Your Marriage Counselor

I am constantly writing articles and would very much like to know what you would like to learn more about. As you have ideas or things that you are curious about I would appreciate it if you would either contact me, using the contact request form or call me @ 732-246-8484

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Dr. Marty
34 years of bringing people together

One of the biggest complaints therapists hear from the couples they counsel is, “We just don’t communicate well.” That sentence is both very telling and vague at the same time. The ten strategies below are guidelines that couples can follow to improve their communication. An important point to remember when defining “good communication” in a solid relationship is that “winning” an argument is not the goal, but having both people feel listened to, accepted and understood. Below are 10 “rules” for improving communication in your relationship. See how many you follow and by adopting just one or two more, you can be on your way to improved communication with your partner. First however, look at the short lists of “Don’ts”

“List of Don’ts.”

1. Don’t try and adopt all of them at once.

2. Don’t tell your partner: “this is a list you should follow.” Ask your partner if he/she is interested in “rules for communication” or print the list and leave it lying around, but don’t make the list an issue in itself.

10 Rules to Help Improve Communication with Your Partner

1. Listen to the emotions behind your partner’s words. Being right isn’t as important as being understood.

2.  Focus on what your partner is saying rather than thinking up an answer or rebuttal.

3.  Look at the person who is talking to you. Many people don’t feel listened to unless they are being looked

4. Use the word “I” rather that the word “you.” People tend to hear “you” in a sentence as an accusation, such as “You are yelling at me.” Compare that with “I feel yelled at,” and the speaker takes ownership for the feeling and does not come across as attacking.

5.  When you need to discuss a difficult issue, be sensitive to choosing an appropriate time for the conversation.

6.  State things simply and ask your partner if more detail is needed.

7.  The real meaning of every communication is how it is heard and perceived, not how it is intended.

8. Notice your partner’s reactions – the withdrawal/attack/glassy-eyed responses.

9. Ask questions to learn and understand more about what your partner is saying. Be curious about what is important to your partner.

10. Be attentive to your partner’s response. Notice if you are giving too much detail. For example, if you are a detail person but your partner is not responding, then you can either ask for feedback and involvement or limit the conversation. People can be turned off if they feel like they are being talked at or the conversation is going on for too long.

There are many rules to good communication. The 10 rules above provide a good starting point for couples. You may even want to “evaluate yourself” to see how many of the suggestions you follow. Having a healthy relationship means “playing by the rules.”

Five Steps to help you deal with your Anger

What is anger?

There is some evidence to suggest that anger may be a feeling that is associated with a feeling of helplessness and loss of control. People may respond to these feelings in one of two ways. When we loose control we might show it an outward way by being angry, if we still don’t feel as if we are getting satisfaction or control that anger can turn to rage. The other way we emotionally respond to lack of control or feeling a loss of empowerment is we feel depressed. We think “What’s the matter with me I should have said something to him/her”.

Anger takes a great deal of energy from us and it distances us from other people. If we over do it, we can lose friends, spouses, our children and even our jobs. When we are angry we do not have our peace of mind.

As difficult as anger is, there is very little mentioned about what to do with this potentially destructive emotion. Here is a quick test for you:

What is the best way to handle anger?

1. Get even with that son-of-a-gun.

2. Forgive the person who you are angry with.

3. Ignore the situation and/or the anger

The correct answer is note of the above. Anger consumes an inordinate amount of time energy and space in our brain that could be put too much better use. Here are 4 steps to follow that can help you deal with anger.

1. Rate yourself on Dr. Marty’s “Anger Scale“

On a scale of 1 – 5, rate how angry you are. One being mildly annoyed, your friend was 10 minutes late for meeting you for shopping. Five being ready to go to the top of the tower with an automatic weapon (only kidding – but you get the idea)

2. Step back from the angering event and calm yourself.. Too often we want to go after the person or situation that is angering us. While we may feel that that is a useful outlet at the moment, it in fact only reinforces the negative feelings.

3 Understand its origin

What made you feel powerless/out of control/angry in the first place? I believe that anger is really powerless turned outward. Let’s test my theory. Think of a time when you were furious. Imagine that you had complete control of the situation. What happens to your anger? I bet that it is either significantly diminished or has just gone away. Finding the origin is not always obvious, together we can figure exactly where this anger is coming from.

4. Think about how these feelings have left you with a sense of loss of control – (Only do this after 20 to 30 minutes after doing steps 1 and 2.)

5. Develop a plan about how you can regain control. We get angry when we feel powerless. The moment you feel you have regained control you will find your anger fading away.

Conclusion:

The basic steps are straight forward, but they are not easy to do. There are several things you can do to help you with these four steps: You can ask a friend for help with steps 3 and 4. You can write out some of your thoughts on steps 3 and 4. Also letting some time go by can help. If these things don’t work the way you would like them to, some professional help might be warranted. You might talk with your minister or physician. Also if you would like, we could figure out some of the things that a trained experienced eye might more readily see.

Peacefully,

Dr. Marty

Dealing With Addiction

There are many relationships that on the brink of divorce, because of addiction.  Over the years,  I have dealt with people who are suffering from addiction to: pornography, internet,  alcohol, drugs, shopping, and even gambling.  Unless the addiction is stopped the relationship will be destroyed and  families will be broken up.

Three Steps to Dealing With Addiction

First, I will help you (the person who is exploring the addiction question) understand what is going on emotionally.  Often times, addictive behavior is a reaction to stress, anxiety, hopelessness or even depression.

Second, we will take a look at the impact of the addiction on the person’s partner.

Third, together we will develop practical strategies of getting past the addiction and having a normal productive happy life.

We will do our counseling either individually, as a couple or a combination of both approaches.  Together we will determine which will be the most effective in your particular situation

If you would like more information give me a call at 1-888-281-5850.  Phone coaching is also available to folks unable to see me at my office.   Ask me about the for folks who are having economic challenges ask me about the  $95  Introductory session

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Here is an article that will relate to the partner of someone who is addicted.  (Are you Co-Dependent?)

Regardless of whether or not it is alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling or the Internet,it is hard to have a partner that is an addict. Addiction affects personal relationships, communication, parenting, finances and work life

Oftentimes, a non-addict believes that this problem is best resolved by getting his/her partner to admit and deal with the addiction and participate in therapy (Information on non-traditional treatment for addictions is available at DrMartyTashman.com). A bigger challenge however, is for the non-addict to think about ones own needs and behavior. It is important that the non-addicted partner consider these questions:

• What do you want and need from this relationship?
• How do you need to be treated?
• Am I being a good partner by being supportive (but not enabling) and understanding (but not rationalizing)?
• What am I going to do that is not dependant on my partner’s behavior? Read more

Dr. John Gottman is one of the most rigorous and far reaching researchers in the field of marriage counseling. He has reviewed virtually all the formally existing research in the area of marriage counseling, done extensive scientifically based research to determine the validity of those findings and has developed procedures based on his findings. Dr. Gottman uses both self-reporting measures (the subjects rating themselves) and objective measures (review of video tapes and biofeedback equipment). His work spans a 25-year period and includes hundreds of couples. Dr. Gottman is the founder and director of the professionally acclaimed research facility The Seattle Marital and Family Institute. He is also a professor at the Washington University, a superb researcher and excellent teacher. Read more

Why do so many marriages fail? It’s even worse than we think

Some estimates indicate that 50% of people who get married end up in divorce court. The statistics for second marriages are even worse. As if those figures aren’t bad enough, add them to the fact that having a truly satisfying marriage seems to be increasingly “out of the ordinary.” Of the approximately 50% of marriages that do not end in divorce, we could speculate that a large percentage of them may not end in formal divorce, but in what can be called “emotional divorce.” In other words, people stay married not because they like being married, but for a variety of other reasons. Oftentimes people stay married because they don’t want to leave their children, feel financially trapped, or are afraid to be on their own. Read more

1. Glass, Shirley, NOT “Just Friends”: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.This highly recommended book deals with every aspect of affairs. It deals with “Why people have extra marital relationships” and ‘How to handle them.” It is based on over 25 years of research and includes material from 4 different sources:
   • A 1977 survey of 20,000 people done by the popular magazine Psychology Today.
   • A 1988 doctoral research dissertation that included 1000 questionnaires.
   • The author’s (a marriage counselor) analysis of 350 couples that she surveyed.
   • A survey of therapists taken by Dr. Glass from 1992 to 2001.

   You can find out more about Dr. Glass and her work at ShirleyGlass.com.

   Read more

Below are 4 steps to getting the best response possible out of your partner.  These are not designed to deal with serious marital issues or deep seeded problems.  This article is to help you over the small “bumps in the road” that happen in all relationships.

 1. Realize that your partner’s  definition of love and caring may be different from yours. In the end he has the ability to be there for you but he needs help, here’s how to help him:

2. Start the process by focusing on his/ her positive side, and can be, attitude is very important. When you do the other steps it is important that is from a positive attitude.

3. Gently remind them. “Honey I really like it when, you get me a card “It’s O.K. to remind him. You may think: “If he loves me he would do it on his own.” For the most part men’s brains don’t work that way. If there is an emergency or crisis men are far more likely to respond. This comes from how men’s brains are organized and years of history of the care and feeding of the American male.

4. Let them know what you would like. “I really would like it you would bring me some flowers.” Make it clear and easy for him to do. The easier things are to do the more he is likely to it.

Gals if you have to remind him it does mean he doesn’t love you; he’s just being a guy. Remember that if he really doesn’t want to do something he won’t. How long has it taken for him to clean out the garage or get rid of that 10 year old suit.

If you have a serious problem and you’re not getting through to your partner, then you need some help from a professional. Please feel free to give me a call (732) 246-8484 and we can talk for a while and figure out what to do next.