Archive for July, 2011
Healing from Infidelity (Part III of III)
Healing from Infidelity (Part III of III)
Some final thoughts about Infidelity Myths.
Part of Couples / Marital therapy is to separate what are myths and are realities. When looking for a therapist to work with it is important that the counselor has a lot of experience in this area. Counseling couples to heal from unfaithfulness is a highly charged emotional process.
It’s like walking a high wire, a slip could be disastrous.
Three questions you might ask the therapist / counselor
1. How can I build trust going forward with my spouse?
2. What would tell you that my partner is having an affair vs.
just flirting?
3. How do I know if my partner who is having an affair is or is not a sex addict?
Hearing the counselor’s response to the above questions will give you an idea about how familiar they are with infidelity counseling.
When you call the therapist you may want to have your own questions as well to both “test” the counselor’s knowledge and to see if there responses make sense to you.
Some final final thoughts on healing from infidelity
The process of healing takes time, and sometimes a long time.
When couples understand what went wrong and what to do about it, then they can work on recapturing the closeness they once had.
For things to get better folks have to go beyond the destructive myths and move toward building a new and positive relationship.
There will be more new information about healing from infidelity, in the upcoming months in future blogs.
For now you can go to my free video on infidelity at: http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/category/infidelity/ .
You can also get additional information from my Manual “Helping Relationships and Marriages Heal from the Trauma of Infidelity at:
http://www.yourmarriagecounselor.com/helping-relationships-and-marriages-heal-from-the-trauma-of-infidelity/
Good luck and let me know if you have any questions
Take care,
Dr. Marty
Healing From Infidelity (Part II of III)
Healing from Infidelity (Part II of III)
This blog is a continuation of Myths about Infidelity. The only way couples will be able to cope with the Trauma of infidelity is to be able to understand what is actually involved. The more that couples understand the more equipped they will be able to get to a better place to rebuild their relationship.
Myth #4 – This is the fourth myth in this series.
I’ll never be able to trust my partner again. – False.
People trust in stages, so as time goes by, and they can see that the unfaithful partner is really working on being trustworthy by their actions, things can start to change if both are willing to put a concerted effort into it.
Myth #5 The reason cheating happens is because the person has fallen out of love with their partner. – False
In some cases people have stopped loving their partner, but sometimes staying comes from loneliness, anger or even boredom. These reasons don’t justify being intimate with another person, but it is important to understand the root cause, before folks are able to work on fixing the problem. If you just assume that there is no love, then that automatically may end the marriage.
Relationships that have been scared by infidelity may have a chance for recovery if the partners realize that the reasons that triggered the infidelity can, over time, with lots of effort can be effectively be gotten past.
Myth #6 If there isn’t sex then there isn’t an affair
Technically that may be correct, but relationships are made up of far more than technicalities. There is what I call an “Emotional Affair”. Emotional Affairs are very dangerous to relationships in that it is not only a physical thing, the affair involves feelings and even if the person hasn’t acted on their feelings, they have those feelings and a person can’t have a strong relationship when they have connection to two different people.
In my next blog, I’ll be talking about finding the right therapist to help you through the crisis of unfaithfulness in your relationship and I’ll be suggesting some additional resources that you can use to help rebuild your relationship.
See you tomorrow,
Dr. Marty
Healing from Infidelity (Part I of III)
Healing from Infidelity (Part I of III)
This week I am going to dedicate my blog to myths about infidelity. I will be taking material from my book “Helping Relationships and Marriages Heal From The Trauma Of Infidelity” (For Unfaithful Partner).
There are many popular myths about infidelity that are destructive to a relationship that is trying to be restored. I have listed them here so that you can distinguish the myths from the truths.
Myth #1
If someone has an affair their marriage is over – False.
Researchers have found that only 20 – 25% of divorces are caused by affairs, and 75 to 80% of couples stay together after the affair is over. The real reason that couples divorce is that they feel distant from one another and do not know how to reconnect, and they feel so alienated that they end their relationship.
Myth #2
Most affairs are sexually driven – False.
People have affairs for emotional reasons. They feel ignored by their partner, and not cared about, and even angry, and do not know what to do with these feelings.
Myth #3
Once a cheat always a cheat. – False.
It may feel that way at first, but many unfaithful partners are ashamed of themselves. Often they are glad to be discovered. The affairs are a symptom of a troubled marriage and once the problems are related to the need to look outside of the marriage is eliminated.
In my next entry I will be talking about a myths connected to: trusting your partner; to falling out of love with your partner; and to “Emotional Affairs”.
See you tomorrow,
Dr. Marty
Strength of Relationship Quiz (Part III of III part series)
Strength of Relationship Quiz
(Part III of III part series)
In this last entry for this week is the last set of questions for you to consider as well as the scoring key:
12. I often tell my partner how much I care about them.
(true) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (not true)
13. I trust my partner not to hurt me.
(true) 1 ……2 …3 …4 …5 (not true)
14. My partner and I share the same goals for our future.
(true) 1 ……2 …3 …4 …5 (not true)
How to see how strong your relationship is:
Add up the numbers you circled
Your relationship is strong …………………………..26 or less
Your relationship has some serious issues ………. …27 to 36
Your relationship is at serious risk if you have ……….37 or more
Remember that usually couples are different from one another, one person may be very verbal and the other may be quiet. Individuals also vary in their beliefs about child rearing, or family, or even politics.
The quiz focuses on: judgmental vs. being accepting of your partner as a person and of their point of view.
It also looks at positive feelings as well. Just because a couple doesn’t fight doesn’t mean the relationship is strong. There has to be a positive connections and fun in a relationship.
The quiz also focuses on “trusting your partner”. Trust doesn’t always refer to being faithful, it also refers to trusting that whenever possible you can count on your partner, not 100% of the time but most of the time. Sometimes partners raise the the bar too high. Sometimes are partner will do or say something hurtful, but if and when they do first it’s not intentional and second they try and make up for it.
Successful relationships can thrive on differences. It’s not whether or not you are similar to your partner. It’s about how you handle those differences!
This quiz is taken from my upcoming manual:
Negotiation Handbook for Couples
From Conflict to Connection
Strength of Relationship Quiz (Part II of III part series)
Strength of Relationship Quiz
(Part II of III part series)
Note: Most people only have a few minutes of time, so I have broken down the questionnaire to 3 easy to complete sections.
Some folks will want to think about their answers and this format will also give those folks only a few questions to consider.
Lastly, some folks will want to do this all in one sitting, so after this week you can take a look at all three posts and answer the questions all in one sitting.
Here are the next set of questions in my Strength of Relationship Quiz:
6. My partner knows what is really important to me.
(true) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (not true)
7. I understand what is really important to my partner.
(true) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (not true)
8. My partner is interested in things that are important to me.
(true) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (not true)
9. My partner sees my positive qualities.
(true) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (not true)
10. I think about my partner’s good qualities often.
(true) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (not true)
11. My partner often tells me how much they care for me.
(true) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (not true)
Tomorrow I will give you the last three questions and the key to how to see exactly how strong your relationship is. Feel free to email me as to your thoughts about these questions.
Dr. Marty
Strength of Relationship Quiz (Part I of III part series)
Strength of Relationship Quiz (Part I of III part series)
Some people who come to YourMarriageCounselor.com site wonder whether or not their relationship (this applies to both married couples and those in a serious relationship) are need of help from a professional Couple’s/Marriage Counselor.
To help answer that question this week’s blog entries will have a short easy 14 question quiz. On my third, and last entry for this week, will be a key to scoring the strength of your relationship. I have developed these questions based on Dr. John Gottman’s research of more than 5,000 couples over a 15 year period. Dr. Gottman, one of the most influential researchers in the field of marriage counseling, has been able to determine exactly what makes relationships work well and what factors cause them to fail. In my over 30 years as a practicing therapist and based on my own relationship I have used these guidelines and added some of my own that I have found to be extremely important to having a satisfying relationship.
If your partner is willing, you may also ask them answer these questions as well and then the two of you can discuss the results.
__________________________________________
To get you started here are 5 questions for you to consider:
- My partner is judgmental.
(very little) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (a great deal)
2. My partner has a valid point of view.
(often) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (rarely)
3. My partner is my friend.
(true) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (not true)
4. I take my partner’s point of view into consideration.
(often) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (rarely)
5. My partner often tells me when they feel close to me.
(often) 1 …2 …3 …4 …5 (rarely)
In my next blog entry I will give you questions 6 – 11. I’ll also discuss different ways you work on taking this quiz.
Talk to you tomorrow Dr. Marty
How to Negotiate with Your Partner
How to Negotiate with Your Partner
* Taken from my soon to be published book “Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection (Part III the last part for this weeks’ entry on negotiation)
The last part of the “Pre-Commitment Stage” blog for this week is a summary of what should be done during this step.
Come to the negotiation with some ideas and suggestions as to how to relate to both your partner’s and your goals. Too often couples just blurt out what they want without thinking things through.
This is the problem-solving stage. The purpose of preparing is to clearly form your own goals and to understand your partner’s perspective, preparing you to enter the next phase:
- Understanding your goals;
- Understanding your partner’s goals and needs;
- Come to the table with ideas of how you can effectively relate to both your and your partner’s goals, rather than trying to convince them to change their mind. The more creative you are, the more you will be ready for Stage II–the negotiation stage.
1) Figure out what are your goals/outcomes for the negotiations and why you want that outcome.
2) Spend time understanding your partner’s goals, both the emotional and logical reasons for those goals.
3) Come to the “table” with some ideas and suggestions as to how to meet both your partner’s and your goals.
In future entries I will discuss what is involved in “The
Commitment Stage” of successful negotiation. Here are some of the areas that I will discuss: Specific guidelines for the Commitment Stage; Things Not to Do in Negotiation; and What Are the Right and Wrong Words to Use in Negotiation
Remember even if you don’t use or even understand everything there are many things that you can take away that will add to your ability to successfully negotiate with your partner.
Our goal is not to be perfect, just to keep getting better
How to Negotiate with Your Partner.
How to Negotiate with Your Partner. * Taken from my soon to be published book “Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection (Part II for this weeks’ entry on negotiation).
After having given you an idea about focusing and understanding your goals and their meanings the next step is to think about understanding your partner’s goals. It is easy to get so hung up on making your point that you don’t think about what is happening with your partner. Remember it’s not about getting your way, it’s about coming to an agreement that works for both of you.
In my book “Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection”
I suggest that you spend time understanding your partner’s goals and both the emotional and logical reasons for those goals. Think about and find out as much you can about the other person’s perspective.
- Why do they want what they want?
- What are their objections/concerns because of what you want?
View them from two perspectives:
- See the legitimacy behind your partner’s goals. Understand that though you may not like or agree with your partner’s reasons, those reasons still are legitimate to that person, and it’s important to be respectful of them.
- Recognize how important it is to relate to those concerns in a significant way. Don’t try and argue with the person about their reasons. Learn from them and see how you can be sensitive to their concerns/needs.
Below are three examples of what I mean:
- If your partner wants a vacation where they can rest and you want an exciting one, see if you can find some excitement where there is restful setting or vise versa.
- If your partner thinks you are being too controlling about finances, sit down and see if you can relate to how your partner would like to spend your collective money. Then see if you can come up with a way where your partner feels they have input about how your funds should be allocated.
- If your partner is concerned about the lack of physical intimacy, work on figuring out what would motivate you to want to have that intimacy.
The point of the examples is to illustrate how to relate to your partner’s perspective and still be responsive to what’s important to you.
In my final entry for this week I will talk about the last part of the “Pre – Negotiation Stage” which will prepare you for the second step which I call the “Commitment Stage”.
How to Negotiate with Your Partner.
How to Negotiate with Your Partner. * Taken from my soon to be published book “Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection
I find the many couples don’t know how to negotiate with each other. To help couples deal with their differences I often teach them negotiation skills.
Introduction
The process I have developed to help Couples Negotiate is a combination of problem-solving and relating to the emotional needs of your partner and yourself. Each stage will discuss the strategies involved in logical problem-solving and in the emotional intelligence aspects of relating to feelings and needs.
There are three stages to Couple’s Negotiation
Stage I – The Preparation Stage (Pre Commitment)
Stage II –The Negotiation – Commitment Stage (Pick & Shovel)
Stage III – The Connection Stage
In this stage there is commitment from both parties, and there is a feeling that the couple is closer as a result of the negotiation process.
At the end of each section there is a worksheet that you can use to help you to negotiate (note: These worksheets are in the manual I have not included them in the blog).
In this entry I will describe aspects of the first stage that I call “Pre- Commitment”.
The first step is to figure out what your goals mean to you. Here are 3 examples of goals that couples have:
- You want to go to a particular place for a vacation.
- You want to convince your partner to spend less.
- You want to increase your physical intimacy with your partner.
Here are examples of the underlying meaning of these goals.
You want a vacation:
Meaning: you want a chance to relax and to find something interesting to do.
You want some control of the money:
Meaning: You want to have more of a handle on the family finances; or conversely, you feel deprived and controlled because you don’t want your partner telling you what to do.
You want increased physical intimacy with your partner:
Meaning: intimacy will help you to feel closer to your partner, you want to feel wanted, or you want to relieve stress.
It is important in effective negotiation to not only know what you want, but to know why you want it.
In the next blog I will talk about understanding your partner’s goals
Four Tips on How To Communicate Effectively With Your Partner
Four Tips on How To Communicate Effectively With Your Partner
1. Think about what you need and then make it concrete for your partner
“I need more intimacy” is not as clear as “I need you to tell me more about how you are feeling about me”
2. Avoid focusing on what they have done wrong.
3. Accent your requests in the positive makes things clearer for your partner.
‘I don’t want you to yell at me when you’re angry” is not as clear as “let’s stay calm while we talk”.
4. Look for things that you appreciate about your partner and let them know that you appreciate them on a regular basis
Remembering to do “the little things” on a regular basis will set a strong foundation for communication between
you and your partner. Simple things done consistently can be very powerful in helping you strengthen your relationship with
your partner.
