Your Marriage Counselor

The Brain and Successful Marriages

Part III – Strategies to Relate well to the Individualist

The Individualist*

In this blog I will focus on The Individualist personality

type and  techniques for effective communication with

them.

What the Individualist can do to work themself

Step outside of yourself as if you are watching from a third Work at seeing your partner’s point of view.

Make an effort to spend time together

Look for(journal) positive actions by your partner

Journal positive memories

Engage in positive non-sexual touch

Answer the negative self talk that you are having in your head

Look for  and journal  positive occurrences in general

Engage in activities that you enjoy and have mastery in

Engage in an exercise program

Practice random acts of kindness

Journaling  on a daily basis things you are grateful for

Remind yourself to engage in positive bids for connection

If your Partner is an “Individualist”

1. Encourage them to be more social

2. Encourage your partner to spend time with you

3. Touch (non sexual)

4. Help partner with tasks important to them

5. Empathize with their feelings

6. Reconcile that your partner will be based on their brain structure not be inclined to initiate social contact. You will have to ask for what you want. It’s not because they don’t care, it because of their brain patterns.  If however they are not responsive to your efforts, you need to be direct and specific with your request.  Be careful about being judgmental in your confrontations.  At some point, you need to decide when enough is enough and then take appropriate action.

7. Give reassurance that you are there for your partner

8. Make sure you spend time taking care of yourself.

If you would like to learn more about this approach

Please contact me at: drmarty@comcast.net or

(732)246-8484.

The Brain and Successful Marriages

Part II – Evaluation: How do I know what personality type my partner is?

1.   The Individualist*

In the next two blogs I will focus on “The Individualist” type as an example of how these types are identified and ways you can relate effectively with your partner if they are an “Individualist”.

Again here are the personality types, please refer back to yesterday’s blog to get a summary of these personality types.

1. The Individualist *

2. The Pessimist

3. The ADHD /Impulsive type

4. Obsessive Compulsive/Impulsive Type

* My names for these personality types

Here are the questions you can answer about your partner

Individualist

Feelings of sadness

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Moodiness

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Negativity

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Low energy

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Irritability

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Decreased interest in others

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Feelings of hopelessness about the future

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Feelings of helplessness or powerless

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Feeling bored

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Feelings of guilt

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Suicidal feelings

(Very little) 1……….2…….. 3……….4………5 (A great deal)

Total 11 – 13 not a problem

14    18 Moderate problem

19 + Needs attention

Use the scoring above to see if these characteristics

are a problem.  In my next blog I will give examples

of ways to increase the quality of communication between you and your partner in relating to “The Individualist” personality type.

For effective relationship / couples counseling with these personality types please contact me for further discussion.

Dr. Marty

(732)246-8484

The Brain and Successful Marriages Part I – Introduction

Successful marriages are ones where partners understand each other. Dr. Amen, a famous Neuro- Psychiatrist and author of over 25 books.   In his book “Change Your Brain Change Your Life”,  Dr. Amen has identified 4 personality types that are difficult to deal with in a relationship.  I have given those types practical labels.   Dr. Amen and I have also come up with strategies to effectively communicate with these personality types.

Amen’s Four Personality Types are:

1. Deep Limbic System (The Individualist)*
2. Basal Ganglia (The Pessimist)
3. Prefrontal Cortex (The ADHD /Impulsive type)
4. Cingulate System (Obsessive Compulsive / Impulsive Type

* My names for Amen’s personality types are taken from Ennagrams, a model of human personalities as well as my description of these types.

Below are brief summaries of these personality types

The Individualist The negative side of “The Individualist” is that they are: moody, negative, have low energy, and may even be self destructive.

The Pessimist The negative side of the “The Pessimist” is that they can          be extremely negative, irritable, and withdrawn.

The Loyalist “The Loyalist” can be extremely nervous and also have physical problems that are generated by the nervousness (i.e. stomach problems),   also avoid conflict, and can be shy.

“The Enthusiast – ADHD” personality

“The Enthusiast – ADHD” personality can be conflict seeking,     Has problems with details, is either over focused or hyper focused, and is disorganized.

In the next blogs, I will give a tool by which to identify one of these types “The Individualist” and in the following blog entry I will give some techniques that can help if your partner has this type of personality.

To learn about the other three types I would encourage you to take a look at Dr. Amen’s book “Change Your Brain

Change Your Life”; also, I have developed a program using many of Dr. Amen’s ideas combined with other areas that I have found effective in  helping deal with these personalities that I will be glad to discuss with          you.

Remember good relationships are based on understanding and responding   to what we understand rather than blaming and judging.

Six Strategies for Effective Negotiation (Con’t)

This blog is a continuation of yesterday’s blog entry. It will give you two more easy strategies that you can follow to have a successful negotiation with your partner.   I will also include the “worksheet that I’ve put in the book for this section.

(5) Monitor yourself Notice when you start to get frustrated, angry, or tired.   If you’re starting to have strong negative feelings or are fatigued, take a break or, if possible, pick another time to discuss the issue.  If you stop the discussion, make sure to set aside another specific time.  Relationships suffer if important issues are shoved under the rug.   Two ways you can monitor yourself: A. Admit when you’re in a bad place B. Own up to it when you’ve made a mistake Showing vulnerability is surprisingly positive in strengthening your relationship.

(6) Monitor your Partner Notice when they have strong emotions.  See if you can figure out why they are having those feelings.  If you think you know what’s going on with your partner, check out your hunches:  ask them about those strong reactions and emotions. Work at being as responsive to those feelings as you possibly can.   You might say something like, “Let’s see if we can come up with something that will work for both of us.  Here are some things we can use as guidelines or a road map so we don’t get stuck.”   Tip: People often forget the issue, but they remember being upset, angry and having felt other negative feelings more than they remember the issue about which they were arguing. Attitudes & Emotions Check list Many of these attitudes and emotions are common sense, but under pressure we are distracted and forget how important these attitudes and emotions are. This chart can be used as a way to remind and rate your self about having the right attitudes and emotions.   Rate yourself: I’ve put this here to show you the checklist.  All the self-rating charts are also at the end of this book in the appendix for you to make copies. Attitudes & Emotions

Feel free to contact me if you would like additional explanation of the self rating chart below

Attitudes and Emotions in Negotiation with Your Partner

Attitudes and Emotions

Please note: there is a Worksheet for this section that you can use when you are in negotiation with your partner. (For your convenience all the worksheets are also in the appendix of the book.) – The material below has been taken from my book Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection

In total I will suggest 6 simple strategies that you can follow to successfully negotiate with your partner.  In today’s blog I will offer 4 strategies and tomorrow I will share with you the additional 2 other things you can do to have a positive outcome.

This section is particularly important because the entire outcome of couple’s negotiation is based on having the right attitudes and emotions.  Below I will outline five attitudes and emotions that are essential in having a successful negotiation.

Here are the first four strategies

(1) Stay calm

Remember when you lose your temper often, you lose your augment by not having your partner really hear and understand you.

(2) Be respectful

When you are involved in a discussion where the subject is important to you, it’s easy to get carried away and raise your voice or say something nasty to the other person.  Respect is key for couples maintaining a positive connection to each other.

(3) Be agreeable (even if you don’t agree)

Being agreeable doesn’t mean being compliant; it means being pleasant–not super- sweet, just nice. Agree to disagree in an agreeable way.

(4) Be flexible

A. Look for ways to agree while still having a sense of your own integrity.

B. Look for ways to reframe the disagreement.

Example of being flexible:

Rich wants to have his mother come to their home and visit with the grandchildren, and Marlene is not crazy about her mother-in-law.  If the issue gets reframed as how the grandmother can spend time with her grandchildren, then maybe Rich’s mom can take the children to the park.  The idea is that the focus is framed on visiting the grandchildren not on the bad feelings between the Marlene and her mother-in-law.

Emotional issues involved in negotiation

One of the most factors in negotiation are emotions.  No matter what issue you are trying to work out to be successful in that process feelings always have to be considered.   Some of the most important feelings to be considered are acceptance, respect, saving face, pride.  Another factor involved in negotiating with your partner is that they have the belief that they can you have influence, not control in the relationship. Influence and feelings are the corner of stone of negotiation

We’ve all witnessed situations where people still argue well beyond the issue itself; they just don’t want to lose the argument.  Even if they are not sure if they are right or being fair, they still argue their point because they hate to give in.

An example of this would be:

Mary wants to move to another state near her family, and Jack wants to stay where they are, so he doesn’t have to change jobs.

If they move, Mary acknowledges to Jack how difficult it is to find a job and how upsetting that would be. Mary makes a good faith offer to be helpful in relating to the issues Jack is facing. For example she suggests that she might:

A. Get a part-time job to help with the finances;

B. Type Jack’s resume to help him find another job;

C. Dedicate herself to making the move easier for Jack.

If they stay where they are, Jack tells Mary he realizes how important it is for Mary to be closer to her family. He verbally recognizes what’s important to Mary and demonstrates that he is willing to be responsive to her needs. To show his concern he:

A.  Offers to go on more vacations to see her family;

B.  Suggests having family members visit them more frequently;

C.  Looks for ways to help Mary feel more connected to her family.

These examples may not solve the problem, but if they are done in a genuine way, they will illustrate to the partner how their perspectives and needs are being respected while saving face if things don’t go their way.

As you read through the material, you’ll see how combining this with other techniques will lead to negotiations that will bring the couple closer to each other

Regardless of the issue, I believe you have a 60% chance of success if you make sure your communications are respectful and recognize your partner’s emotions and are accepting of them, even if your point of view is the complete opposite of theirs.

Dr. Marty’s Five Steps to Handling Arguments Effectively

Below are 5 steps that I teach folks in therapy, to use to deal with anger that is generated from arguments that occur between them and their partner.

Sometimes folks can apply these steps on their own and sometimes I have to

help them in therapy to use this process.  I offer this to you so you can start by trying this on your own.

_____________________________________________________________________

Step 1.  Breathing awareness – notice your breathing

and then take 5 deep slow breaths

Step 2.  Think about:  What story are you telling yourself about your partner? Are you condemning them are you righteous (i.e. How dare they?)

Step 3 Ask yourself, “What response would I like to get from

my partner?  Is your behavior likely to get that response?

Attitude Check: Are you ready to go to the next step?

Step 4.  You can test if you are ready to go to step “5” by honestly answering questions “A” and “B” below.

A.  My partner is completely wrong (you need “7″ or better to go to the next step)

1………2………3……….4……….5………….6………7……….8………..9…….10

agree                                                                disagree

B. I am completely right (you need “7″ or better to go to the next step)

1………2………3……….4……….5………….6………7……….8………..9…….10

agree                                                                disagree

To be able to go to the next step you must genuinely be able to

have circled at least at least a “7”, that is you must be able to say to your

self that: “ I know that my partner is not totally wrong and that I am

not completely right.”   You must really be able to say:

“I do see my partner’s point”,  to go the last step.

Step 5 (The last step). See if you can, even though you may totally disagree,

without being sarcastic or judgmental be able to state your

partner’s thinking.  You know you have done a good job understanding

if you ask your partner:  Have I been able to say why you think that … ?”

and see if your partner can say that:  I know you  understand even though you do not agree.

This is not an easy process, but once you have mastered it you will have taken a giant step in stopping arguments from getting ugly and be on you’re your way to having a loving relationship.

Dr. Marty

Dealing with Anger and Fighting in a Relationship

In this blog, I want to stress that other people don’t force us into being angry. When we are angry we need to realize that no matter what the other person does we are the ones that are responsible for our own anger, how long we hold on to it, as well as how appropriately or inappropriately we express our anger.

The place to start would be to rate your own anger on a scale of 1 to 10.  If you are over a 7, you may need to leave the area so that you can cool down because over a “7” means you are in a fight and hurt mode and the results can be disastrous.

When you realize you are angry, stop and take a deep breath and let it out very slowly.  This will help your body slow down so that you are not in an attack mode and will give you a chance to collect yourself, and a time to have some constructive self talk (which I will discuss in the next paragraph).

Self talk is what we say to ourselves.  The next suggestion involves us telling ourselves constructive/positive things to point us in the right direction. One thing you could say to yourself is:  “I am allowing “Jane” (the person you are angry with ) to make me angry by telling myself ….. .  Jane may have done the wrong thing but our anger probably won’t change Jane’s behavior or even what she said to you.  Self talk can be a very effective strategy in curbing our anger, slowing us down and putting us in a calmer state so that we do not make things worse.

We not only make ourselves angry but in some ways we decide how long we will be angry.  We tell ourselves “I will never forget / forgive Jack for ……,, (what he has done to us)

One of the most toxic forms of anger is grudge holding.  The longer you hold the grudge the more difficult it is to find a solution.

It is important to realize that anger hurts the one who holds on to it more than it hurts the person we are angry at.  It takes up our energy, makes us negative, and can even cause us to have physical health problems which we need to try and avoid at all costs.

Dealing with Anger and Fighting in a Relationship

Dealing with anger and fighting is an important part of any relationship

In this blog posting I will discuss what is involved in anger and suggest one strategy to deal with that anger you can find more suggestions in my Relationship Rescue Manual

Let’s begin with some questions that you can ask about anger and your relationship

1. How well do we fight with each other?
2. Do our fights leave scars that are not easily forgotten or don’t heal at all?

This question has two sides to it: side one is how well do we handle our partner’s anger,  and side two is how well do we handle our own expression of anger . Often times, I will have someone come to me because their partner feels so overwhelmed by their anger that they tell me that they just don’t want to be together any longer.

When we are very often when we are angry we also stop thinking and our anger controls us.  We say things we later regret and that even make things worse.  The first question we should really ask ourselves is “What do we hope to accomplish by having this anger?”  Too often anger is a knee jerk response and has nothing to do with solving our problem.  Some people believe that it might make the other person change, they may want them to feel the hurt and pain as they do, or even try and control them.

What many people hope is that if the other person knows how angry they are maybe they’ll be different, or maybe they will apologize. Again, it is unusual that heart felt remorse comes from anger. What usually happens is that anger makes the other person more distant, angrier, or just fed up with the situation.

A place to start getting results would be from a calm, secure place that doesn’t attack the other person.  What we often do is blame them.  I have found that blame always generates more anger and counter accusations which only hurts communication.

What I will cover in my next blog in the next few days is a different way of looking at anger and several simple things one can do to relate to their own anger.

First Important Factor in a Healthy Relationship ** (see bottom of post)

Note to reader:

As this is a site on relationships,  I wanted to post information on how to establish and maintain a healthy relationship.  As time goes by,  in future posts I will be talking more about how to have a healthy relationship.

Feeling Accepted

People get married or make long-term commitments because they want to feel accepted and validated and to feel good about themselves.  The guideline for all relationships is: Relationships go well when partners are making each other feel valued. Everything else flows from this core reality.  When one partner says something to make the other feel valued and important it strengthens the relationship. In contrast, when one partner says something negative and causes the other to feel badly (regardless of small it may seem), it breaks down the relationship.

Action to take using this information: Keeping this in mind, you can begin working on improving your relationship by looking for things to say that will make your partner feel valued.  For example: “Mary, you are working hard at not yelling when you talk to me;” or “Jack, I appreciate that you are calling before you come over to the apartment.”  Look for something that your partner is doing well and be positive about it.  The caution here is to be genuine and not patronizing.

Action to Avoid: Stay away from saying things that your partner will hear as criticism.

The importance of looking for something positive about your partner is a simple guideline you can consistently follow in your journey towards rebuilding your relationship.  This doesn’t mean you don’t get upset or disagree, but that you communicate these thoughts and feelings in a way that does not make your partner feel devalued.

**  This material is taken from my “Relationship Rescue Manual“