Archive for August, 2007
ARTICLE REQUESTS
I am constantly writing articles and would very much like to know what you would like to learn more about. As you have ideas or things that you are curious about I would appreciate it if you would either contact me, using the contact request form or call me @ 732-246-8484
Dr. Marty
34 years of bringing people together
INTRODUCTION: MARITAL ISSUES
When I get a call for someone who is having a marital problem, it’s almost always around the issues of communication and anger. Over the years I have specialized in helping couples talk with each other so that their partner can hear them.
There are many things that I can teach you about how best to approach your partner’s. We will spend time in therapy to working on developing this skill. Below is a short article of some of the things that we can work on in developing your and your partners ability to talk to each other.
This is an area that is incredibly important. Not knowing how to reduce anger when you feel it sabotages a couple’s ability to communicate. Anger unchecked can destroy relationships and can even be dangerous and lead to violence. Over the years I have developed many techniques to help people to reduce their anger and to be able to talk with their partner in an effective way. Below is an article which gives you the general idea – but there is so much more we can do together. I encourage you to read the article but to realize this is just a starting point.
Please Scroll Down to read the articles
Give me a call (732) 246-8484 and we can talk more about your specific situation.
10 Strategies for Effective Communication
One of the biggest complaints therapists hear from the couples they counsel is, “We just don’t communicate well.” That sentence is both very telling and vague at the same time. The ten strategies below are guidelines that couples can follow to improve their communication. An important point to remember when defining “good communication” in a solid relationship is that “winning” an argument is not the goal, but having both people feel listened to, accepted and understood. Below are 10 “rules” for improving communication in your relationship. See how many you follow and by adopting just one or two more, you can be on your way to improved communication with your partner. First however, look at the short lists of “Don’ts”
“List of Don’ts.”
1. Don’t try and adopt all of them at once.
2. Don’t tell your partner: “this is a list you should follow.” Ask your partner if he/she is interested in “rules for communication” or print the list and leave it lying around, but don’t make the list an issue in itself.
10 Rules to Help Improve Communication with Your Partner
1. Listen to the emotions behind your partner’s words. Being right isn’t as important as being understood.
2. Focus on what your partner is saying rather than thinking up an answer or rebuttal.
3. Look at the person who is talking to you. Many people don’t feel listened to unless they are being looked
4. Use the word “I” rather that the word “you.” People tend to hear “you” in a sentence as an accusation, such as “You are yelling at me.” Compare that with “I feel yelled at,” and the speaker takes ownership for the feeling and does not come across as attacking.
5. When you need to discuss a difficult issue, be sensitive to choosing an appropriate time for the conversation.
6. State things simply and ask your partner if more detail is needed.
7. The real meaning of every communication is how it is heard and perceived, not how it is intended.
8. Notice your partner’s reactions – the withdrawal/attack/glassy-eyed responses.
9. Ask questions to learn and understand more about what your partner is saying. Be curious about what is important to your partner.
10. Be attentive to your partner’s response. Notice if you are giving too much detail. For example, if you are a detail person but your partner is not responding, then you can either ask for feedback and involvement or limit the conversation. People can be turned off if they feel like they are being talked at or the conversation is going on for too long.
There are many rules to good communication. The 10 rules above provide a good starting point for couples. You may even want to “evaluate yourself” to see how many of the suggestions you follow. Having a healthy relationship means “playing by the rules.”
INFIDELITY INTRODUCTION
Dealing with infidelity is one of the most devastating experiences that a couple will ever face. Unfortunately, it is all to common in our society. It is estimated that between 20 and 40% of all marriages have to deal with some form of unfaithfulness.
1. Early Warning Signs of Infidelity
2. What To Do After Infidelity Has Been Discovered
Five Steps to Help you Deal with Your Anger
Five Steps to help you deal with your Anger
What is anger?
There is some evidence to suggest that anger may be a feeling that is associated with a feeling of helplessness and loss of control. People may respond to these feelings in one of two ways. When we loose control we might show it an outward way by being angry, if we still don’t feel as if we are getting satisfaction or control that anger can turn to rage. The other way we emotionally respond to lack of control or feeling a loss of empowerment is we feel depressed. We think “What’s the matter with me I should have said something to him/her”.
Anger takes a great deal of energy from us and it distances us from other people. If we over do it, we can lose friends, spouses, our children and even our jobs. When we are angry we do not have our peace of mind.
As difficult as anger is, there is very little mentioned about what to do with this potentially destructive emotion. Here is a quick test for you:
What is the best way to handle anger?
1. Get even with that son-of-a-gun.
2. Forgive the person who you are angry with.
3. Ignore the situation and/or the anger
The correct answer is note of the above. Anger consumes an inordinate amount of time energy and space in our brain that could be put too much better use. Here are 4 steps to follow that can help you deal with anger.
1. Rate yourself on Dr. Marty’s “Anger Scale“
On a scale of 1 – 5, rate how angry you are. One being mildly annoyed, your friend was 10 minutes late for meeting you for shopping. Five being ready to go to the top of the tower with an automatic weapon (only kidding – but you get the idea)
2. Step back from the angering event and calm yourself.. Too often we want to go after the person or situation that is angering us. While we may feel that that is a useful outlet at the moment, it in fact only reinforces the negative feelings.
3 Understand its origin
What made you feel powerless/out of control/angry in the first place? I believe that anger is really powerless turned outward. Let’s test my theory. Think of a time when you were furious. Imagine that you had complete control of the situation. What happens to your anger? I bet that it is either significantly diminished or has just gone away. Finding the origin is not always obvious, together we can figure exactly where this anger is coming from.
4. Think about how these feelings have left you with a sense of loss of control – (Only do this after 20 to 30 minutes after doing steps 1 and 2.)
5. Develop a plan about how you can regain control. We get angry when we feel powerless. The moment you feel you have regained control you will find your anger fading away.
Conclusion:
The basic steps are straight forward, but they are not easy to do. There are several things you can do to help you with these four steps: You can ask a friend for help with steps 3 and 4. You can write out some of your thoughts on steps 3 and 4. Also letting some time go by can help. If these things don’t work the way you would like them to, some professional help might be warranted. You might talk with your minister or physician. Also if you would like, we could figure out some of the things that a trained experienced eye might more readily see.
Peacefully,
Dr. Marty
How Do I Deal with My Partner’s Addiction?
I have an entire web site dedicated to dealing with addictions. If you would like to learn about how to help your partner or yourself to deal with: alcohol, drugs pornography, sexual addiction, or gambling go to: www.BeatingAddictions.com
Here is an article that will give some idea of how to deal with addictions
Regardless of whether or not it is alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling or the Internet,it is hard to have a partner that is an addict. Addiction affects personal relationships, communication, parenting, finances and work life. Oftentimes, a non-addict believes that this problem is best resolved by getting his/her partner to admit and deal with the addiction and participate in therapy (Information on non-traditional treatment for addictions is available at DrMartyTashman.com). A bigger challenge however, is for the non-addict to think about ones own needs and behavior. It is important that the non-addicted partner consider these questions:
- What do you want and need from this relationship?
- How do you need to be treated?
- Am I being a good partner by being supportive (but not enabling) and understanding (but not rationalizing)?
- What am I going to do that is not dependant on my partner’s behavior? Read more
What We Really Know About Marriage Counseling
Dr. John Gottman is one of the most rigorous and far reaching researchers in the field of marriage counseling. He has reviewed virtually all the formally existing research in the area of marriage counseling, done extensive scientifically based research to determine the validity of those findings and has developed procedures based on his findings. Dr. Gottman uses both self-reporting measures (the subjects rating themselves) and objective measures (review of video tapes and biofeedback equipment). His work spans a 25-year period and includes hundreds of couples. Dr. Gottman is the founder and director of the professionally acclaimed research facility The Seattle Marital and Family Institute. He is also a professor at the Washington University, a superb researcher and excellent teacher. Read more
Marital Satisfaction
Why do so many marriages fail? It’s even worse than we think
Some estimates indicate that 50% of people who get married end up in divorce court. The statistics for second marriages are even worse. As if those figures aren’t bad enough, add them to the fact that having a truly satisfying marriage seems to be increasingly “out of the ordinary.” Of the approximately 50% of marriages that do not end in divorce, we could speculate that a large percentage of them may not end in formal divorce, but in what can be called “emotional divorce.” In other words, people stay married not because they like being married, but for a variety of other reasons. Oftentimes people stay married because they don’t want to leave their children, feel financially trapped, or are afraid to be on their own. Read more
(4)Additional Resources for Dealing with Infidelity
- Glass, Shirley, NOT “Just Friends”: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.This highly recommended book deals with every aspect of affairs. It deals with “Why people have extra marital relationships” and ‘How to handle them.” It is based on over 25 years of research and includes material from 4 different sources:
- A 1977 survey of 20,000 people done by the popular magazine Psychology Today.
- A 1988 doctoral research dissertation that included 1000 questionnaires.
- The author’s (a marriage counselor) analysis of 350 couples that she surveyed.
- A survey of therapists taken by Dr. Glass from 1992 to 2001.
You can find out more about Dr. Glass and her work at ShirleyGlass.com.
(3)Seven Steps for Healing from Infidelity
Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is a very difficult thing to do. In order to be successful in moving the relationship forward there are six basic things that need to happen:
- Trust has to be re-established.
- The couple must discuss and deal with the issues that triggered the infidelity.
- In many situations, the faithful partner may need to know the details of the extra marital relationship. Knowing exactly what happened gives a sense of regaining control and enables him/her to feel that steps can be taken to prevent the situation from reoccurring. This may or may not be true, but the wronged partner is the only one who can decide when there has been enough disclosure. While full disclosure is not always necessary, it is the faithful partner that must make that determination. Read more