue and repeat to your “meaningful other” something he already knows, it will have a negative effect on the relationship.  Men in particular often experience this as nagging.   For example, restating the obvious with statements such as, “You have to do your taxes or you’ll be in trouble;” or “I told you we are lost, why didn’t you ask for directions?” will often result in a counter attack or withdrawal into angry silence.

To help avoid these types of responses it is most important that you deal with your own feelings of frustration.   A statement about your feelings and reactions rather than an accusatory statement are the ideal way to communicate this information.   Let’s go back to the statement, “You have to pay your taxes.”   This might be heard more positively by saying, “Do you want me to help you get some of your receipts together?” or “Do you want me to remind you about the deadline date with the taxes?”  When you are lost and you feel really frustrated because your partner made an stupid   obvious mistake and if only they had listened to you, you wouldn’t have wasted an hour going around in circles.

Saying “If you had listened to me in the first place we would have been there already” will only add oil to the fire and cause more of an explosion.  However, saying “I’m tired annoyed and frustrated I’m upset that you didn’t listen to me” is expressing how you feel and what you want without putting your partner down.

An attempt to help with the solution rather than saying something that could be perceived as a criticism gives the other person some control over future communications about the taxes.  The more options people feel they have the less defensive or angry their response is likely to be.

I will end my entries for this week by talking about how to deal with being judgmental.

It is only normal to make judgments and to have opinions; however how and when to relate to that part of our behavior is crucial in being able to maintain a positive relationship with our partner.

My focus this week will be what couples can do to make their relationships strong ones.

The Importance of Influence in a Relationship

Introduction

If you ask folks what they think is important in a good relationship, they will probably not include this in their list and yet it is one of the most essential factors in a good relationship.  In strong relationships each partner must feel as if they can influence their partner.

The Importance of Influence in a Relationship
As a marriage counselor I often hear “She doesn’t listen to me;” “She’s going do what she wants no matter what I say.”  All of us want to feel that we have influence over our partner.  This does not mean however, that our partner has to do everything we want or agree with us on everything.  It does mean though, that we need to believe our partner has heard us.
Having influence is especially important when a marriage is on the verge of ending.  We all need to feel that a great deal of thought and weight is given to our perspective and that the other person takes our opinions seriously.  Letting your partner know that you have given thought to your conversations can go a long way.   Statements such as, “I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I have been thinking a lot about what you said;” or “Even though I don’t agree with you I think you are right about…” are much less likely to produce negative feelings in your partner.   These statements don’t mean you completely agree, but that you have given thought to your partner’s opinions and ideas, they are important to you, and you have spent some time thinking about them.

In my next post, I will talk about an  important thing, not to do and yet we find ourselves doing it all the time.  One more hint, when you do this you make your partner feel like they are stupid and inadequate, and you are being their parent.

One of The Most Important Elements in A Successful Relationship: Feeling Accepted.  (Part II of II part series).  This material is taken from my book “Relationship Rescue Manual”.  To learn more about this book you can go to:

http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/rescue/

In yesterday’s blog, I talked about the importance of feeling accepted and action that can be taken to incorporate that information in your relationship.  Today we will talk about actions to avoid and then the implication the need to be accepted has on couples’ fighting.

 Action to Avoid: Stay away from saying things that your partner will hear as criticism.

The importance of looking for something positive about your partner is a simple guideline you can consistently follow in your journey towards rebuilding your relationship.  This doesn’t mean you don’t get upset or disagree, but that you communicate these thoughts and feelings in a way that does not make your partner feel devalued.

Fights and feeling accepted

A particularly vulnerable time for relationships can be during disagreements and fights.  These can occur because of different points of view, something that one person forgets to do, or actions that are annoying, offensive, or hurtful.  While fighting is an important part of a relationship it is also dangerous because there is strong possibilities of saying hurtful things that can make your partner feel devalued.  To avoid this, the conversation needs to focus on the specific issues at hand.   It is especially helpful if you find something positive to say about your partner even though you are expressing disagreement.  The following examples state the area of disagreement but also acknowledge your partner in some way:   “I know you want our home to look nice but I’m concerned about the expense;” or “I know how important it is to you to have a nice car, but I’m upset that it will put us into debt.”  People are different and their priorities vary.   The goal here is to discuss the differences and be clear that while you do not agree with your partner’s priority, you respect it.  You can disagree in an agreeable way.   In fact, some good relationships are characterized by an on-going expression of differences.   People in these relationships often say, “We fight all the time.  We need to express ourselves and get our problems out in the open.”

The success of these couples though is most likely due to the way that their “fighting” is done.

To further explain how this can work I will take the story of Mark and Anna, who are separated. When Mark comes to visit, he sees Anna correcting the children and feels that she should leave them alone.  The best way for Mark to handle this would be to say something such as, “It’s hard for me to see you speaking like that to Sally (their child), but I know you have your reasons. I may not agree, but I do understand that’s it important to you.”  Yes, there can be trouble with this exchange, but it will at least limit the conflict more than if Mark said, “Why don’t you just leave Sally alone?”  That statement does not allow for differences and does not acknowledge Anna’s perspective and causes even more distance between them.

There are such things as good fights and bad fights in later posts I will talk about the differences between styles of fights

One of The Most Important Elements in A Successful Relationship: Feeling Accepted.  (Part I of II part series) This material is taken from my book “Relationship Rescue Manual”.  To learn more about this book you can go to: http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/rescue/

In this post I will talk about one of the most important factors in a having a relationship that works well, which is feeling accepted.

Feeling accepted is important for two reasons: first, because we all want to feel valued and when our partner accepts us that makes us feel worthwhile as human beings; on the other hand when we don’t feel accepted from the person who is suppose to know us the best and be the closest to us it can really make us feel worthless. The second reason that being accepted is so critical to having a good relationship is that if our partner continues not to accept us there is a great chance that they will leave us.  Always worrying that we are not good enough is a serious threat to feeling safe and comfortable with our partner.

People get married or make long-term commitments because they want to feel accepted and validated and to feel good about themselves.  The guideline for all relationships is: Relationships go well when partners are making each other feel valued.  Everything else flows from this core reality.  When one partner says something to make the other feel valued and important it strengthens the relationship. In contrast, when one partner says something negative and causes the other to feel badly (regardless of small it may seem), it breaks down the relationship.

Action to take using this information:  Keeping this in mind, you can begin working on improving your relationship by looking for things to say that will make your partner feel valued.  For example: “Mary, you are working hard at not yelling when you talk to me;” or “Jack, I appreciate that you are calling before you come over to the apartment.”  Look for something that your partner is doing well and be positive about it.  The caution here is to be genuine and not patronizing.

In my next post I will talk about Action to avoid and I will also discuss how to fight and still make our partner feel accepted.  Tune in tomorrow to find out about how to fight without damaging your relationship.

Do Couples Have to Agree to Be Happy?

There is a common misconception that couples that agree with each other are happier than couples who constantly have disagreement.

Here is what the research about “happy” couples  has found:                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Most problematic issues (69% – see Dr. John Gottman’s research) do not get solved, they get managed.  Successful couples “agree to disagree, with out prejudice.  When I say without prejudice, I mean that even though you think the other person may be totally wrong you do not belittle the other person.

To dig a little deeper,”without prejudice” means not only do we not put the other person down when we are talking with them, that in the conversation in our heads (that’s where all the action really is) we do not think of the other person as being stupid or stubborn.  We realize that even if we think our partner is wrong, their point of view has legitimacy for them and we approach them with that understanding.

Happy couples are respectful of differences and realize that there way is not the only way.  The real issue is folks can disagree in an agreeable way. In other words, it’s not the final decision, it’s how the process goes.

Respectful tolerance goes a long way

How Do I know that this is my intuitive self or another part of me?

 False Intuition

False intuition comes from the voices in our head, from judgmental parents, teachers or bosses.  Sometimes the voices we hear and the feelings we experience are driven by our own fear(s) and or self doubt.

The way we can tell if these are false voices if we feel tense, anxious or generally uncomfortable when we follow these messages. People report that “‘it’ just doesn’t feel right in my gut”. If you are tense and your muscles are tight and you feel jittery then that’s not your intuition, probably your fear and or anxiety.

Positive Signs that you are in Touch With Your Intuitive Self

In contrast, to “False intuition” we know that we are experiencing “Genuine Intuition” when following the advise/ vision results in a sense of peacefulness. Having a quiet mind” is a sure sign that we are on the right track.  To have what I call “Rational Intuition” we need to be sensitive to the messages we are giving ourselves and then trust that information.

People report that they know when they have truly been in touch with their intuition,  they say things like: “I feel a sense of relief” “I have a feeling of being free and peaceful”; “I feel like I’m in a flow”or “in the zone”.

Lastly, when we are truly connected with our intuition when we have a clear vision of what we should do next. Oprah, “For all the moves in my life- to Baltimore, to Chicago, to my own show, and to end it, I trusted my instincts.” What a great example of having a clear vision and knowing exactly what course to take.

If you feel calm, at peace, maybe even have an “inner smile” you are definitely in touch with your intuitive self and are using your intuition well.

The first step to using and improving your intuition is to be able to easily identify what is going on when you feel that deep down you know that something is right or very wrong.

 What if You Can’t Get In Touch With Your “Intuitive Self” or you get negative or mixed signals from your “voices” and your body.

The place to start is to ask yourself why you’re not ready. Meditate on that for awhile simply asking yourself: “Why am I blocked from getting in touch with my intuition?”

Possible reasons for being blocked are:

A. You may need more time.

B. You may need more information.

C.  The honest answer may be too difficult to

handle.

D. You may be too tired physically or emotionally

to accept the answers you get.

It is important to accept you’re lack of readiness and not try and push an intuition or you might get an answer that won’t be based on intuition but based on what you think is “right” or an appropriate answer.

We All Get Better With Practice

Another important key is to practice using your intuition.  Begin your practice by working on simple things:

1. Guess what time it is without looking at a clock.
2. See if on meeting or just looking at someone you don’t know if you can “intuit” what kind of person they are.
3. Close the lights in a room and see if you can

remember where things are.

You don’t even have to know the answer, the idea here is just to practice access that part of your brain.

Intuition is like a muscle, the more you use it and get comfortable with it the stronger it gets and the easier it is to access it.

So after having read this do you think you are better equipped to answer the questions that were raised in the beginning, which were:

1. Can you give a definition of intuition?

2. Are there different types of intuition?

3. Is intuition something we can stimulate, and if so how?

4. Can we mistake intuition for something else? If so what would

cause us to be confused about what is really intuitive and what is

not?

5. How do we know when we are really being guided by our

intuition?

6. Why do we have trouble accessing our intuition?

I will end with the most important question of all:

Are you ready to begin to work on strengthening your

“intuition muscle”; it works for Oprah and it can for you.

How to get in touch with your intuion

In this blog I will discuss the steps that can help you get in touch with your intuition.

Step 1 –  Self Affirmation

• Get in touch with what you like about yourself,
• Think of what you’re proud of about yourself (present and  past successes)

People tend to be able to think more clearly when they are in touch with their positive self.  To the degree you can find you’re positive self is the degree to which you are in a place to get in touch with your 6^th sense.

Step 2 –  Get yourself in a calm state

• Stop what you’re doing and find your calm space.
• Meditation is also valuable in getting yourself to be relaxed.

Intuitive abilities will work well when someone is someone has their energy free to focus on their intuition.

Step 3 – Flow

• There are many techniques to accomplish this; the objective is to feel as though you are part of process,

• The Zen expression would be “to be one with the experience”, to be mindful and not judgmental.  To be totally immersed in the experience.

If you want more information about Flow you can read:

” Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience” by

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

• Lastly, Become a neutral observer and notice don’t try

and force an intuitive response.

Note: There are many different techniques you can use to complete each of the above steps.  If you would like us to work together using other approaches to: access your positive self, get calmer, be in flow, call or email me and we can discuss what else you can do to get to these emotional places.

Two Different Uses for Intuition

At this point I want to talk about two uses of intuition:

• The first way we can use our intuition is when we have no idea of what’s going on or what we should do next; I will call this “Situation Confusion”.
• The second situation is when we have several options and you don’t know which to choose. “Decision Confusion”

After you have completed the first three steps mentioned, the fourth step to using your intuition for dealing with “Situational Confusion” is: “Learning and Exploration”.

Learning and Exploration for “Situational Confusion”

Start by thinking specifically what question you want answered.

 Note: Some people benefit from writing down the question. The purpose of this is to help focus you for your intuition.

Step 4  – Gathering Information

The next thing to do is to get information about the situation. You might think about similar situations in the past specifically and what’s worked and what hasn’t. Explore other places and talk to people where you can get more information. In Oprah’s August 2011 issue  of her magazine “O” says: “I take in all the information that I can gather. I listen to proposals, and advise.”

Step 5 –  Incubate

Let your ideas hatch. Now it’s time to go on auto pilot. Let go and think about other things.  Some people call this “background processing”.  Trust your unconscious to give you at least a new perspective or often times it will give you the answer “gift wrapped” in an “Aha” moment.

Step 6 –  Decide, Set a plan, and Enact The Plan 

Intuition will serve you when it turns into a plan that you take action on.

Later on I will give you some thoughts about what’s going on when the process doesn’t work.

Intuition for “Situational Confusion”:

Using your intuition when you have several choices and you don’t know which one to choose. Use steps 1 – 3 as mentioned above.

 Step 7  – Imagine each choice

Each choice has its consequences and implications in as much detail as possible. You might even want to write/ type out the details.   As you explore each option notice:

1. The internal voice in your head.
2. Physical sensations in your body.
3. Resistance to thinking about a specific option and its details.
4. Your emotional response as your thinking about that possibility.

Now we can go back and use the same the process that I have given for “Situational Confusion” (which I restate so that it’s easier to follow):

Step 8  - Incubate Let your ideas hatch

Now it’s time to go on auto pilot. Let go think about other things.  Some people call

it “background processing”.  Trust your unconscious to give at least give you a new perspective or often times it will give you the answer “gift wrapped” in an “Aha” moment.

 Step 9 – Decide, Set a plan, and Enact The Plan 

Intuition will serve you when you turn it into a plan that you take action on.